Bad Movie Logo
"A website to the detriment of good film"

Custom Search
HOMEB-MOVIE REVIEWSREADER REVIEWSFORUMINTERVIEWSUPDATESABOUT


ZARDOZ - 3 Slimes
Rated R
Copyright 1973 John Boorman Productions
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 8 June 2010 (updated)

The Characters:  

  • Zed - Sean Connery! He wears a red loincloth, a ponytail, and FMBs. Seeing Sean Connery dressed like that is jarring (to say the least). When he appeared wearing a bridal gown I was certain that I had to be hallucinating. I wasn't; this is just a weird movie.
  • Arthur Frayn - An "Eternal" (more on them in a bit). He imagines himself a fancy-pants magician who can change the world through selective breeding.
  • May - Eternal. Grand canoness of the Holy Order of the Ubiquitous Freckle. She has so many freckles that if you played connect the dots with a black marker it would change her racial profile.
  • Consuella - Eternal. She considers sex a violent debasement of women and hates the penis on general principle, but falls in love with Zed and bears him a son. I guess Sean Connery is just that damn sexy.
  • Friend - Eternal. He a consumate pessimist who has been defeated by a life he cannot escape. I like seeing him mess with people, but I wouldn't want to share an apartment with him.
  • Avalow - Eternal. She likes to meditate, and when she meditates she asks everyone to meditate with her. Know the type? No, of course you don't. They became extinct before 1980, though there are rumors that some survived and moved to California.
  • The Eternals - Humans who never age, and are reincarnated if they die.
  • Apathetics - Eternals who lose their interest in life, the universe, and everything. There might be forty-two of them.
  • The Tabernacle - The magical device that keeps all of the Eternals alive, and thus consigns them to unending life, even if they wish otherwise. It is eternal damnation disguised as a blessing.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Where can you find Sean Connery dressed in a loincloth, a giant flying stone head that spouts NRA rhetoric from one side of its mouth, and denounces unprotected sex from the other, and a commune filled with people who are so bored with life that they have given up on enjoying anything at all? The Seventies baby, the Seventies.

Where to start? I'd say the beginning, but I am not quite certain where or what that is in this film. I guess that I will go with where the film begins, but that is not actually so much a start as an introduction to a story already in progress. Anyway, a giant flying stone head slowly moves over the landscape. When it lands, a horde of crazy men with guns and masks congregate around the mobile idol. The executioners cry out to their God, Zardoz (that's the head, and the title of the movie). Pretty soon Zardoz speaks, and what he says is a rambling speech about guns, the penis, and shooting either of the previously mentioned objects. Having delivered his message, Zardoz vomits forth a great heap of rifles and ammunition. The savages, including Zed, all cheer.

I am no expert on religions, but Zardoz is pretty far out on the theological fringe.

In return for his favor and wisdom, Zardoz demands a tribute from his chosen ones. Huge baskets of grain are loaded into the stone head. One of the grain containers has a prize inside: Zed. He digs himself out and takes a look around inside of God's head as the massive idol lazily motors its way through the foggy English sky. Eventually, a little man in a blue robe comes out and walks around. Zed shoots him, and then watches as the surprised fellow (it's Arthur Frayn, by the way) falls out of the idol's gaping maw. Arthur disappears into the fog with barely a sound.

In other words, the little man who lives inside of God's head just fell out. I hope that eventually makes it into the gospels, just so that some day a theologian can scratch their head over such an obfuscated tidbit. No doubt the confused scholar will determine that "The little man who lives in God's head fell out" has to be a metaphor. Well, what if it isn't a metaphor? What if it's a euphemism?

Turtle-necked bishop? I don't think so.

Zed continues his journey inside of Zardoz until the Supreme Being (it's just a model) arrives at Vortex 4. That is where Arthur is from, and also the home of the rest of the Eternals that are curious where Arthur disappeared to, and where Zed came from. May is particularly interested in the dangerous barbarian, but is not afraid of Zed because she can stun him with a special stare, a power that only the Homo eternals possess. May, Consuella, Friend, and the other futuristic hippies are an artificially created branch of the human genetic line which is called Homo eternal. What are you giggling about? Why is that term so funny? It is no different than any other species from humanity's evolutionary history, such as Homo erectus. Again, you giggle. Why?

I am joking here, but I also guarantee that the mention of Homo erectus and Homo eternal has more than one reader giggling so hard that their eyes are watering. You know who you are. How old are you? Twelve?

Continuing on...

Intrigued by the violent barbarian suddenly in their midst, the Eternals study Zed. They analyze his genetics, check his health, test his abilities, and use a special machine to watch some of his memories. Now, you have to remember that Zed is an executioner, a religious fanatic who enslaves and kills other people in the name of Zardoz the almighty. Most of Zed's memories involve rape or killing, or both. What a swell guy we are blessed with as our protagonist. Granted, Zed is a product of the world he grew up in, and the world is violent due to the Eternals' meddling in population control. Maybe Zed really is a good guy at heart. It's just that it is difficult for me to ignore that Zed has spent his entire life committing rape and murder. Twenty years of crimes against humanity, and now he's a different person because he turned over a new leaf?

There are a lot of born-again Christians in prison, too.

As it turns out, Zed is physically, mentally, and genetically superior to the Eternals. He is the product of hundreds of years of natural selection and a breeding program guided by Zardoz (Arthur Frayn). While the Eternals were inventing time-consuming social etiquette just to fill the endless days of their lives, Zed's ancestors were fighting tooth and nail, blood and sweat, for the right to survive and reproduce.

The Eternals' society is tortuously rooted in traditions that are PC to the ninth degree. Violence of any sort, even verbal, is a crime. Heck, even thinking antisocial thoughts during the Eternals' "Second Level" group meditation is grounds for punishment. Unfortunately, the Eternal community created a cruel and unusual punishment for those who break their draconian laws. Nobody goes to prison, but they are made old - permanently. It is hard enough to endure perpetual life when you are thirty. Imagine being consigned to forever as a decrepit old man. Granted, they do not worry about dying while sweeping off the walk, but having to drink prune juice every day for eternity or suffering the discomfort of everlasting constipation is not an appetizing prospect.

Another problem with the Eternals is that the male libido is missing in action, and that could be a reason some of the women are so testy (if anyone needs a good shagging to loosen up, it's Consuella). The reason for the ubiquitous erectile dysfunction appears to be the lack of urgency in the Eternals' life. Nobody dies, everyone acts nice to each other, and I doubt any of the men have ever worn boxing gloves or baseball cleats in their uselessly long lives. Life is a bland mixture, served at room temperature, so that nobody is discomforted. Unfortunately, that means that nobody is especially happy, either.

Hopefully you noticed that Zed is a violent male used to life's more physical aspects, including those impossible for men suffering from ED. It's no wonder that May and some of the other frustrated Eternal women want to study him more closely. And he is Sean Connery, after all.

Zed's presence in the commune causes more than just sexual tension. During a social gathering Friend refuses to wiggle fingers with everyone else, so the other Eternals label him a renegade and turn him into a senior citizen. The rest of the Eternals finish their mental hugfest and then stand around with drapes over their heads (yes, I know, it's the '70s). The first to wake up is May, and the first thing on her mind involves Zed and a bed. Her playtime with the sexiest man alive is cut short by Consuella; during the confrontation Zed proves he can overcome the stunning stare power. That freaks Consuella out. She rounds up the other Eternals, who all grab torches and pitchforks to hunt Zed. Buildings are set on fire, freaked out super hippies run back and forth willy-nilly, but Zed has little problem avoiding the mob.

I am glad to see the Eternals taking an energetic interest in something, but why aren't they carrying firearms? So what if they don't know how to shoot; I know that Zardoz spat out some shotguns earlier.

While the Eternals' society disintegrates, Zed searches for a way to destroy the Tabernacle. He ends up inside of the crystal device. The interior of the Tabernacle is a funhouse! Mirrors are everywhere, and Zed dashes about for a while until he starts shooting at his own reflections. Amazingly, a mirror breaks and the Tabernacle is broken. Okay, maybe not so amazingly. Zed is shooting at mirrors with a .455 Webley revolver. Want 7+ years of bad luck? Shoot at a mirror with a Webley. Heck, if you were in a hall of mirrors, just throwing a heavy revolver would probably earn you a lifetime of bad luck.

The Tabernacle destroyed, the Homo eternals all revert to regular Homo sapiens. Zed's executioner friends invade the Vortex and start shooting the surprised (now inappropriately named) Eternals. Paroled from life everlasting, the Eternals' barely have time to consider their newly granted mortality before a mask-wearing barbarian gives them a crash course in the hereafter. Meanwhile, Zed impregnates May and almost a dozen of her friends before the Connery baby-batter-infused ladies flee the ruin of Vortex 4.

Oh, and the giant hydrogen-filled condoms in the Vortex courtyard explode in massive balls of fire. I don't know why a society of everlasting hippies with ED needed huge hydrogen-filled condoms, but I guess it's officially a moot point.

NOTE: I am sick and tired of people saying that I "did not get" this film. I get the film. People are not meant to live forever. I "get it," okay? Your insistence that Boorman's story has more nuances than a bottle of 20-year cognac, and that I am a stupid ground-thumping gorilla needs a reality check. That reality check is the DVD's commentary track. Want to know something? Boorman does not "get it" either. Most of the commentary consists of stuff like, "The head itself is a model." or, "She was really looking forward to being raped by Sean Connery." He also devotes an enormous amount of effort to talking about how little money they had for the production. If you like the movie, that is well and good. If you see more to the story than the director himself expressed, that is also well and good. Just don't expect me to see those same invented meanings.

What I am trying to say is that I am glad that you are friends with the magic elves that only you can see. Don't be angry that I can't see them. It's wonderful that the invisible magic elves are your special friends. Have fun playing with them.

Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Self-sufficient agriculture requires careful planning, adequate farmland, and rifles.
  • Ammo can be a fashion statement.
  • Memories are stored in third person perspective.
  • The enemy of my enemy is my baker.
  • Fish net looks sexy on a woman.
  • Erections sound like guitars.
  • Human DNA is made up of jellyfish, rotifers, and euglena (stop looking at me like that and find a dictionary, and a microscope, and a prescription sedative to help you deal with the little creatures that are swimming all over your body right now).
  • Guns improve biodiversity (fans of passenger pigeons and bison lovers rejoice).
  • Flowers are an impassable barrier.
  • Viagra is made by mixing Sean Connery's sweat with PAAS Easter Egg Dye.

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - OH YEAH? Well, while you were sleeping we drew an onion on your chin with a permanent marker. Who is laughing now, floating disembodied head man?
  • 6 mins - This would be an awesome scene if it was accompanied by something from Judas Priest.
  • 12 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST SOMETHING!
  • 27 mins - Sean Connery just licked another man's hand!
  • 42 mins - This is...I could watch this for hours.
  • 46 mins - God forbid a squirrel decide to make a nest there.
  • 50 mins - Between the perms and the half-tops, I cannot tell the difference between men and women. I haven't been this confused since Thailand.
  • 65 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
  • 68 mins - Do you see that bald kid? He has his own cartoon on Nickelodeon. I think that he has cancer or the power to control wind and air. One of those two things.
  • 70 mins - Wait for it. Wait for it. There, the window finally broke. Slow bullet day.
  • 76 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS!

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

FileDialog
Green Music Note zardoz1.wav Arthur Frayn: "I am Arthur Frayn, and I am Zardoz. I have lived three hundred years, and I long to die. But death is no longer possible. I am immortal."
Green Music Note zardoz2.wav Zardoz: "You have been raised up from brutality to kill the brutals who multiply, and are legion. To this end Zardoz, your god, gave you the gift of the gun.The gun is good."
Exterminators: "The gun is good!"
Zardoz: "The penis is evil, the penis shoots seeds."
Exterminators: **Crickets chirping**
Green Music Note zardoz3.wav Consuella: "May is a great scientist, but she also has destructive tendencies."
May: "We have adequate means of controlling it. Surely we are not so vulnerable."
Consuella: "Look at it. It knows its life is at stake. Otherwise it would rape and kill, as it always has. You can see the disrupting effect."
Friend: "Let's keep it. Anything to relieve the boredom."
Green Music Note zardoz4.wav Zed: "So, if you're bad often enough, you'll die."
Friend: "They make you old, but they don't let you die."
Zed: "So what's to stop you from killing yourself?"
Friend: "I do now and again, but the Eternal Tabernacle simply rebuilds me."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 

ImageImageImage
ImageImageImage
ImageImage


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipzardoz1.mpg - 7.4m
Friend introduces Zed to the Apathetics. The eccentric Eternal just walks around screwing with them, while Zed tries to rape one girl. When she fails to respond, it annoys ape boy, and he shot puts her!

 Leave a commentEXTRASBuy the movie 

Share It!Buy the movieIMDB Logo
Stumble This ReviewStumble This Review
Digg This ReviewDigg This Review
Buy it from Amazon.com (United States)

Buy it from Movies Unlimited (United States)

Buy it from Amazon.ca (Canada)

Buy it from Amazon.co.uk (United Kingdom)

Internet Movie Database


ALSO SEE:



Comments:Write CommentPages: 1 ... 4 5 [6] 7 8 ... 15
Zardoz
Reply #41. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by Paul
If this movie is so bad as the critics say then why does it have a worldwide cult following nearly 30 years after its release.
Beethoven's Symphony no.7 in A will never sound the same again.
Type in Zardoz on ebay and see how many listings come up.
The movie has style and vision as well as being over the top sometimes.
Its foreign and different, so get over it.


Zardoz
Reply #42. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by WyldKyss
Yes, I selected this movie for a Bad Movie Night.

Yes, I won.

Yes, my roommate then bought it on DVD.

Remember kiddies. When you watch this, every scene Sean is thinking "Can I shoot it? Can I f**k it? Can I eat it? Then what good is it?"
Zardoz
Reply #43. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Jeeps
I saw this movie when it came out in the mid 70's so I have a different perspective that most I have been reading in here.  Being a healthy young guy at that time, I was not the least bit annoyed about the display of breasts, the barring of chest hair, the floating head, or seeing my favorite male actor ...the real James Bond himself.. Sean Connery, running around with a ponytail and a gun.

I was quite astounded with the film, as were my brother and now wife who were with me at the theater that night.  It combined elements of theater ( where it is not a big problem to have a penciled beard ), classical musical references, doses of science, philosphy, religion, social commentary on equality...just emerging at that time of  emerging feminism.  It had clever references to our popular literature...ie: Wizard of Oz, and it was essentially a moral 'play' done in a lush film location in Ireland.  The end of the movie turns on the he 'vortex' society and the notion of the desirablity of immortal life on it's head.  There are many layers to this film, and one should not give it short shrift.  Looking at it today in the year 2003, with the effects and production capital we have today it may seem to lack the wham bang effects that current films display, but what it lacks there is well balanced with ingenuity, imagination, and some creative and cleaver writing.  One must think of where the series 'Star Trek' was at that time, and that is now nearly 30 years ago, to appreciate how far ahead the movie "Zardoz" was and how like  "Clockwork Orange", it even forshadowed the future in ways we could not imagine at that time.

I was amazed to get this movie in DVD form as a xmas gift this year, having considered that it was probably lost to the past forever.  
Take a look at the marque in your town this week and see if this film isn't a better use of your viewing time that most of what is playing this week in the beginning of 2003.

Jeeps
Zardoz
Reply #44. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM by V
After catching this movie a few times on late-night cable, I was left feeling both very confused and very amused. The crazy Eternals were the best part, in my opinion. Besides, there's SEAN CONNERY IN A LOINCLOTH! What other reason do you need?
Zardoz
Reply #45. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Chris Schneider
Hey gang, if you don't get the intention of a movie in which a flying head appears out of the sky and bellows "The peenus iz eevil...it shoots seed..." in the first five minutes to a group of subhuman murderer/rapists, stop it, rewind, return and rent Pippy Longstockings.
Zardoz
Reply #46. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM by Thomas
I remember first hearing about Zardoz about sixteen years ago.  We were at a mexican restaurant downtown and my father was in a particularly, er. . . esoteric mood.  He asked me what I thought the word 'Zardoz' meant.  So there I sat, stumped for about half an hour before he told me.  "It means: (Wi)Zardo(f)oz," he said.  "It was the name of a movie back in the seventies with Sean Connery; a really trippy one."  Wizard of Oz, eh?  Well, it sure as heck did grab my imagination, and after a somewhat accurate description of the movie's plot, I longed to see it.  

Coincidence of coincidences, within about a year (I think, but my memory is a bit foggy) it was to be shown on TBS.  I freaked out and made sure I taped that sucker!  I don't think I was home when it was on but I was sure to watch it immediately upon my return.  Was I in for a ride.  Maybe it was because I was only 13, or so, but I hadn't the foggiest idea of what the heck was going on!  I remember some stuff about "learning by osmosis" and that guy who reminded me of a jester bragging at the end, "It was I who told you about the Wizard of Oz!"  I do remember, also, how happy the immortals were when all those horse-riding barbarians came to kill them.  I don't remember, however, any nudity.  Guess ol' Ted Turner felt it wasn't appropriate for TBS viewers (though, at that time, they had to put up with watching a feeble Braves organization who hadn't won diddly since the Hank Aaron era).

At any rate, it's about 4:30 a.m. here in sunny California, and I was just browsing through a site called Half.com, looking for some DVD's, when I happened upon an advertisement for a Zardoz DVD.  Out of curiosity, I did a quick search on Google to see if anyone had posted anything interesting about the movie.  And, voila!  As groggy as I was (am), I decided to put in my two cents on this, uh. . . 'eccentric' film.  I still remember it fondly and now yearn to see it again; this time with much more knowledge of the world and a better understanding of thematic devices and how to interpret and pick apart a work.

To those who have seen this movie and liked it: Bravo!  There are indeed many things that make it entertaining and thought-provoking and you should pat yourselves on the back for having discovered them.
To those who have seen it and were puzzled or disgusted by it:  Well, this too I can understand.  It certainly was ahead of its (or any other) time and was quite hard to follow. So don't feel too bad. ;)

Well, I'm sure I'll rent it before too long, and who knows. . . maybe I'll get everything and be enlightened and share my newfound knowledge with everyone I meet.  Maybe that knowledge will help me end all wars and bring about world peace.  Or maybe I'll just sit in front of the television shaking my head, as confused and entertained as ever.

Peace. :)
Zardoz
Reply #47. Posted on November 25, 2006, 04:09:03 PM by Douglas
What a crazy, wonderful movie. After viewing it this past weekend, 30 years after I saw it as a little boy I was suprised how much I remembered and that it seemed riveting.

Of course people today are obscessed with CGI and all the other gimicks that become more important than the plot and they rarely take the time to think about the premises of the movie. Zardoz is the movie that tells us that all we really need is already at our fingertips.

If you ever thought about living forever on this planet with the same people you arfue with on a daily basis this
movie should make you appreciate among other things death.


Zardoz
Reply #48. Posted on March 14, 2004, 07:45:45 AM by crazycat
I saw this movie on TV, the moment I realized Connery was the man running garound in red fruit-o-the looms and black leather boots I was hooked. I bet he gets embarrased when peopl bring this one up. The death of zardoz (the floating head) was dramatic and heart wrenching. I recommend a good amount of beer to go with this movie. There are only about 2 really important scenes, the rest is sort of hazy.
Pages: 1 ... 4 5 [6] 7 8 ... 15
 Share on Facebook
RSS Feed Subscribe Subscribe by RSS
Email Subscribe Subscribe by Email


Recommended Articles
How To Find A Bad Movie

The Champions of Justice

Plan 9 from Outer Space

Manos, The Hands of Fate

Podcast: Todd the Convenience Store Clerk

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

The Human Tornado

Maniac

The Educational Archives: Driver's Ed

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

Do you have a zombie plan?

FROM THE BADMOVIES.ORG ARCHIVES
ImageThe Giant Claw - Slime drop

Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

Lesson Learned:
  • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

Subscribe to Badmovies.org and get updates by email:

HOME B-Movie Reviews Reader Reviews Forum Interviews TV Shows Advertising Information Sideshows Links Contact
Badmovies.org is owned and operated by Andrew Borntreger. All original content is © 1998 - 2014 by its respective author(s). Image, video, and audio files are used in accordance with Fair Use, and are property of the film copyright holders. You may freely link to any page (.html or .php) on this website, but reproduction in any other form must be authorized by the copyright holder.