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TITANIC - 2 Slimes
Rated PG-13
Copyright 1998, Paramount Pictures
Reviewed by Max Gardner on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:  

  • Jack - Leonardo DiCaprio! Greasy-haired drifter and sketch artist. Freezes to death.
  • Rose - Kate Winslet! Forward-thinking rich girl who inexplicably falls for Jack.
  • Cal - Billy Zane! Rose's fiancee, a cunning businessman with absolutely no knowledge of the world around him.
  • Lovejoy - David Warner! Cal's evil valet. Falls through the ship when it breaks in half.
  • Tommy - Stereotypical Irishman. Shot by Murdoch.
  • Molly Brown - Kathy Bates! Lumpy woman with a mind numbingly American accent.
  • Fabrizzio - Jack's best friend. Squashed by a falling smokestack. Ouch!
  • Capt. Smith - Presumably drowned when the cabin floods.
  • Lightoller - Second officer. Has a lot of amusing dialogue.
  • Murdoch - Titanic's first officer. Shoots himself.
  • Brock - Bill Paxton! Modern treasure-hunter scouring the remains of the Titanic for diamonds.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

If you thought James Cameron could go no lower than The Abyss, think again. How the mighty have fallen: the director of Aliens finally betrays whatever talent he once had with this ridiculous triumph of the human spirit. Here we have 1990's actors, acting like 1990's people, in 1912. They bum smokes, spit off the railings and give each other the finger. Our excruciatingly long story begins with Jack Dawson, who wins a trip on the Titanic in a card game and consequently saves Rose, reluctant future bride to the bastardly Cal, from a suicide attempt. Jack and Rose are taken with one another, party below decks with the Irish and steam up the back of a car. Then the iceberg hits, and things get fun. The last half of this movie isn't half bad, for one reason alone: it really is satisfying to watch 1500 self-obsessed primitives die horribly with nothing to blame but their own hubris. Keep an eye out for the old guy who falls and bounces off a few railings on the way down. This guy earns Titanic one slime on his own. The other goes to David Warner, about the only intelligent and charismatic person on the entire ship. There's also a cameo by Lewis Abernathy, the producer of House 3. All in all, a halfway decent waste of four hours. Maybe all the direct-to-video ripoffs were better.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • People in 1912 flipped each other off on a regular basis.
  • Old people bounce.
  • 101-year-old ladies are entirely coherent and sensible.
  • Falling on a propeller looks like it hurts.
  • Hats in the early 1900's were not designed with convenience in mind.
  • Violinists aren't too bright.
  • British people are obnoxious. Without exception.
  • The human race evolved from lemmings, not monkeys.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • Tape 1, 11 min - She looks like a baked potato. Gah, liver spots!
  • Tape 1, 17 min - They'll use that line when the movie's re-released before the Oscars.
  • Tape 1, 30 min - Whoever built this ship has a few issues with his masculinity.
  • Tape 1, 68 min - Mmmmm, Guinness....
  • Tape 1, 81 min - It'd be nice if that boom smacked both of them upside the head right about now.
  • Tape 1, 95 min - PG-13? Uh-huh.
  • Tape 2, 9 min - Cameron stole that line word-for-word from Twin Peaks.
  • Tape 2, 18 min - Swinging a fire ax with your eyes closed isn't a good idea.
  • Tape 2, 40 min - They wouldn't be hypothermic by now or anything....
  • Tape 2, 43 min - James is getting a little heavy-handed here.
  • Tape 2, 48 min - Of all the people on this boat, Fabrizzio is the most dead.
  • Tape 2, 52 min - Ouch! (The propeller put a spin on that guy.)
  • Tape 2, 60 min - Just what I was thinking.


  • Kid: "Daddy, it's a ship!"
    Father: "You're right."
  • Jack: "Well, that's the good thing about Paris. Lots of girls willing to take their clothes off."
  • Rose: "Teach me to ride like a man."
    Jack: "And chew tobacco like a man."
    Rose: "And...SPIT like a man!"
  • Molly: "Hey sonny, what's doin'? You've got us all trussed up here, and now we're coolin' our heels."
  • Lightoller: "Back, I say! OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL LIKE DOGS."
  • Lightoller: "Bloody pull faster, and pull!"

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note titanic1.wav Brock: "All right, you have my attention Rose, can you tell us who the woman in the picture is?"
Rose: "Oh yes, the woman in the picture is me."
Green Music Note titanic2.wav Rose: "You're distracting me, go away!"
Green Music Note titanic3.wav Rose: "I think you must have had a love affair with her."
Jack: "No, no, no, no... ...just with her hands, she was a one-legged prostitute."
Green Music Note titanic4.wav Owner: "This maiden voyage of Titanic must make headlines."
Green Music Note titanic5.wav Jack: "You're no picnic. All right, you're a spoiled little brat even."

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 



 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Cliptitanic1.mpg - 1.4m
Propeller bouncing contest.

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Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 6
Reply #9. Posted on July 04, 2000, 08:33:32 AM by Pantsman
Am I the only one who found this piece horse s**t movie sick? The whole thing was just to cash in on this horrible accident. It's just sick. Anyhow, there was only two good scenes in this s**tty film. The bobbie scene and the scene where Leo kicked the bucket (take that ya f**king wuss) }:D
Reply #10. Posted on August 02, 2000, 04:22:56 AM by
This movie belongs on this site. It's the biggest fluke in the history of the movie industry and yes Jim is right Cameron did rip off alot from A Night to Remember. Plus the fact that cameron hasnt done a movie since and wont untill 2002 when he MIGHT do True Lies 2 shows how money has carupted(sp) this once great director.
Reply #11. Posted on September 08, 2000, 09:33:34 PM by some dude
well man, ive seen only about 5 minutes of this movie, and well i turned it off after that. i guess this just goes to show you that budget doenst make a good movie, special efects dont make a good movie, its the skill of the actors and the writing capabilities of the writer to make a good movie. most of the movies on this site are said to be "bad movies" just because they didnt have a huge budget. i mena i was sickened by the fact that anyone would let cameron spend $200,000,000 on a peice of s**t film like that. come on man, you know that most of the "big-budget" movies get good reveiws because of the fact they have "big-name" actors in them or they were directed by "big-name" directors. its bulls**t man, i happen to rather enjoy b-movies man, just for the fact that they are completely different from any other movie. all hollywood does is make a bunch of movies while a certain trend is going. man screw hollywood, f**k em all! anyways titanic was an otherwise chrome plated peice of s**t.
Reply #12. Posted on September 16, 2000, 08:40:42 PM by BoyScoutKevin
After seeing all of you say you hate it, what can I say, but, I hate it, too. But, I hated it first. I must admit it had its moments, but, I hate it, because it is historically
inaccurate. The filmmakers may have got most of their facts right, but, they got the flavor of the times wrong. Go back to the 1953 version of "Titanic" and that one scene between the captain and the chief engineer, that has more historical accuracy, then the entire 194 minute length of the 1997 version of "Titanic.  
Reply #13. Posted on October 03, 2000, 05:53:50 PM by Chris K.
Already people are really treating with disrespect due to TITANIC being on this website as a bad film. Now as a "professional" film critic myself, I don't see what the problem is? So what if this guy hates TITANIC, big deal! It's his opinion and the owner is expressing it. If we all thought the same the world will just be dull as Hell. Mainly, I thought TITANIC was a boring-ass flick (as a professional, I'll bet my soul that the readers didn't see that one coming). Just wasted money (about $200,000,000 to be exact) down the ole' John Crapper if you ask me. The special effects were okay, but strictly fake as hell (I told you that the CGI effects are crap). TITANIC was strictly aimed at the teenage and adult women audience. In other words: a "Chick-Flick". James Cameron has lost his touch with films so badly. I like the fact that he made ALIENS and TERMINATOR, but he directed PIRANAH 2: THE SPAWNING for God's sake! The acting on TITANIC was also a bit stiff and inanimate. Plus some continuty errors as well (I don't think women, or men, gave people the middle finger in 1912). Leonardo De Caprio is also one of the most awful actors ever unearthed from the grounds of Hollywood (rumor has it that he is even gay, but I will not jump into controversial matters at this time). Lets face it, big budget films are dead. They died in the late 1980s when independent films were being shoved off to the corner. Here are some big budget failures to think about: GONE IN 60 SECONDS, ARMAGEDDON, DEEP IMPACT, STIGAMATA, THE HAUNTING, SCREAM, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, CEADERS FALLING ON TREES, AMERICAN PIE, etc. Even producer Jerry Brukheimer, who does not pour heart-and-soul in producing, shows that bigger bugets aren't always better. Shoud I go on? Because of these failures, Hollywood will keep trying until they are demolished from the film industry and independent movies will save filmaking. As for James Cameron, his carrer is definately over for sure. His crap-a-thon television show is going to die out in less than a week. Plus that, for Cameron to accept the Academy Awards and say "I'm king of the world!" and "Let's prey for everyone who died on the ship!" shows that he is one of the worlds leading ass-kissers ever known to walk on the face of the earth. I think directors like Herschell Gordon Lewis, Andy Milligan, George A. Romero, Lucio Fulci, Mario Bava, Dario Argento, and Ridley Scott are more influencial than Cameron. Cameron is just a hack like De Caprio. Cameron creating a rip-off of A NIGHT TO REMEMBER is just more pathetic than Guss Van Saint's idiodical and incoherant remake of PSYCHO. All I can say about Cameron is "Quit while you are ahead." Andto top it all off, the breif nude scene should have given this film an R rating. To be honest, the MPAA does a bad job at giving films rating's . In the 1960s and 1970s, some films that featured graphic violence and nudity have recieved a PG rating. What the hell is with that? The film's of the 1960s and 1970s are more gratuidous and racy than the films of today, and they give those films a PG! Unbelievable! MPAA needs to get their facts straightined out.
In conclusion, TITANIC is one of the most boring and unsatisfying films ever made for the general audience. Now I know I will recieve a bad reputation with some of the fans out there, but lets be honest with ourselves: TITANIC is a dud! 30 years from now people will call this time-waster a chessy love story that is so boring that when the name "James Cameron" is spoken, the audience will shiver in fear due to his lack of knowledge, common sense, and inteligence. So judge me if you will for my comments, but I stick to them and if you want to insult me then I will just keep on fighting until this review is read by the reader and they say "I agree with you." And I hope the reader will agree with me and post up his/her comments and give his two-cents on the film just like I did. I would really appreciate that.
Reply #14. Posted on October 08, 2000, 05:37:42 PM by BoyScoutKevin
No, tell us what your really think, but, I agree. Still, it was not only popular among audiences (hey, what do they know) making it the top grosssing film of 1997, but, one of the top grossing films of all time. It was popular among "professional" critics (hey, they should have known better) too. Except for "L.A. Confidential," it made more top ten lists, then any film that year. And it was popular among the people of Hollywood (hey they really should have known better) who awarded it the Oscar for best picture and ten other Oscars. Interestingly enough, it was shut out of the acting and screenwriting categories. That is the first time that has happened for any picture that has won eight or more Oscars. Make of that what you will.
Reply #15. Posted on October 11, 2000, 04:51:46 PM by Chris K.
Oh, I would also like to add that even though TITANIC won some Oscars, big deal! The Academy Awards are dead anyway. They even nominated SOUTH PARK for best musical score. SOUTH PARK was the "Worst Film Ever Made" by two stoners who failed to boost their career in BASEKETBALL. What is funny about the whole situation with SOUTH PARK is when it originaly aired on TV it did fine for at least three months until the ratings went down (and I mean down). But as some stupid twist of fate, SOUTH PARK had it's contract signed up once again and is now producing more horrible shows. Well to quit nitpicking on a bad television program all I have to say is SOUTH PARK is just yesterday's news, just like TITANIC. TITANIC is just plain boring. Plus, to all those SOUTH PARK-nerd fans watch a funnier show like THE SIMPSONS or TITUS.  
Reply #16. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Josie
Interesting thing I've noticed about Titanic... people like it the first time they see it.  I saw it twice in the theatre.  The first time, I loved it... there was just too much eye candy for me not to love it (I'm a sucker for 'pretty' movies).  The second time, the eye candy was old and I started noticing things like the fact that Kate Winslet couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag.  Just to test my theory, I rented the video and watched that... and sure enough, it was even worse the third time.  I suppose if I ever watch it again, it'll probably be even worse...

*wanders off now to watch 'The Mummy,' a movie that knows exactly what it is and doesn't try to be anything but*
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