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Hey MST3K lovers!
What were your favorite riffs from MST3K? 

One of mine:

(from Manos: Hands Of Fate)
Mike: Torgo!  Have you seen Debbie?
Torgo: No..
Mike: She's gone missing.  Help us find her.  Fast, dammit!

(from MST3K crew)
Joel: Yeah, here I go.  Vroom.

I haven't seen many, but the riffing of Mitchell was great.  :teddyr:

Gallano: "That was very generous, yes? Now it's your turn...."
Tom Servo: "To be-a whatta-you can be....."  :teddyr:

Mitchell: even his name says "Is that a beer?"  :teddyr:

Well you're rich and white, I don't see a problem with it.

Johnny Mathis? Quick, go get my gun.  :buggedout:

Mitchell, Mitchell, eye on the sammich...... :smile:

 :smile:

Yeah, that was a good one.. I have that episode.

(Mitchell and the kid argue)
Servo: Tonight on Crossfire!

Mitchell: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Kid: I'm not.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not.
Kid: You are.
Mitchell: Buzz off.
Kid: What?
Mitchell: What?
Kid: What did you say?
Mitchell: What you say?
Kid: Did you say something?
Servo: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
 :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:

That one where Joe Don Baker goes to Malta had a classic line.  Joe Don goes upstairs to do something, the girl he's with tells him (via the MST3K crew):  "Just don't use the guest towels for toilet paper like you did last time."

That's probably one of their best ones. 

"Word on the street is, you're a jerk."

"I'm going to start taking off my clothes. You better stop me."

From the short THE HOME ECONOMICS STORY:

Kay arrives at college as a Freshman.
NARRATOR: "Where would her room be?  Who would be her friends?"
TOM: "Who would be her blood enemies?"
NARRATOR: "Wonder if she would ever know her way around..."
TOM: "What secret societies would she join?"
NARRATOR: "Wonder what her roommate would be like..."
TOM: "Would she smoke thin black cigarettes and reject the triune God?"

From POD PEOPLE:

[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?

(Trumpy makes a Simon game operate by itself)
Joel (acting as Tommy): Trumpy!  You can do stupid things!

From HIRED PART II:

Servo (at title screen): Hey!  Hired 2: Electric Boogaloo!

(Car lot owner's father is fanning himself with his hand)
Servo: Oh no!  He's having an episode!

More MANOS:

(The Master raises his arms dramatically)
Joel and the bots: (bored) SEEN IT.

(Torgo caresses a woman's hair and is slapped for his efforts)
Torgo: Forgive me, madam.. I.. meant.. no harm..
Crow: Aw, he's senator Packwood!

(A man approaches his dead dog lying offscreen and makes a disgusted face)
Crow: Ugh, look at the pile he left!

Eight words:

HE TRIED TO KILL ME WITH A FORKLIFT!

I don't know which episode that's from, but it's funny.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

"Fugitive Alien".  Japanese flick.  Episode 12.

"We'll strap in tight, let's get set for action..
And hoist the ship out of the sand..
He tried to kill me with a forklift.. huzzah!"

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Thanks, russell!

I'm still wondering who tried to kill who with a forklift, also why and how?  :wink:

..........should i even post??

smoke manmuscle!

I got no clue; never saw the film.  I just punched up the phrase "He Tried To Kill Me With A Forklift" on Google and found out which episode it was.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wErpaF1jvjU

I know a few people I'd like to kill with a forklift.. got a license too (for the forklift, not to kill).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFHlJ2voJHY
 :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:

Giant Spider Invasion

Female scientist "Now watch this..."

Crow "...I'm going to put on a dashiki and blow your mind!"  (Trevor might find that giggle worthy)

or

Blonde (go figure) and farmer out in field:

Blonde trips and falls, and...

"Oop, plot hole."  (notices severed cow's head)

*scream* GOOOT MIIIILK?"

Another favorite from Hired.

"We're going to have leadership the way my old man taught me.  You ,put a towel on you head.  You, swat at imaginary elves."

Pod People is still one of my favorites ever:

When Trumpy is looking at all the animals: "Mmmm, this potatoe's got long ears"

and all the times the parents are looking for the kid

"Tommy?"
"Do you see me?  Do you feel me near you?"
"Tommy!?!"
"Go to the mirror, boy!"

Here's the story Trevor:

On some sort of space station a super-strong alien is hired by a space captain to work at a warehouse of some fashion; a jealous co-worker rigs a forklift to drive at him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juvKrcMWXKc&feature=player_embedded

I rolled over laughing when Tommy is looking for Trumpy and pokes his head in the closet.  The MST3Kers all make sucking noises, like Trumpy's eating him.

:teddyr:

Also:
Car lot manager (to father): Say, I just thought of something!
Servo: I'm sobering up and you're beginning to scare me!

(After a scene change in which a new scene is superimposed over the old one, with a new driver at the wheel)
Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!

from Monster a-go go
Joel: <snickers> all right, don't laugh, here they come, be cool
Crow<snickering> don't say it
Tom it wasn't our idea

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in nuclear physics...
Trio: Opps
Narrator: Radiation
trio: ohh

Here was a problem the civil defense authorities had before faced and may never face again...
Crow: how to end this film

Whoops, forgot to add the clip  :lookingup:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKs_UqLcnwA

From Space Mutiny

(during the first chase scene)
Mike: You can walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
Tom: Hit the siren! (imitates a calliope)
Crow: We need both horsepowers on this thing!

Tom: Seems to me that randomly blowing up things is not a good strategy in a spaceship.


From Mr. B Natural:

Mr. B: I've been visiting with an 8 year old friend of mine..."
Joel: Oh God no!

Mr. B: Boy, am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, the feeling's not mutual!

Mr. B: Knew your father I did!
Joel: You leave my father out of this!

I remember one short they did on balance and posture that had the "knee test" where a man was putting his hands on his knees and rotating.  That whole bit was just solid gold. 

Yeah, that was pretty ridiculous.

More Pod People:
(Tommy feeds Trumpy peanuts and he sucks them into his snout)
Joel: Here, let me get the attachments.  You can do the couch!

(Evil Pod Person kills girl in shower by throwing her against door)
Rick: Open the door!
Crow: But not with your skull!

CREEPING TERROR:
(A highly obese man walks up a hill to find his grandson)
Crow: Here comes the most challenging scene in this film!

(Army pushes a tree branch out of the way of their jeep)
Mike: We push more logs before 9AM than most people do all day!

(A community dance takes place set to cheesy sock-hop music)
Mike: I can see why the British Invasion was so easy!

(Monster "eats" a victim)
Mike: If you could help me by climbing in..

There's so many good ones, I don't know if I could print them all... I'll start with ones I particularly loved...

Cave Dwellers

(Ator and a village chief have just done a toast and Ator is drinking.)
Crow: Yeah, drink it all, sometimes the poison sinks to the bottom.

(Ator and crew have just fought off several invisible attackers by wrapping them in their cloaks and then killing them.  They then walk away, leaving their outfits behind.)
Joel: Aren't they going to pick up their clothes?
Crow: No, they've got invisible blood all over them.
Joel and Tom: Oh... HUH?!?

(After a loooong series of flashbacks, with various names dropped)
Crow: JEEZ!  Tolkien couldn't follow this plot!

Female: What is it?
Wise Old Man: It is everything and nothing.
Crow: Uh, could you be a little more vague please?

Space Mutiny

Mike: And our hero bravely roasts the disabled man!

Tom: You know, Mike, I've learned a valuable lesson here: never sit inside an open gas main.
Mike: Yeah, I know, we really should stop having our lunches there.

From the Monster a go go short, CIRCUS ON ICE!

Tom: These two girls make quite a pair,
they both come your worst nightmare
they will haunt your soul forever
and now, when you see pink, your going to think "We're Doomed"
they are agents for Satan.

Mike: Hey, you got your circus on my ice
crow:you got your ice on my circus

WHY STUDY INDUSTRIAL ARTS:
Crow: Because you're bad at math?

Joe, student: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike: There!  Wasn't that fun?

SKYDIVERS:

(actress' wig moves slightly while talking)
Crow: Her helmet shifted!
Mike: She didn't fasten her chinstrap!

Bernie (talking about skydiving): Feels good.. like a bird, floating around up there!
Mike: Poopin' on people..

Dunno what episode
MIKE: Wouldn't it be great if you were kidnapped by an African tribe and they brought beer?

MST3K The Movie
(Hal's plane abruptly starts to glow green)
TOM: Suddenly I have a refreshing, minty flavor!

Exeter: Now place your hands above the rail
(hands suddenly attach to the rail)
Exeter: ... they're magnetized.
Crow T. Robot: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

Mike Nelson: [as a Postman delivers a letter] Sort this, deliver that, I'll make 'em all pay.

Skydivers

"seems like they forgot to have anything happen in this movie"

"So a stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life and leaves."

one of my favorite things they did was the sketch from "the begining of the end" with peter graves going to the university of minnesota.  "here is a scene where peter graves goes to the university of minnesota"  "here i am it's minnesota"  "now here is a scene in which peter graves graduates..."




"if this can stop one person from not believing that peter graves went to the university of minnesota it will have been worth it!"

More Peter Graves, in:
PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR

Dr. Jameson: This could prove to be interesting.
Mike: But I doubt it.

(Richard picks up beer can, sports quizzical expression)
Mike: The little bushman did not understand the significance of the can.

These made me laugh:

THE GIRL IN LOVER'S LANE

[Bix is distraught, telling the sheriff how Joyce died in his arms]

BIX: She died so easy...
CROW: Like she'd done it before!
BIX: ...it didn't take very much.
JOEL: All you had to do was murder her!

:teddyr:

ANGEL'S REVENGE:

Crow (tired of the stupid plot and cheesy acting): That's it, I'm giving in and looking at the breasts.

(camera zeroes in on a girl's butt as she climbs a ladder)
Crow: Hey!  You're giving away the plot!

Crow: You know, this was Jim Backus' first film after he died.

(Arthur Godfrey blows a kiss to a singer on the Angels Brigade)
Crow: Burrrrp.

This is from the first episode I ever saw, but I can't remember the movie either.  I think it's the same one where they show twins (or at least two people who resemble each other) and one of the MST crew says, "Van Damme and Van Damme in: Van Damme You All to Hell."

That line was a classic!

Fugitive Alien.  There's a clip of it on page 2, where the forklift incident occurs.

Yep!  Also liked:
2 Brigaders (following a potential third, a stuntwoman, by about 4 paces):
Her name's Carrie Grant.  She's the best stunt driver in Hollywood.
Mike: And she's deaf!

(Angels conversing in hideout)
This is Elaine Brenner, she's a friend of mine.  She helped me when I needed her, and we could use her help right now.
Servo: She's flat, but I think we can trust her.

(A model bounces on a trampoline hidden from view, for a photo shoot)
Crow: She's bouncing on Alan Hale's stomach!

From the short "Cheating":

Narrator: And there was Mary sitting right in front of you, her head chock full of the answers you needed.
Crow: Split it open now!

Narrator: Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
Crow: Or was it lust?

Narrator: Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]
Servo [as Johnny]: Oh, hi Miss Grandy-- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!!!!

Any of them refering to weapons being useless against Prince of Space.

The Deadly Bees. (Upon discovering his wife had been killed.)
One day I'll come home, and you'll be dead...Hey Look it!

Can't remember the episode-but Crow comments on an actress' voice
"Her accent changed three times in that sentence."

The Russian Jack Frost epsidoe had me in stiches when I saw it.  But it's been a long time since I watched it. 

Enjoy, WS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHEC69tgrYI

from Eegah!
"watch out for snakes"
trio: Who said that?!

from posture pals:
Who wants to be sacrificed

Body Care And Grooming:

[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!

[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.

Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.
Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.

[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.
Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :thumbup:

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short):

Narrator (as kids are standing in front of a tall row of corn): Everything seems to be growing.  When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high.  Now it's taller than he is.
Servo: George is clearly shrinking.

[a boy is shown eating a sandwich]
Tom Servo: Mmm, good, white, hearty white bread for white, white people!

Pumaman:

Kobras: [who's played by Donald Pleasance] Comb the area! Find him!
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb".. right there.

Kobras: Because you are made of earth...
Crow: [as Kobras] Corn grows in you.
Kobras: ...and to earth you shall return!
Mike Nelson: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

[Watching Puma Man "fly"]
Mike Nelson: He has the power to rear-project major cities.

Villain: Everybody who goes there doesn't talk!
Crow: So nobody who DOESN'T go there doesn't NOT talk?

Trevor, I thought about that eyyyyyyyye on the sammich line too.  ("Mitchell")   :hot:

Mine,

1.   This Island Earth:  "I suddenly seem to have acquired a minty green flavor."
2.   Cave Dwellers:  (the main character is flying a hang glider) "You're gonna be my regular Saturday night thing."  (of course a line cadged from Road House)

Bloodlust:

(Kid motions fellow boat crew over, pointing at land offscreen):
Crow: Look!  Water!  Lots of it!

(Crew playfully looks for treasure on island)
Nerdy guy: My intuition tells me that Captain Kidd buried his treasure over there! (points directly to his left, where a girl is standing next to him)
Mike: In her bra?!

Girl: I'm scared!
Nerdy guy: Nothing to be scared about, I'll be right here with ya!
Mike: (as girl) My point exactly.

(Nerdy guy and girl investigate island mansion)
Crow: Indiana Nerd and the Temple of Dork!

Dean Gerrard: Someone will have to try to swim out to the mainland and get help.
Nerdy guy: I'm not much of a swimmer, but I'll try.
Mike: You ain't much of ANYTHING.

One word: ROWSDOWER!!!  :buggedout: :buggedout:


Pipper: McGregor! Troy McGregor? Thomas' son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Tom Servo: Know him? He was delicious!

Crow: [the villian is praying] God bless mommy, and daddy, and grandpa, and all of my evil henchmen.

Rowsdower: Their people ruled this land once.
Mike Nelson: They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew.

[Rowsdower pours booze over his tattooed arm]
Tom Servo: Have a drink on me, tattoo.

Tom Servo: [as Satoris] Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell, you SHOT me in the BUTT!
[Satoris starts burning]
Crow: So Mike, most humans, when you shoot 'em in the butt, they burst into flames?
Mike Nelson: Uh, I dunno.
Crow: Can we try it? Turn around.

Crow T. Robot: [seeing the company name Greidanus] He comes from a long line of great anuses.

 :buggedout: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

I just saw "The Final Sacrifice" for the first time!  Wow, what a boring film.. thank God it was the MST3K version I saw.  The first and last film to have somebody named Zap Rowsdower! :teddyr:

but it's only the last name  :teddyr:

Troy's man-crush dreams involve being named Mr. Troy Rowsdower someday.

(http://zeecaps.multiservers.com/pix/inthetheater26.jpg)

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


"Rowsdower? Could you put my head out? Thanks."  :wink: :teddyr:

from Pod People
little brat (forgot the name): Trumpy, you can do magic
Tom: It's called evil, kid

The kid was named Tommy.

(Hunter starts smashing alien eggs by beating them with stick)
Crow: Aw, what is he, an L.A. cop?

(Tommy, running outside, stumbles)
Crow: Ew, Trumpy, gross..
Tom Servo: Tommy stepped in some Trumpy dumpy!

Servo: Even the movie "The Fog" didn't have this much fog!

Joel: Pod People got no reason to live.

THE WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN:

CROW: They just placed a bunch of movies together in a blender and pushed the mix button.

[camera focuses on wiggling posteriors of go-go-dancing batgirls]

MIKE: Wow, that's 40 pounds of butt in 30 pound butt-capacity pants!

More Final Sacrifice:

(Troy leans into Rowsdower's driver window as he tries to start the truck)
Rowsdower: C'mon baby, don't let me down.
Servo (as Troy): I won't, Rowsdower!

Rowsdower: You stay here while I go get us some water.
Troy: I'll go.
Crow (as Troy): Can you carry me?

Rowsdower: (panting, after escaping bad guys): They were calling me!
Mike (as Troy): Wow.. nobody ever calls ME.

(Pipper draws map)
Mike: (as Pipper): Here's the plan: my army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank.

Mike (as Pipper, to Rowsdower): Made ya some trail mix out of rat droppings and hair!

(Film title appears during opening credits)
Servo: Aw.. can I have just one more sacrifice before we go?
Mike: Okay, okay, but this is the FINAL sacrifice.
Servo: Goody goody!

Troy (asking about his dad, to his mom): Am I like him?
Mike (as mom): No, he was masculine and likable.

Rowsdower: (talking to Troy about the men that have been chasing them): It's a cult.
Servo: They worship blue oysters.

"Trumpy! You can do stupid things!"

More Batwoman:

Mike: I have a feeling Satan would regret making this movie.

Mike: (as Ratfink lurks outside ) There's a peeping Zorro outside.

Mike: It's like a Warhol movie, except it's kinda weird.

(seeing a buxom dancer)
Crow: Hey, turn down the highbeams!
Tom: Think she rafts much? Wow!

Roses are blue
Violets are red
I like to shoot heroin
right into my head

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: Hellcats!

What's that from?

EDIT: I missed Ret's response above.

From ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE:

Guy (reading newspaper out loud in disbelieving tone): "Two teens overdose on angel dust?!"
Mike: "What's up with Mark Trail?"

(Adam West appears onscreen)
MIKE: "Aren’t you Adam West from LADY CHATTERLY'S LOVER 2?"

(The dead rise from their graves)
MIKE: "This isn’t a very effective cemetery!"
CROW: "They need heavier dirt."

darn benadictine monks under the floorboards -Space Mutiny

:bouncegiggle: :teddyr: :thumbup:

From Mitchell:
"Man I'm so hungry. Two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish my orange and all the frozen yogurt places were closed. Big buttery moon up there and the sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard."

Sidehackers:
The running gag with Rommel - "I read your book, you magnificent bastard."

Posture Pals:
"A playground where apes evolved from men?"

Pod People:
"McCloud!"

Agent for HARM:
"Damn you, Shel Silverstein!"

Amazing Colossal Man:
"I'm huge now. Don't smoke."

Prince of Space:
"My baby sun hat and smock with protect me."

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:
"I wouldn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal doppel."

Prince of Space

[family discuss mission to space in dining room]
Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
Crow: ...the dining room?

Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?

Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo: Veterans cannot be turned down!

Tom (As dog): Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
[A police car drives past in the same direction]
Mike: After that dog!

More Creeping Terror:

(woman living on plain dirt road hangs up laundry outside plain house)
Mike: Meanwhile, in a Kurosawa film..

Narrator: This man's name is Martin Gordon.  The lovely girl beside him is Brett, his bride of two wonderful weeks.
Mike (as narrator): They have everything, I have nothing!

(The alien constantly bends over as it moves)
Mike: Ohayo.  Ohayo Gozaimasu.  Ohayo.

(Army soldier stands very close to spaceship, standing guard)
Crow (as soldier): I love you, spaceship.

(Soldier shines flashlight on alien inside spaceship as it roars)
Mike: Please.. just five more minutes, mom..

(Brett's hand moves awkwardly just off camera, towards Martin's pelvic region)
Servo: What's she doing?
Mike (as Brett): Now cough, honey.

Martin (to friend Barney): Barney, you should try marriage.  It'd do wonders for you.
Crow (as Barney): My answer is.. yes, Martin, yes!!!

(Alien crawls by as it's obvious people are moving inside the alien costume)
Mike: Man, it's hot in here!
Crow: Hey Phil, which way you goin'?
Servo: Everybody fine back there?
Crow: Yup!

(Bored kid swings a stick around like a whip)
Servo: Bobby has often observed his parents at night..

(During a hootenanny with a folk singer playing guitar, a couple get up and head to the woods to make out, as the "crowd" waves goodbye to them)
Mike: Send help!

(Folk singer hits creature with guitar)
Mike: He's finally putting his guitar to good use!

Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lover's Lane.
Mike: To a sold-out crowd!

(While digesting 2 people in their car, the creature bumps up against the car)
Crow: Uh.. Mike?
Mike: You see, when a monster and a car love each other very much...

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:

British guy: "You'll take what you can get."
Fingal: "What can I get, then?"
Crow: "Bollocks!"

(establishing shot of Nirvana)
"Come as you are, to my mall, to my atrium..."


The Movie:

(Russell Johnson approaches to discuss something)
Mike: "What's this 'and the rest' crap?"

(Mutant is struck repeatedly on its huge exposed brain)
Crow: "Ow, I'm very vulnerable there. Ow, there go the piano lessons. Ow, I can't remember my dad."

"Everyone picks on that one weak spot in my exoskeleton"

"Hey, nice slacks."

"Are you boys cooking in there? No! Are you building an interociter? No!"

(Cal holds up Geiger counter after interociter self-destructs)
Mike: "Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?"

"The secret government Eggo project."

"My waffle! Oh, the humanity!"

One more CREEPING TERROR...

(The last victim is slowly crawling away from the Terror):

MIKE: I think I hit on something.  Stay away from his mouth!  Don't crawl inside him! 

The Brain that Wouldn't Die

"I can't make lasagna tonight because you've got the pan!"

Servo's Batman narration: ""What's this? Our fanatical physician and his fickle fiance speeding to their country cottage?"

"You're listening to K-PORN."

Crow (during the beauty contest): "Miss Chestular Region."

"Aaaagh! I'm in another dimension!"

A Young Man's Fancy:

(Mom reads letter from her son)
Mom: He wrote to say he's bringing a friend with him.
Daughter: What did he say?  About the friend I mean.  Is he tall, dark and handsome I hope?
Servo (as daughter): Tee hee!  I'm horny!

(Daughter puts milk in refrigerator)
Servo (as daughter): Here you go, Daddy!
Mike (as dad, inside fridge): Thanks kitten!

I see nobody's done STARFIGHTERS yet.

Too many refueling jokes to mention.

MIKE: "Is your face odd? Misshapen?  Join the Air Force!"

CROW: "All right men, poop!"

TOM: "So, according the themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leatherfaced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women?"

I Was a Teenage Werewolf

Servo: "You are NOT drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's, young man, you just aren't old enough!"

Detective Donovan (answering phone): "Donovan, yeah."
Mike: "I'm just mad about saffron, right."

"Nylabone, son?"

"But I thought it was all right if I pick a little fight, Bonanza"

"Watch out! He's packing half and half!"

The Crawling Eye:

(2 mountaineers uncover a corpse)
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

Mad Monster:

Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

The Crawling Hand:

[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.

Wild Rebels:

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?

Time Of The Apes:

[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]
Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

Home Economics Story:

[High school girls attend an assembly. A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils:

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy — Texas style!

Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.

The Killer Shrews:

[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

Karma for that: you've finally cleared up the mystery for me of what the kids were watching in Adventures In Babysitting when Elizabeth Shue walks into the room.  :teddyr:



Sorry Joan, I love you, I always will but  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Thanks Trev.  I don't remember a whole lot about Adventures In Babysitting, other than I really, really hated it.
Eh.. Joan had it coming.  She was pretty but appeared in some awful films.   :smile:

More SKYDIVERS:

BOB: Beth, you get prettier every day.
MIKE: She must have written the dialogue.

[Another scene of girls dancing with the camera focused on the girl's posteriors]
TOM: That's the butt of choice.
MIKE: It won the Palme de Butt at Cannes.

From RACKET GIRLS:

[While watching scenes of unattractive ladies wrestling]:

MIKE: Two dominant male women fight for superiority!

TOM: This would turn k.d. Lang hetero.

TOM: This movie has taken away the joy of looking at someone's hinder.

[Regarding the older female wrestler...]

CROW: Strut, pout, put it out, that’s what you want from grandma!

MIKE: It's always awkward when you have to break up with your grandma.

From The Final Sacrifice

Pipper:  Troy? Thomas' son

Troy: Yes, You knew my father?

Crow: Knew him.  He was delicious!

Another classic for me, although I don't know what film was being riffed. All I know it was a b/w monster film and there was one scene where there were about 200 people gathered around a table. One guy walks by, looks into the group and goes away.

It may have been Joel or Mike that then says: "Hey guys.... am I the only one working here?"  :teddyr:

[A door slams off screen]

Crow: "That is the sound of the director giving up and leaving."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

RED ZONE CUBA:

CROW: You know, Coleman Francis would make a very lumpy mattress.

CROW: I want to hurt this movie but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me.

[Speaking as the odd-looking restaurant owner]
TOM: My father was a can opener and my mother was a wood duck.

[Fake blood splatters on the face of a man being executed by a firing squad]
MIKE: Great, thanks! I'm dying and now I have paint on my face!
[Later, during another execution]
MIKE: Do you want paint in your face?  That's optional.

RIDING WITH DEATH:

Mike: "I don't think it's fair to say anything is starring Ben Murphy. Lets just say that most of the time, the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy."

"Gavin McLeod Mania! Not Gavin McLeod but an incredible simulation!"

"I'm also a freelance Murray Slaughter."

Crow: "We've disguised the tripolidene as Junior Samples." (The shipment of top secret superfuel is in a bottle with carrying straps that look like little overalls.)

Crow: "Operation Camel Toe."

"The rare male camel toe."

"I am become death, destroyer of small plastic radios."

“So it takes them 13 hours to go from Torrance to Long Beach?”

 :bouncegiggle:

The Crawling Hand:

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.

Radar Men From The Moon Part 6:

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!

Untamed Youth:

Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.

Jungle Goddess:

[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]
Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?

Gamera vs. Guiron:

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!

Posture Pals:

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

Master Ninja I:

[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled!

THE MOVIE

(POV from diving plane)
Crow: Green Acres!

Joe: Here's one my wife could use - an interociter with an electron sorter.
Cal: She'd probably gain 20 pounds while it did all the housework.
Servo: Cal, you b***h!

Joe: You know what my kids would say...
Mike: You're not my real father!

Joe: I don't know, and I don't wanna know.
Servo: Just love me!

(waiting for the plane)
Mike: You know, all the problems of a hunky guy and a wormy sidekick don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Servo: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest, but I'm not an alien.

Mike: Let's escape under cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county.

(first view of Metaluna)
Crow: Ewww, it's Michael Stipe's head.

(flaming saucer about to crash)
Servo: Nothing to see here, just a weather balloon, just some swamp gas.

LASERBLAST

[After a drawn-out scene of a guy conspicuously buying and enjoying a Coca-Cola]
MIKE: Pepsi paid them good money to put Coke in this film.

CROW: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!

CROW: Bad movies have taught us that sheriffs hold onto their belts a lot.

"Are you ready for some football!?"

Canadians got that?

Actually, that was a riff I didn't like at first, but it kept getting better because of the permutations as it goes on.  It became funny because it was repeated so often in different ways: for example, the despondent "I think that you might not be ready for some football."

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE

Crow: He's the only fish with a butt.

GIANT SPIDER INVASION

[Alcoholic mom is killed by spiders]
CROW: "I hate it when a movie kills off a beloved character…this is great, though!"

[Hicks are shown rioting]
"They’re toughening GED standards! No fair!"

[Singing as the giant spider, as it kills a policeman]
"I injected a paralyzing toxin into the sheriff, but I did not inject a paralyzing toxin into the deputy."

And of course, "Packers win the Superbowl! Wooo!"

Also from GIANT SPIDER INVASION:

"I'm wearing a lovely pantsuit!"

"VAAH-INCE!"

(singing) "There's a dark yellow stain on my backbrace..."

(singing) "I love tick-infested hounds, slaughterin’ deer - and beer"

Devil Doll:

"Butt Lady! Butt Lady! Butt Lady!"

"If we don't get a volunteer, you're all gonna have to see my can."

"I wonder what the ten percent of her ass I haven't seen looks like."

"Uh oh, I better go flash 'em a cheek."

"I command you to shake your moneymaker."

"He's using his amazing powers to make her do a modest twist."

"When are you going to start smashing watermelons?"

"Alright, everyone thrill as I get my own olive loaf."

“You think he likes ham. Wait 'til you see ME like ham.”

"Did someone just come in and paw my puppet?"

Puma Man:

(Everything a certian music bit plays) Bots & Mike: Do the hustle!

PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR

[Attendants insert IV's into a clones veins]
MIKE: "Room service at the Chelsea Hotel."

[The leads have just finished a night of lovemaking. You have to see it to understand...]
MIKE: "Let's put out our flaming crotches and we'll find your nose."

[Man approaches in skintight wet speedo.]
MAN: "You try to blind those who cannot see."
CROW: "With your shrink-wrapped batch."

The Touch of Satan has a great running gag with the walnut ranch.

"The walnuts are really tearin' through the hay."

"Don't spook the walnuts."

"My prize walnut died."

"Have to go milk the walnuts."

"Look out, it's a walnut stampede!"

What could be more fun then a movie hosted by a man and his two robot companions

Via Ward E:

Mike: I dunno, Crow. It's probably just me, but the whole idea of a screenplay based around the life of Peter Graves just spells box-office poison. And then to go and narrow the focus so much...
Crow: Here, let me sizzle it for ya, Mike. Peter Graves went to the University of Minnesota, right?
Mike: I guess...
Crow: 'I guess' nothing! The man went to the U of M! And that's exactly what my screenplay exploits.
Tom: Well, can we just get on with this please?
Crow: Yes. *ahem* Here we go. 'Just Plain Peter: The U Of M Years'. Or, 'Peter Graves Goes To College At The University Of Minnesota'. A screenplay by Crow T. Robot.
Mike: Okay, okay, let's go.
Tom: I'm only doing this because I need the stage time, pinbeak.
Mike: Okay, Servo, okay.
Tom: Okay, okay. *ahem* Act One: Peter Graves Enrolls At The University Of Minnesota.
Mike (puts on a pair of glasses): Hi, I'm the registrar. May I help you?
Crow: (in Peter Graves-like voice) Yes, I'm Peter Graves, and I'd like to enroll at the University of Minnesota.
Tom: Ah... Act Two. Uh, Mike, you gotta help me with the cards.
Mike: Oh, right. (Mike flips a card over so it now reads 'Act II')
Tom: Act Two: Peter Graves Attends His First Class.
Crow: Hi, I'm Peter Graves. Is this Biology 101?
Mike (puts on mortarboard): Yes.
Crow: Good. I'm Peter Graves, and I'm in the right class.
Tom: Huh. Um, Act Three. Act Three: Peter Graves Enjoys Dorm Life.
Mike: Okay... ah... think fast! (throws a ball at Crow)
Crow: Ah-ha! I'm Peter Graves, and I'm enjoying some good-natured ribbing with one of my many new pals here at the University of Minnesota.
Tom: Uh... Act Four: Extracuricular Activities.
Crow: Oooh, this is great, this one...
Tom: Just get...
Crow: I'm Peter Graves, and I was wondering if you could direct me to the natatorium, as I am attending a swim meet.
Mike: It's that way.
Crow: Thank you. I'm Peter Graves.
Tom: Ah, okay. Ah, Act Five: Peter Finds His Calling.
Crow: I'm Peter Graves, and I'm beginning to take an interest in the theater arts and speech communications here at the....
Mike: Crow, how many... how many acts are there?
Crow: Ah... fifteen.
Tom: Ah, Crow, I'm not criticizing here, but were you worried about the reduncancy factor? Or not?
Crow: Well, I felt my point was important enough to risk that, but let's do the climax. I think you'll really like it!
Tom: Okay, flip all the cards over now. (Mike flips the cards to Act 15) Act Fifteen: Graduation.
Crow: I'm Peter Graves. Thank you for the oppurtunity of learning at this fine institution. As I look back, I remember fondly my enrollment process, where, had you been there, you might have heard me say, 'Hi, I'm Peter Graves, and I'd like to enroll at the University of Minnesota.' Or the time...
Tom: That's IT! Crow, you are WAY out there!
Crow: What? Hey!
Tom: WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAY out! (Storms out.)
Crow: But... um...
Mike: I gotta agree with him, Crow. (Crumples up script and throws in into Crow's net; exits.)
Crow: No... but... Mike... no matter what you or Servo may think of my little screenplay, if it's convinced just one person out there that Peter Graves went to the University of Minnesota... then I've done my job. (Movie sign)
I'm Peter Graves, and we've got movie sign on A & E... whoa... Aaaaaaah! (goes flying through the air as door sequence begins).

(cut)

From Warrior of the Lost World:
 
<trio> "MEGAWEAPON! MEGAWEAPON! MEGAWEAPON!"

<Einstein to "hero">  "Kiss the girl"
<Joel> "Make her cry!"


The running "guy in the trunk" joke from Space Teenagers.


From Invasion of the Neptune Men:

<trio, as bullethead spacemen are stalking towards Space Chief>  "HAHAHAHAHA.  YOUR COSTUME IS RIDICULOUS."

<Servo> "Nooo, the things are doing things!"

<Servo>  "They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor!"


I forget which ep it's from, but, "I no longer wonder if there's a point to this movie.  I wonder if there's a point to anything.

Followed by:

Crow: This is the scene where she really earned her paycheque.
Tom: The whole two hundred bucks.

PRINCE OF SPACE (sorry if any repeats)

NEWSPAPER EDITOR: Gentlemen, this may be our last day on earth.
MIKE: Let's hit the karaoke bars.

[Prince of Space dodges ray gun blasts]
CROW: I have no superpowers, but I can skip reasonably well.
[But he later changes his tune about Prince's abilities...]
CROW: His power apparently lies in choosing incompetent enemies.

[Rocket ship blows up]
MIKE: Oh, the inanity!
CROW: Oh, the Japanity!

PHANTOM: Each of you will enter a space capsule.
SCIENTIST: What?
TOM: Oh, for crying out loud, EACH OF YOU WILL ENTER A SPACE CAPSULE!

Actually, I don't think the riffing on this episode is all that great---the movie is so ridiculous, it does their work for them.  A lot of the time they're just repeating the characters ridiculous repeated catchphrases.  But the host segments are amazing!  I like them very much!

Another one from Warrior of the Lost World. Donald Pleasence uses Persis Khambatta as a human shield.

Crow: "Don't move! I'll shave her head! I shaved mine and I'm just crazy enough to do it!"



Secret Agent Super Dragon

The whole running gag about the hero having no visible batch. "Mein Gott! He's smooth!"

"Gotta go drain the super dragon."

More SPACE MUTINY:

[During the scene where the older woman does her sexy dance in the nightclub to catch Reb Brown's eye]
CROW: So, in the future there's absolutely no shame?
MIKE: This is less subtle than an Annie Sprinkle performance piece.
TOM: She's presenting like a mandrill!

[During the scene where the Bellerian leader appears to be giving a lap dance to the ship's captain, who looks like Santa Claus]
MIKE: Finally, Christmas comes to Santa!
CROW: Just let me check you twice, here...

[During the love scene]
CROW: She dusted herself with weight gain powder to attract him.

Oh, I can NOT stay out of this one...

Fave line from BEGINNING OF THE END. "One weekend a month my a$$!"

And GORGO. "The Vice Presidents uninspiring campaign slogan."
Also...
"He's dressed up like a chimp."
Tom (Singing): "They got into port, and everyone was ok-ey, they went out for lunch, and felt betterrrr!"
"I crush you-you get crushed..."
""Mike: "Okey we know why we're here, lets start tossin' Brits around."
"They crossed lines with the guy trying to catch Godzilla"
"The man's just Dorkin."

PRINCE OF SPACE "A rare Godzilla free day"
"Bagawk!"
"Aaaand-mince,mince,mince,mince..."

DANGER- DEATH RAY! "BART FARGO, BART, FARGO, BART FARGO, BART FARGO, BART FARGO..."

So many jokes, so little screen room!

And the earlier one:
"It's rough, but is it too rough to feed us?"

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :thumbup:

TIME CHASERS (sorry if any repeats)

[The male lead appears onscreen for the first time]
CROW: No, no, this can't be the star, can it movie? Movie, hey movie! Can I see your supervisor, movie? This will not stand!

[Female lead appears onscreen for the first time]
TOM: Two different plaids? Man, I'm a naked robot and even I know that's a fashion no-no.

[Nick is describing the practical applications of time travel]
NICK: ...you could study the long term effects of we're having on our environment. We could...
MIKE: Send Bob Saget to meet Charlemagne.

[The leads are making out while flying a plane.  The woman stops and leans over to look at something.]
LISA Nick, what is that?
CROW: That means I like you.

(My 10 year old nephew actually got that joke... I'm not sure whether to be proud of him or not!)

I've actually used that line when goofing on movies with some friends.

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE

(The creature snatched an egret off a log)
CROW: Egrets. I've had a few.

From GIANT SPIDER INVASION
Mike <singing> "I injected a paralyzing toxin into the sheriff, but I did not inject a paralyzing toxin into the deputy"

From SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL
Servo <referring to pilot> "My face is large and troublesome!"
Mike <kidnappers bring pilot's wife to the window, force her to look out> "Take a long hard look at what you married!"

From GIRL IN GOLD BOOTS
"I'm an icky elf!"

And, can't believe this thread went 8 pages without bringing up COILY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2Hym_r409g

OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (sorry if any repeats)

APPOLONIA: Fingal was my first compulsory doppel.
MIKE: I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal doppel.

FINGAL: What kind of doppel can I afford for 47 credits?
BYSTANDER: 47 credits?  You'll be lucky to get an anteater!
CROW: Whoa! Huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

MIKE: You know, I bet nobody ever scrolls up this cinema.

[Responding to another cheap special effect]
TOM: This movie just keeps chucking rectangles at you!

APPOLONIA: Electrons don't dance, Fingal.  They don't make love.
CROW: They're Lutherans.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

No Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders?  Allow me to fix that!

Tom: [As Merlin] Yes it's my mission to release evil and gradually recover it, following the deaths of many innocent people.

Crow: [As Merlin] Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you...

Crow: [As the little boy] So evil wins, Grandpa Borgnine ?
[As grandpa] That's right even your tiny soul is doomed, Billy.

I love that one.


From The Girl in Gold Boots, when a break in the film causes a character to seemingly appear out of nowhere while the other characters continue their conversation:

Servo: "I'm back!"

Mike: "Anybody notice I'm here now?"

Crow: "Come on! I just teleported here! It's impressive!"

Godzilla Vs. Megalon!

"It's the all idiot channel!"

"I hate these stairs. I'm a robot and I hate these stairs..."

"You reccon? Hey, you're Japanese, 'eb-san'

""It's Oscar Wilde!"

"Ah,right, its time fah da headlinah!"

"I'll be off crushin' your house..."

" "Things have really picked up since Twyla Tharp joined the clan."

And of course...(Singing) HE JOCK IT, MADE OF STEEL-EAT SUSHI FROM A PAAAAIL!..."

From Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie:

Exeter: [a MutAnt blocks their path to escape] He appears badly hurt - stay close to me.
Tom Servo: *Ahem* "Guten Tag! Zigaretten? Wir wollen ein Auto mieten!"

 :teddyr:

I can't remember if we've had their classic take on the Gamera theme, from Gamera vs. Guiron.

"Gameraaa! Gameraaaa!
Gamera is really neat!
He is filled with turtle meat!
We've been eating Gameraaaaa!"

I showed that clip to my 10 year old nephew and he immediately memorized it and sings it all the time.  For my birthday, he even incorporated my name into the lyrics on the card he gave me.  

THE PHANTOM PLANET

[commenting on the strange spacey music]
TOM: Is someone rubbing a cat against a zither?

[The hero's life is flashing before his eyes]
CROW: Frank, you’ll have to take third grade again… gain… gain…
MIKE: Mr. Chapman, this is Western Financial Collections. Do you value your credit rating… rating… rating…
CROW: I’m afraid you’re just not 7-11 timber, Frank… Frank… Frank…
TOM: You’re the worst party clown we’ve ever had… had… had…

[commenting on the movements of the toy spaceships]
MIKE: Wow, no one told me about the black ice here in space.

[You had to see it...]
CROW: Their bed technology is light years behind their spacegoing chicken technology.

From Devil Fish:

Villian: [In library pointing gun at a person] Hold it!
Mike: You have overdue library books!

[Strange Music playing during discovery of a dead body]
Crow: Is the softcore porn music really apporiate for this scene?

Mike: [As the alcoholic Bob is pulled underwater by the Devil Fish] Say goodbye to beer for me!

Crow: [After villian is shot] Predried, immeditate red blood.

Villian: [Dying] You'll never stop it!
Mike: Ugh, even in death, he'll never shut up!

I will have to find the clip.  It is for Space Mutiny.

Not sure who said it,

"Reaching Speeds of five miles per hour"

HAHAHAHAHAH

Later,

John

More Mitchell:

[Martin Balsam gets up to leave]"I'm not bringing that shipment in and that is final."
Tom: "BLLLLPPPPPPPPPP.....the shipment's in!"

 :teddyr:

The Final Sacrifice (sorry, Russell  :wink:)

[Shane Marceau's credit appears onscreen]
Comment from the guys: "Shane, go away, Shane!"

:teddyr:

WEREWOLF:

CROW: Oh yes, the Sonata in A Minor for Cello and Werewolf.

CROW: So, his plan is to rid the world of security guards by changing them into werewolves one by one and having them crash their cars?

[Commenting on the Eastern European leads]
MIKE: The Uzbekistani Tracy and Hepburn.

TOM: Oh, great, a random citizen who can kick a werewolf's ass. [Somebody had this one as their sig here.]

From Cave Dwellers

Joel: [Ator and Co. are under attack from invisible enemies] Oh I don't believe it, they were too cheap to hire villains!

Joel: Wait, why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, because she's got an arrow in her chest.
Joel: Oh I can see... huh?

Tom: [Regarding the hanglider] Okay, so, you killed a deer, stretched the hide, made an airlite aluminum frame, and mastered areodynamics?

One that made me laugh out loud from Time Chasers - the main character is climbing a tree, and one of the guys says "He's looking for honey, like Pooh".

Mike: "He's like poo, all right."   :teddyr:

More Time Chasers:

Lisa: What's the use of a time machine for GenCorp?
Nick: I'll give you an example.
Crow: You could send an egg into the future!
Nick: We could study the long-term effects we're having on our environment. We could, uh...
Mike: Send Bob Saget to meet Charlemagne.

From Warrior of the Lost World

During the desert brawl
Crow - "There's about eight different movies being shot here!"
Tom Servo - "Ninjas, please report to the Master Ninja set, grunge girls you're needed on the Mad Max set, what are you people from The Philadelphia Story doing here!?!"

As Rider rides off at the end:
Crow: Who were you?!

from The Dead talk back:
Mike: The selling revolution will not be televised!

More Warrior of the lost World:

The whole running gag around Professor McWayne's resemblance to Jimmy Carter. "Have some malaise, suckas!"

Mike and the 'bots as various cast members humming or singing Albert Glasser's uber-bombastic theme in THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

One of the funniest parts of Warrior of the Lost World. Servo names everybody as the camera pans across a crowd.

"Hey, look! Robbie Benson, Jack Burns, Andrea Martin, Dennis Hopper, Jodie Huson, Garry Shandling, Paul Reiser, Peter Cook, Junior Samples, Elaine Boosler, Adam Sandler, Barry Sobel! And there's Garth Brooks, Bruce Miller, Les Paul, Patrick Swayze as Gandhi, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Robert Carradine, Bruno Kirby, Griffin Dunne, Mike Nichols, Ron Reagan! Demi Moore, Gabriel Byrne, Gallagher, Robert Loggia, Janis Joplin, and Jonathan Schwarz! Oh ho! There's Lyle Waggoner, Tom Dreisden, Steve Rubell, Alan Alda, Michael Ironside, kd lang, Kate Clinton, Lee Van Cleef, Marlee Matlin, David Byrne, Linda Hunt, Leslie West, Sandy Duncan, Craig T Nelson, David Letterman, Tony Danza, Anthony Quinn, Edie Brickell, and Tony Bill! Cool! And Roland Gibb, Tracy Kozinski, and Rene Auberjonois! John Hurt, Cicely Tyson, Michael Perry! Persis Khambatta! And ... I can't place him. Paper Chase guy?"

No HOBGOBLINS yet??

MIKE (singing): It's the 80s, lets do coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

WIMPY KID: I wish Amy could be here to see what I did!
MIKE: I shot a starter pistol and whined out another line!

[During hobgoblin attack scene]
GIRLS scream.
CROW: Someone's rubbing puppets on us!

TOM: Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?

SECURITY GUARD: There's been an accident at the studio.
CROW: We made HOBGOBLINS.

(apologies if it was mentioned before)
from REVENGE OF THE CREATURE:
Mike, seeing (a very young) Clint Eastwood's bit part:  "This guy's no good, this is his first and LAST movie!"

from the DESIGN FOR DREAMING short:

Tom, as Girl is dancing behind Mask Guy, "Oh god, she's right behind me!  Act casual...."

(cake comes out of Futuristic Kitchen oven, frosted and with candles) Mike: "Uh-uh. I call no way."

Girl dances, Trio: "GIVE US CYD CHARISSE!"
Tom: "Yeah, while she's doing this, Japan is making great cars."

Mike: "Conspicuous consumption makes our love stronger!"

Skydivers:

(Beth's pants are a bit on the poofy side)
Tom: Wow.. she's got a pantload!

Suzy (To Frankie): What are you.. a chicken?
Mike (as Frankie, whiny): A chicken..?  Well, I don't have a comb or a gizzard.. but sometimes I ingest gravel in my beak to grind my food..

(Suzy and Frankie kiss awkwardly)
Crow: They're kissing like dolphins! (all) EEE!  EEE!!  EEE!!!

Here's one from Pod People that no one mentioned!

Servo: Well, come on. Breakfast is gettin' cold, and she's not gettin' any warmer.


I'm surprised no one even brought The Blood Waters of Dr. Z yet!

Tom: I need to simplfy my masterbation ritual.

Dr. Leopold: I love you.
Tom: [As a fish] And I love you but not in that way.

Dr. Leopold: It's been a long twenty years.
Tom: Well, it's been a long twenty minutes.

Crow: Joe Don Baker and Basquiat just hanging out together.

Crow: [Refering to Rex] Oh good he's pulling the emergency stop for the movie.

Mike: Oh, I get it, he's trying to be Bela Lagosi and create his own rice of pipples!!

Eegah!

[Close up of a smiling Arch Hall Jr.]

Joel: "Ahhh he's smiling!"


Manos: The Hands of Fate

[Torgo fondling woman]

Crow: "The itsy bitsy spiiiider..."

[daugter lies down on couch]

Joel: " I'm beat, I'm gonna hit the stain!"

[daughter puts something dubious into her poodles mouth]

Joel: "Hey Mom can Snuffy eat this silver fish?"


The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and became Teenage Zombies

[Dance routine surrounded by an audience in a tent]

Mike: "Guess the genders and win a free cocktail".

[Dancers move stiffly, female dancer twirls into male dancers arms]

Tom Servo: "Please the Furors out there tonight!"

[Male dancer makes strange swatting moves]

Crow:" I'm a big p***y-cat!"
 
[Large audience applauds]

Tom: " Hmmm, must be free chicken wings tonight."

TOUCH OF SATAN

[During a romantic walk in the moonlight Melissa playfully runs from Jody and stops by the edge of the pond.]
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
Jody: Why did you run?
TOM [as Melissa]: 'Cause this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: Felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that so I ran.
MIKE [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[They start to kiss]
CROW [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
TOM [as Melissa]: Please, not in front of the fish!
MIKE [as Jody]; Hey, your hoof is on my sneaker.
CROW [as Jody]: Oh, that was really bad.
Melissa: Tell me about yourself, who you are, all of that.
TOM [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives...
Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count.  When the Bolsheviks came in...
Melissa: Stop it.
Jody: You don't believe that?
Melissa: No.
Jody: Well, it could be true.
Melissa: Stop it.
MIKE [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss "This is where the fish lives."

MITCHELL:

Joel: "Ah...the spotted cuckoo's flying backwards. It's a cold day for pontooning."  :question: :teddyr:

------------------------

I'm not sure what the riffed movie is.....

Joel: [carrying Tom into the theatre, sees Roger Corman's credit appearing onscreen] "That's it, we're doomed."
 

:teddyr:

A couple more from MITCHELL
Tom <singing to tune of "Saturday in the Park"> "Mobsters laughin' really smilin', man selling heroin"

Crow (after Goons beat up Mitchell) "Oh, sorry, we thought you were Jim Rockford."


From SPACE MUTINY

Crow (as Calgon shoves a random guy) "Stupid freshmen!"

Leah to Chunkhead "You really are stubborn."
Mike (as Chunkhead) "Does that mean I'm cut?"


From the ALPHABET ANTICS short

Tom: "D is for Damned, Village of."

Tom: "N is for float - wait, huh?"

Tom: "O is for Once there was a writers' strike?"

Joel: "P is for Plagiarized from Ogden Nash!"

Also from Mitchell, with the old lady who is unwittingly smuggling drugs in her luggage. Spoken in a sweet old lady voice, of course.

"I just felt the balloon break!"

"We're going to control the ghetto, you and I."

And another good one:

"Andy Kaufman! You so stupid!"

THE FINAL SACRIFICE (some repeats, I'm sure)


CROW: So, Rowsdower, is that a stupid name, or...

TROY: Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?
ZAP: No.
TROY: What were you before?
CROW: Well, I used to give plasma...

TROY: You knew my father?
MIKE [as Pipper]: Knew him?  He was delicious!

[Rowsower drinks a beer and watches the sunset with a contemplative expression]
CROW: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

"Diabolik"

Room full of people laughing hysterically. "Dan Quayle announces his candidacy."

(Dan Quayle jokes are IMMORTAL!!)

(Don't think these have been mentioned, if so, apologies.)

From MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS:

Merlin (about to leave to find the evil monkey toy): "Don't I get a kiss?"
Mrs. Merlin: "You'll get more than that if you don't find that toy!"
Crow: "Did she just threaten him with sex?"

Servo randomly mimicking Merlin's "You're welcome"

"Saint Merlin not officially recognized by the Catholic Church."

Some more FINAL SACRIFICE:

Mike (as Troy, happily singing): I'm gonna get water for Rowsdower.. Rowsdower wants me to get water for him..

Mike (as Rowsdower, looking quizzically at Pipper): Could I drink him? ...Nah.

Pipper: Go home.  Forget about the cult.  Don't let it ruin your life too!
Rowsdower: It already has.
Crow (as Rowsdower): Look at my hair!

(Rowsdower tries to start truck)
Mike (as truck revving): RowsdowerrrERrrERrrERrr..

From The Deadly Bees:
Farmer returns to his farm where his wife has been stung to death
Crow: One Day I'll come home and you'll be dead and..hey look it!

From Price of Space:
One of the scientist looking angrly at the Phantom of Krankor:
Mike(in a tough guy voice): I'm going to mess you up.

Servo: "Mighty Jack, the story of a brave pancake, starring Aunt Jemima and Flap the Wonder Dog.

Zombie Nightmare:

Teen (to the broadly drawn Italian stereotype): What happened Mr. Peters?
Servo: Peters?
Mike: Hank Peters, Italian grocer!

Voodoo Woman: I need de blood from a live animal.
Servo: And de lime in de coconut.

(Punk chucks a handful of spaghetti in his mom's face)
Servo: Didn't stick. Must not be done.

Motorhead's Ace of Spades: You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby.
Servo: So, he's mad because he's losing, but that's the way he likes it?
Crow: Well, then everything works out.

(Rampaging zombie with a baseball bat)
Servo: George Romero's Casey at the Bat!

SOULTAKER

Father: The doctors have declared my daughter...
TOM: Patient of the month!
Father: ...brain dead.

Lots of jokes based on the fact that the female lead also wrote the screenplay.

Zach: Your mom, she's fine.  She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?!
MIKE: Hey, you wrote this crap.

[Natalie reclines on her bed]
TOM: Interior: bedroom. Me. Draped across the bed, tousled but tawny. I lay there, hand on my taut tummy. Still pretty, in a worried kind of way.  Zoom in on my prettiness...

MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS

CROW: Merlin was a thieving crackhead who fenced VCRs to feed his habit.

MIKE: Why couldn't the monkey just arrange this from inside the garbage can?

CROW: St. Merlin is not recognized by the Catholic Church.

Recurring jokes about how Ernest Borgnine "wrote" the screenplay:

CROW: Grandpa Borgnine, please!  Not another subplot!

CROW [in Ernest Borgnine voice]: I also have a script called "Chinatown," but I don't like it as much.

Didn't see any FUTURE WAR:

[Hero appears]
CROW: Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
MIKE: No, it's more like Jean-Claude Gosh-Darn.

[Robert Z'Dar's name appears in the credits]
TOM: Oh Z'no!

[the credit sequence is really, really long...]
TOM: See, this is what happens when you de-regulate credits.

[kickboxing sight gag]
TOM: My trained weenie will finish you off!

SISTER ANNE: I've done things I'm not proud of.
CROW: That's why I keep a scrapbook!

TOM: So that's how you kill an android!  You wipe a length of thin pipe across his abdomen!

[Z'dar crashes through the wall into a Catholic shrine]
TOM: The Lutherans create a cyborg.

[character inexpliably loses his shirt in the middle of a fight scene]
TOM: My shirt was knocked off!

Or Z'Dar in Soultaker.

Crow: He's a catcher's mitt with eyes.

Not a riff but a line from The Final Sacrifice which I may have misheard because the IMDB has Rowsdower saying something else entirely:

Rowsdower [to Troy] "What's your name, whitey?"  :question: :question:

Whitey? The IMDB says "laddie" but I'm sure I heard "whitey".

Okay, it's from their RiffTrax, but I couldn't resist putting a couple up from Transfomers 2: Revenge of the Fallen!

"Oh, good. Twin mechanical Jar-Jars."

"Important note for your STEALTH missions, create as many sparks as possible."

"General Motors would like to remind their former employees not to think of how much all this product placement cost."

"Michael Bay, all the racial sensitivity of a 1940's Disney animator."

I remember that line, but I was pretty sure he said "laddie".  I may have to give it another listen.. it would indeed be strange for a white person to call another white person "whitey".  Although I have heard many a black person call another black person the n-word, which is just a stupid word to begin with..

I'm pretty sure it was laddie. I watched that episode not too long ago, and I recall commenting on what an unnatural bit of dialogue it was, even for that movie. Otherwise, I thought Rowsdower was a pretty accurate representation of an unemployed Canadian dirtbag of that period. :teddyr:

One thing that surprised me with "The Final Sacrifice" is when they were riffing on Pipper, nobody picked up on any resemblance to Jim Henson. Between the shaggy beard and the voice, that sprang immediately to my mind.

I definitely thought of Rowlf from the Muppet Show by Pipper's voice.

BLOOD WATERS OF DR. Z

[Title comes on]
TOM: Blood waters, eh? I guess Dr. Z has a little kidney problem.

[Dr. Z putters about and fiddles with various knobs on mechanical gizmos as he prepares to transform]
TOM: I need to simplify my masturbation ritual.

CROW: Next week on 'Invisible Cracker Mom'!

I checked it out on Youtube and he did say "laddie". Thanks.  :smile:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Puma Man:

Tom: "Oh, he's shoplifting a hip bone for his Grandma!"

[Indian guy holds out something] "Look, I'm a representative for Aztecnology."

 :teddyr:

Cave Dwellers

(Miles O'Keefe credit appears)
Joel: How much Keefe is in this movie?

Narrator: ...his Asian friend, Thong.
Servo: Played here by Jimmy Carl Black of the Mothers of Invention.

Crow: Jeez, Tolkien couldn't follow this plot.

Ator: We'll take them back to the village, and I'll speak to their people.
Joel: The Village People?

(Ator cuts - or rather knocks - the head off a fake zombie with his sword)
Servo: Ooo, how graphic!

MITCHELL

(The title screen very slowly brings the word MITCHELL on the screen, making it hard to read)

Joel: Mittens?!
Servo: Joe Don Baker IS Mittens.
Crow: Martha Mitchell?
Servo: Joe Don Baker IS Martha Mitchell.

("wakka-chikka-wakka-chikka" 70's-style soundtrack is played during opening credits)
Servo: It was the third of September.. the day I'll always remember..

(burglar runs through Deeny's house)
Deeny: HEY!  YOU!
(burglar actually stops and turns around)
Joel: What?
(Deeny shoots him)
Joel: Oh.

Horror of Party Beach

Two drunk people stumble out of a bar slurring at each other. They each get into their respective cars and immediately crash into each other.

Riff:
"You got Chrysler on my Chevrolet!"
"You got Chevrolet on my Chrysler!"

BOGGY CREEK II: THE LEGEND CONTINUES

Narrator: It's from this tributary that the creature got its name.
MIKE: Its name is "tributary"?

Tanya: He ain't gonna make it if we don't get him to a doctor.
CROW: I'm an expert in undiscovered monkeys. 

Professor: I saw the little creature.
EVERYONE: Ewww!

Space Mutiny:

A lot of robots are shooting lasers at the protagonists and not hitting them.

Mike: They shouldn't have set their phasers to "miss."

FINAL JUSTICE

[Joe Don Baker's name appears in the credits]
CROW: Ooh, I wish I was illiterate so I didn't have to read that.

CROW: Malta - makers of fine knights, crosses and falcons.

[During a Joe Don Baker closeup]
TOM: He has double chins on his eyelids.

HAMLET

Marcellus: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
MIKE: Yeah, sorry, I didn't have any clean hose or pantaloons.

CROW: What's worse than clowns? Danish clowns.
HTOM: Danish Clowns: the damp, smelly, silverfish-infested basement of the clown world.

[Claudius is watching Hamlet and Laertes duel with an intense expression]
MIKE (as Claudius): I'm so baked, man.

The closing credits song to Final Justice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BysG97B5YM&p=6E62F9F610A15315&playnext=1&index=8

I've got a line that still cracks me up, but I can't remember which episode it was in.

Mike: "Don't look at her chesticological region."

Done in a Jerry Lewis voice, I'm sure.  Don't know which movie it's from but it would have been an appropriate line for WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN.

"Last Clear Chance"

[Narrator is reading off a list of traffic signs]

N: ...bridge out, signal ahead, and many others.
CROW: Live nude girls!
TOM: Whites only!

"A Day at the Fair"

NARRATOR: This is a jet plane, I wonder what it would be like to fly it?
MIKE: Secretly over Cambodia, maintaining plausible deniability?

"Keeping Clean"

[Narrator is giving hygiene advice and little kids are acting it out onscreen]
MIKE: People responded well to authoritative disembodied voices in the 50s.

From STARFIGHTERS:

Servo: the U.S. needs to get out of this movie.

(York starts making out w/his girlfriend)
Mike: Oh, you are so the only girl around.

Pilot: Col. Hunt, you have a phone call
Crow (as Hunt): But it's poopysuit day!

Mike: I really think there's more nothing in this movie than in any other movie we've seen.

(As movie is ending)
Mike: I've got a lump in my throat.
Crow: I've got a lump in my poopysuit!

More from The Final Sacrifice:

[Christian Malcolm's credit appears]
"He changed his name from I-used-to-believe-in-something-but-I-don't-really-go-to-church Malcolm".  :teddyr:

[Music by Robert Skeet]
"Great score.....it's skipping."

[Rowsdower: "My name's Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower."]
"Well, my name is Bill Stinkwater."  :teddyr:

[Edited by The Flying Dutchman]
"I hope his wooden shoes ice up and he crashes."  :teddyr: :buggedout: :buggedout:

[Rowsdower, what were you before?]
"I switched to beating up annoying kids with beer bottles."  :teddyr: :buggedout:

Was just watching Monster-A-Go-Go last night.

Narrator: This was the capsule Douglas rode in.
Servo: Douglas was pear-shaped, very short and stood the whole way.

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics.
Servo: Oops.

Some of the best ones are difficult to write, since they were singing along with the soundtrack.

(Low-pitched musical cue)
Everybody: Beeeeeee Ohhhhhh! (B.O.)

(Wild theremin music)
Everybody: Ooooooo, what a lucky man he was.

My favorite: "Know him!?  He was delicious!"

From Mitchell:

(Joe Don Baker and Linda Evans are getting it on as Hoyt Axton sings "My my my my Mitchell" and the Bots are severely traumatized)
Crow: My my my MY GOD!

Cummins: I don't pay for your hookers, Mitchell
Joel: Well, could ya?

Tom: They arrested Harlan Ellison!
Joel: Good.

Joel: If that's John Saxon, I'm dead.

(Mitchell punches his hand through aluminum foil covering a broken glass pane)
Crow: (as The Terminator) Liquid metal.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues BEST OPENING SKIT EVER!

You can pet the Llama till Hell freezes over for all I care!
DON'T YOU GIVE MATCHES TO MIKEY!   :bouncegiggle: :wink:

Found it. Mike says it during The Atomic Brain, as the mad scientist is giving a demonstration.

More Mitchell:

Joel: Hey look, it's one of the kids from Fame.
Crow: Which one?
Joel: Any of 'em.

Hoyt: My my my my Mitchell, what would your mama say?
Crow: She'd say 'He's not mine! You can't prove it!'

Servo: I like to top off my beer drinkin' with another beer. It's like dessert.

Cummings: Mitchell, you don't have to be a pig for the rest of your life.
Crow: Well, I kinda do.

Desk Sergeant: Have you any other offenses you'd like for us to take into consideration while you're in this kind of a mood?
Greta: Yeah, getting hung up on this guy.
Sergeant: That's a mistake, lady...
Servo: Didn't do me any good.
Sergeant:...not an offense.

Deaney: How do you like your scotch?
Crow: Uh, by the quart.
Joel: Come on, more, keep it coming, I'm a big boy, that's right.
Servo: I usually take it with a Ding-Dong in it, but I guess I'll take it neat.

Some 1980's western movie they were watching where the hero has a shoot out with some thugs

Mike: Shootout at High Goon

The old lady's theme from The Atomic Brain

Tom: She's old...she's old...she creeks...and pops...see...how old...she is...she's so...dang old... :bouncegiggle:

MAD MONSTER

[Scientist stares at his daughter as she leaves the room]
TOM: Nice caboose on that girl!  What am I saying, that's my daughter!  I am mad!

THE CORPSE VANISHES

[Dwarf henchman escorts gal reporter to her room for the night in mad scientists mansion]
HENCHMAN: I guess you'll sleep very good tonight... maybe? [laughs knowingly]
JOEL: He thinks that's funny?

Joel used the above joke more than once, when an evil character would say something obliquely sinister and then laugh.  The joke's silly and obvious but it never fails to crack me up.

Mitchell

(Helicopter shot pulls back from boat on the ocean)
Servo: I won't get old, I won't ever die, and I'll always eat oatmeal.

I think it was Tom Servo, and I don't recall the movie, but just always remember this line:

"From the director who brought you that other film, it's MORE OF THE SAME!"

MANOS:

[A dog is staring at the camera]
Tom: "Hold up that cue card, what's it say? Oh yeah, WOOF."   :teddyr:

The Master: "SILENCE!"
Joel: "Is golden."
The Master: "SILENCE!"
Joel: "Is golden."

POD PEOPLE:

(Camping band members bring a wounded girl inside an RV, trying to revive her by pouring booze in her mouth)
Band member 1: She's out cold.
Band member 2: We'll have to get her to a hospital!
Joel: Or a bar..

Uncle Bill: The road's blocked.. the phone lines are probably down too.
Joel: There's no way out of this film!

Poacher #2 (to evil Pod Person): You must be hungry! (offers meat)  Have some!
Crow: It's one of you!  Only gamier!

Pod People

(Movie cuts to closeup of Tommy's eye in a magnifying glass)
Crow: Aaagh! It's the camera man, and he's looking through the wrong lens!

(Closeup of dead centipede)
Joel: That comb used to belong to Keith Richards.

Tommy: Look what I have here, Uncle Bill.
Uncle Bill: Hmph, a centipede.
Tommy: It's a lithobius forficatus.
Uncle Bill: To me, it's a centipede. It's always been called a centipede.
Crow: He's a loving and giving caregiver.

From one of the COMMADNO CODY shorts, as Cody is wrestling with a "moon man" in the "space room" full of weird furniture:

Cody dives away from an explosion at the beginning
Servo: Oh, if I'd known he was gonna do that I wouldn't have spent the whole week worrying!

Joel: Guns by Vidal Sassoon

Crow: Someone's gonna snag their jammies on somethin' sharp, I just know it.


From  BOGGY CREEK II: THE LEGEND CONTINUES:
Servo: The Legend Continues! To be not heard about by anyone.

Chuck B. Pierce (in Crensaw's house)  "Everybody act casual!"
Mike: Well, they WERE acting casual, now they're all still and awkward!
Crow (as Crenshaw): If they're not acting casual, I'll have to kill them.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

The Final Sacrifice:

Rowsdower: "What are you doing in the back there, kid?"
Feeble voice: "Errmmm......I'm......laundry....."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

CATALINA CAPER

[Closeup of wiggling bikini-clad lasses]
CROW: Now this is the kind of padding I like in a film!

[Little Richard sings]
JOEL: I think I know a bright young singer who's hopped up on goofballs right now.

SIDEHACKERS

Every time they refer to Rommel as a "magnificent bastard"

JC: We've had a lot of runs together,
JOEL: Yeah, remember that dinner in Tijuana?

Pod People

(Tommy stops looking at his centipede for a moment of dialogue, then starts eating breakfast)
Crow: Oops, wrong bowl.

RING OF TERROR

Woman: It's not just the dance, Lewis.  It's the way you've been acting.
CROW: Woodenly.

THE PHANTOM CREEPS

[Reading the scroll that tells us what happened in the previous episode]
CROW: ...by using a device that makes him invisible---a contract to appear on the Comedy Channel.

SQUIRM

Mick (to Geri): Look.. I'm glad you didn't chase after him.  If Roger can see, he'll probably try to make his way home too.
Crow: If Roger can see..?  Do worms routinely try to blind people?

Mick (talking about Roger): I hope we find him before it gets dark.
Mike: My bedtime's 7:30.

(Worms chew a tree at the trunk, knocking it down onto the house.  Mick runs off to get gasoline to burn them with and returns to find they're no longer there.)
Geri: They're gone!
Crow: What did you SAY to them?!

(Child's voice on soundtrack hums as Alma reaches for door)
Crow: The worms are playing kazoo in there.

(Camera moves along floor with worm's POV)
Servo: Oh, they gave the camera to Dustin Hoffman.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

The Unearthly:

(Tor in a jacket and tshirt)
Crow: Look's like Tor Johnson's going for the Don Johnson look.

Tor: Time for go ta bed.
Joel: Well said.

Any of the Jedrow/Jethro jokes - "Jethro wants to be a rock star! Heh heh!"

(Dr. Conway looks at his latest failure)
Servo (as Carradine): Oh no, she looks like me.

(Conway uses a convenient foot switch to kill the lights and escape)
Servo: How often is he going to need a button like that?
Joel: I have an espresso machine. I don't use it much, but it's nice to have.

From "The Lost Continent."  I don't recall it exactly but it went a little like this.  Mind you, there's a long scene with little dialouge and much rock climbing:

Joel: "Rock climbing."
Crow: "Rock climbing."
Tom Servo: "More rock climbing."
Joel: "Looks like we're in for a long one boys.  Sit tight."
Crow: "This is just tedious at this point.  You think the scene's over and they just forgot to turn off the camera, or are they just messing with us?"
Servo: "Rock climbing."

More CAVE DWELLERS

[During the battle with invisible men]
TOM: Hey, why don't you pick on someone your own opacity?

[The villain appears to be admiring Ator's pecs as he threatens him]
CROW: Tits all over... I mean, it's all over, Ator!  I know we've been breast friends, I mean best friends!

[Villain is dying]
CROW: Give my mustache to... Trevor!

From the "Radar Men from the Moon" Ep 2 "Molten Terror" (THE MAD MONSTER was the movie), Commander Cody twiddles the knobs on his jet pack to fly.  Said knobs are on his chest.

One of the bots:  "Nipple tweak, and WEEE'RE OFFF"

We repeat that line whenever we take a trip....pulling out of the driveway, I saw the first part and my wife says the second.  Since we've had children, the children now say it...but my daughter always heard "Nipple tweak" as "Double Tweak," so that's become the catch phrase.

From THE REBEL SET, repeated line by Servo and Crow together:

"THAT'S NOT MERRITT STONE!"

from THE GIRL IN LOVER'S LANE:

(singing along with the opening credits music)
Tom: The Girl in Lover's Lane...
Crow: With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLaine,
Joel: And lots of other actors, there's no time to name....
Crow: With screenplay by Joe Heims that's pretty lame.
Tom: The entire crew..feels a sense of shame -
        If only they'd had half a brain,
        They could attain...a measure of fame,
        From a film like Shane,
        But no...to their disdain,
        The Girl In Lover's Lane!

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

Martian: They sit in front of that video tube watching those silly Earth programs all day.  It confuses them!
TOM: Especially "Twin Peaks."

Santa: Pills for dinner?
CROW: What are we, Judy Garland?

Martian woman: You've got to send those children back.
Martian man: Impossible!
JOEL: I lost the receipt!

Martian kid: Something's wrong.  The doll has a teddy bear head and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
JOEL (as Santa): No problem, we'll give 'em to dyslexic kids.

 :buggedout: :buggedout: No thanks.  :wink:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

It's all he had for you.  You have to remember, this was set way back at the dawn of time--before the invention of underpants.

 :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:

I think this is from Fugitive Alien:

Crow: "We can't fight them but we can confuse the heck out of them."  :teddyr: :teddyr:

Gamera vs. Guiron

Little Girl: Hello Kon-chan.
Joel: Cornjob?

Joel: Gamera's going to need an emission test, pronto.

Tom & Akio: Let's go to the Earth together.
Joel: We'll have the hottest prom dates of all.

(Akio wakes up with his head shaved)
Tom: Those girls are cannibals.
Joel: They ate my hair?

Crow: What is his obsession with traffic accidents?!

And the Bike Song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peu2Yxwuh28

THE GIANT GILA MONSTER

JOEL (as the Gila Monster): Hey, don't drink that!  That's my urine!  I don't even do that!

[Train crashes, followed by a shot of Gila Monster crawling]
JOEL (as Gila Monster): I just know I'm going to get blamed for this and I wasn't even close!

[Hero is singing an obnoxious folk song to crippled girl who's looking on rapturously...]
JOEL: She's trying to wish him into a cornfield now.

Well since it happened...

From The Giant Spider Invasion:

All: Packers won the Superbowl!  Whoo!

From The Final Sacrifice

Pipper: "What de hell are you doin' here?"
One of the bots: "We're eating your FOOD!   
                         

Ha! That one ran through my mind on Sunday, too.

From "Zombie Nightmare." Jimbo (to Twist 'n Crem'e waitress): You'll never find any better in this town babe. Tom Servo: No town's that small.

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE

JOEL: Gramps, I bought that NyQuil for colds, not for you to make NyQuiladas. 

TOM: Menopause can feel like a speeding car chase.

From the same episode: Tom as Grandpa singing the theme to The New Zoo Revue under his breath.

Final Sacrifice was not only my very first episode, but the only I've watched four times and still makes me laugh (the rest I can only watch once). No favorite riffs in particular, just ANY time the guys make fun of you-know-who's beautiful name.

I love they're digs at Canadian culture in "Final Sacrifice." Like this one: "We enjoy the music of your Rush." I love all things Canadian!

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:

(Fingal arrives at "The Place")
Mike: Formerly That Other Place.
Servo: They hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and that was the name they came up with.

Fingal: Go to work?
Crow: But I'm an actor.

Apollonia: It was the only way we'd be able to find him when we were ready to put him back in his own body.
Mike (as Steven Tyler): ARE YOU READY TO PUT HIM BACK IN HIS OWN BODY!?

(Fingal, played by Raul Julia, encounters his dead mother, who is blonde and fair)
Fingal: Mom, what are you doing here?
Servo: And why aren't you Puerto Rican?

(Fingal eats his mom's soup)
Servo: Yum, Swedish Puerto Rican cooking.

And any of their remarks as the blustery, morbidly obese chairman of Novacorp.
Best one:
Mike: I want more butter on my ham!

Crow: So, Rowsdower... Is that a stupid name, or...?

Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Crow: They worship blue oysters.
Rowsdower: Their race once ruled this land.
Mike: They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew.

Everything in Final Justice is gold.  :thumbup:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

THE SCREAMING SKULL:
(A wreath of roses is shown behind a casket)
Mike: Looks like a dead person won the Kentucky Derby.

(Car pulls up near husband and wife, reverend and wife approach)
Reverend Snow (toting basket): We stopped by to meet your new wife!
Crow: And you forgot your baby!

(Wife throws a skull out a window)
Tom: Alas, poor Yorick; she threw him well.

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank:

Servo: Mike, did I imagine it, or did a chubby angel with gin blossoms just visit us?

(Fingal arrives at Nirvana Village)
Receptionist: Ident!
Mike: That's a shame. Maybe you need a polyvinyl coating.

Psychist: Prophylactic rehab, Fingal.
Mike: They're going to retread his condom?

And any riff on the over-the-top Peter Lorre character.

Crow: Who’s he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? James Cagney? No wait, John Kenneth Gailbraith! Ram Dass! Terry ‘Hulk’ Hogan?

Crow: Thank you, Floyd the pervert.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES

Guy who's about to be shot by Dave for fooling around with his wife: "Don't get riled, Dave..."
JOEL (as Dave): "Just advancin' the plot, nothing personal."

Steve: "Mike and I had a chance to fool around with some frogman equipment captured from the Italian navy..."
CROW: "Then we moved on to showgirl costumes."

JOEL: "Oh, take me to the mushroom palace, sweet friend booze!"

Gumby in Robot Rumpus - I love this short. There are so many funny lines, I might as well just post the whole thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M4_XZ3FLHw
"Thank goodness for the internal genitalia."

"That squares my breasts!"

"So Gumbo just goes to work starkers?"

"Oh boy, crackers! Maybe we can even have white rice!"

And Servo's horror at the robot dismemberment. "They hung his head! This is worse than Seven!"

THE KILLER SHREWS

[The cast discovers a killer shrew in the basement]
JOEL: Honey, I think we got puppets down here.
CROW: Hand puppets?
JOEL: Yeah, they're under the stairs, so I don't think they're marionettes.

from PARTS

"Do you cry a lot, Clone Daddy?"

"Huge lamps of the 70s, tonight on BIOGRAPHY!"

(Keenan Ivory Wynn steps outside to find clone-boy sprawled in the garbage)
Servo (as Wynn) "Are you one of them preverts?"



from BOGGY CREEK 2

(during the opening football game)
Mike (as football player) "The cheerleaders suggest that we go!"
Crow: "I'm going!  The cheerleaders' plan is working!"

"Century 21 Calling" (short)

TOM: C'mon, let's go grope that Eskimo!

"A Case of Spring Fever"

CROW: Where does Coily fit into God's plan for us?

APPRECIATING YOUR PARENTS:
Narrator: Tommy likes to be with his parents, and this evening is a little special.  For it's the day for Tommy to receive his allowance. (dad hands him money)
Crow: Here's a penny.  Happy Birthday.

Narrator (describing Mom's daily routine): She cleared the table, washed the dishes and put the food away.  And made everything spic and span.
Joel: While suppressing her own dreams..

Narrator (as Tommy plays football with friends): And he knows that to have a good game, you must all work together.
Crow: And take steroids!
Narrator: And everyone must do their share.
Servo: Or have a rich dad.

A DATE WITH YOUR FAMILY:

Servo (upon seeing the title card): The Woody Allen story!

Narrator: This boy and girl coming home from school seem pretty content with life.
Crow: They're high!

(Older brother runs into younger brother)
Narrator: Hello there!
Servo: Who are you?

Narrator (describing the family's table-seating etiquette): Brother seats junior.
Crow: Daughter obsesses with the flowers!
Narrator: Then helps mother with her chair as he would his best girl.
Mike: The less said about this, the better.

Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.  I said, pleasantly, for that is the key note at dinnertime.  It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow: Emotions are for ethnic people.

Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess, in this case, Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!

Narrator: Mother and Father guide the converstaional trend if they desire.  After all, they made all this possible.  And they want to talk over their day with each other.
(Camera on Father)
Crow: I'm moving to Fire Island, dear.

The Final Sacrifice

Joel: "Oh, he exploded before they could shoot him."

[Bharbara Egan's credit appears onscreen]

Joel: "That's an illegal use of a silent consonant."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

 :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

The Final Sacrifice:
(http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5093/5488549593_74e8c0d7c7.jpg)
"Hi! I'm Billy the Building!"

From Mystery Science Theater The Movie:

Tom: "Why did they put the toilet in the middle of the room?"  :teddyr:

From the movie:

(Flying saucer speeding through the atmosphere in flames)
Servo: Nothing to see here. Just a weather balloon. Just some swamp gas.

(In Meecham's laboratory)

Crow: The secret government Eggo project.

Mike: My waffle! Oh, the humanity!

Cal: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Servo: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.

(Characters inside the vapour-filled conversion tubes)
Crow: Must be like they're inside a bong.

Servo: Cal and Exeter wake and bake every day!

Mike: Ew, I saw Cal's pubic bone!

HERCULES UNCHAINED

Narrator: This is the land of Attica...
ALL: Attica!  Attica!  Attica!

Iole (gets out lute): Let me play a song for you, Hercules.
CROW: [hums the opening riff from "Smoke on the Water"]

[Villain laughs wickedly as he tosses innocent townsfolk off a wall to their death]
TOM: That wasn't really funny, must be some kind of Greek observational humor.

The Final Sacrifice:

Pipper: It's a symbol of good. It will mean the end of Satoris' power.
Mike: And if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

The opening credits of The Day the Earth Froze.

Crow: It was just like the winter of '75, when it got down to forty below.
Joel: Oh yeah, but when you consider the wind chill, then it's about a hundred below.
Servo: Oh yeah, and you know, it was a good thing I had the snowmobile suit for to go over by Evelyn's house.
Joel and Crow: Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah.
Crow: It was so ding-dang cold I'd go outside and the stuff in my nose'd just freeze right up.

THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN

[Chaney Jr. puts on a jacket]
JOEL: Oh, he's indestructible, but he still needs a light wrap.

[A body has just fallen into the street and a crowd gathers]
TOM (as an Irish cop): Alright, gather round everybody, lots to see, show’s just startin'.

[After the Chaney Jr. is killed]
TOM: You know, maybe he wasn't the title character.  Maybe someone else was the Indestructible Man?

HERCULES AGAINST THE MOON MEN

[Old guy is leading Herc through hidden passages]
TOM: Oh, it's not hard to find once you know your way around and of course... [suddenly spikes spring out from the wall, impaling him] Ow!  I forgot I had that put in!

[The princess is displaying her ample cleavage]
TOM: This movie comes equipped with its own airbags. 

[Herc has been pretending he's in love with the evil Queen]
Queen: I gave them Bilas...
CROW (as Herc): Jeez, I wonder what you gave me!

But the biggest laugh of the episode...

[Coming out of nowhere, one of the moon monsters sticks his fist out and hits Herc in the face, knocking him to the ground]
ALL:  Yay! (applause)

the sun is blotted out as Joe Don Baker approaches - Final Justice

Red Zone Cuba, during John Carradine's singing of Night Train to Mundo Fine:

Mike: Oh, to be blessed with an instrument like that.

Mike (as Carradine): Ho now, I'm rocking!

Servo (as Carradine): Get down now, boogie man! Play that funky music!

Mike (singing along): Drink Night Train, go to the basketball game. Throw up under the bleachers....

My favorite is one where they are skewering an old 50's "how to behave" movie. Here they show a good 1950's family (father, mother, kid boy, teenage girl) sitting down for dinner in the showthe narrator says "Before dinner is not the time to reveal shocking news and keep conversation pleasent and light as shocking news at this time is bad for digestion." Crow replies *as the girl* "Daddy I'm dating a negro boy at school". I love this one as well as their treatment of "Your Hired 2" and other 1950's instructional movies.

I would pick something from Mitchell but almost all the good lines from this one are already here. It is by far the most classic of classic MST3K.

"Hired 2" is hillarious. One of the best shorts. I also loved the one about the stupid teen couple getting married. The marriage expert kept talking about the "Ka-Boing.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iqLhdInGrk

 :cheers:

Joel: OK, we're going to have teamwork the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves!

General Hospital Short

TOM: Jeez, it's the dark nurse of the soul!
CROW: Here comes Nurseferatu!

MANHUNT IN SPACE

[Commenting on a the appearance of a planet seen on a viewscreen]
TOM: Look, its the MST3K logo!
JOEL: Shh, you're not supposed to know about that.
TOM: Oh... [whistles]

Stranded space pilot: "It's like a million to one shot we'll ever be seen."
CROW: Oh, they're on Comedy Central.

More Final Sacrifice:

Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Troy: How do you know?
Rowsdower: I've been around, kid.
Crow: And I've been a square kid.

TORMENTED

CROW: Of all the lighthouses in the world, she had to fall off mine.

[Tom Stewart sits at the piano to practice]

TOM (singing): I'm gonna kill me a girlfriend, and marry the girl I need,
Gonna kill me a girlfriend, she'll turn into seaweed.
It's the blues she'll be singing, 'cause of my dirty deed.

[Blind woman reaches top of lighthouse]

CROW: Hey, I can't see my house from here!

The Castle of Fu Manchu - Servo sings the theme.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yi-cCCys6Z4

THE BEATNIKS

[Eddie is crooning]
CROW: Boy, beatnik music is really square.

Eddie (singing): Love wears a mask...
TOM (singing along): A tight leather mask...

[Mooney stabs Mr. Bayliss]
JOEL: Isn't that interesting, he took 10% out of the agent.

[Mooney shoots Iris]
JOEL: They shoot horse-faces, don't they?

Wish they would do Frozen, Paranormal Activity was hilarious

Not a riff, but something you might find amusing. I made up a sample baseball uniform to show customers, and photographed it for a newspaper ad I ran. Didn't want to use my own name, or the name of anybody I knew, so....
(http://village.townofsundridge.com/images/dscf9657.jpg)

 :teddyr: :teddyr: I would pay good money to wear that shirt.  :thumbup:

My contribution:

Tom Servo: Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen?
Glen the amazing collosal man: Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second. [picks up a cow and eats it] < < < < < < < <  :buggedout: :buggedout:

A Day at the Fair (short)

CROW: "Jiminy, thinks Johnny, if only I could get a ride in one of those!

(http://images7.cpcache.com/product/159165097v7_480x480_Front.jpg)


MONSTER A-GO GO

TOM: Douglas was pear-shaped, very short, and stood the whole way.

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics.
TOM: Ooops.

TOM: This was only a test. Had this been an actual movie, you’d have been entertained.

Jack Frost
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68lii7CUdFw

Some of the riffs:

"Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear."
"Am I un-BEAR-able?"
"Curse you and your bucket full of Rogaine."
"Ewww, Salmon breath."

There's another one I like, earlier in the film not seen in this video, where Mike points out:
"Well, looks like a plot point is the knitting of socks, so it looks like we're in for a fun ride, boys."

The beginning of The Final Sacrifice, where Satoris does nothing but grin at the masked Rowsdower.

Mike: You brought the face mask, you nut.

Crow: I think the movie's going really well.

Servo: I don't know, I'm just happy.

From PARTS:

Richard: I found something in the river I think might be from America
Professor Dick Sargent: In the river? What is it?
Crow: It's a Gambino.

"Hired Part 1 short"

CROW (pretending to read a dossier on the new salesman): "...AKA the 'pantsless salesman... or the 'piddling peddler'!"

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER

JOEL: "I thought being killed by an octopus was supposed to be a peaceful death?"

Lugosi: "I will create a race of atomic supermen who will conquer the world!"
JOEL: "Anyway, that's my dream, how about you?"

JOEL: "You know, that's not something you see everyday---a Bela Lugosi stand-in carrying a lady in a wedding dress."

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. Hard to actually repeat it all here, but I love when a musical number starts and the guys sing something that fits the music perfectly, such as The Little Drummer Boy, Silent Night, Harper Valley PTA and others. And also during the romantic solo performance, when they sing along with random lines from other songs.

Starting at about 5:10
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pO5enljdmNg
Crow gets the best lines here.
"Livin' on reds, vitamin C and cocaine."
"I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree."
"My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon."
 :bouncegiggle:

Hired, Part II

JOEL: "We’re gonna have leadership the way my old man taught me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves!"

MANOS

TOM: "So what are we, about a half-hour into the movie?"
JOEL: "No, about a minute."
TOM: "Huh."

CROW: "This is going to turn into a snuff film, isn't it Joel?"

JOEL: "Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph."

The Incredibly Strange Creatures....

Mike: And Joan Collins is checked into the boards.

Sidehackers:

J.C.: We'll see what kind of game he's playing.
Servo: Othello? Hungry Hungry Hippos? Chutes and Ladders? Candyland maybe.

The Beast of Yucca Flats
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5xqLqZkIOQ&feature=related

"Heh, Tor Johnson as the Beast? That's just smart casting."
"I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler."

WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD

[The opening image is blurry from the heat rising off the asphalt highway]
JOEL: You know, it's not so much the apocalypse, it's the humidity.

[Motorcyclist goes up in flames]
JOEL: Another Buddhist protesting the helmet laws.

[Megaweapon is crushing the hero's annoying talking motorcycle under his wheel]
ALL: MEG-A-WEAPON! MEG-A-WEAPON!
TOM: Make it last, Megaweapon...

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Just saw that on NetFlix and I was going to post the video. Good stuff!

Sidehackers:

(Rommel has a phony-looking blood smear on his cheek)
Servo: Uh, you got a little...
Crow: Looks like that jelly doughnut got away on him.

Posture Pals:

Narrator: Shoulders back, arms are easy at the sides, look straight ahead...
Joel: And you truck like the doodah man.
Servo: Oh, got your chips cashed in.

(Ms. Martin walks straight ahead, turns and walks back)
Servo: Here she reenacts her first DUI.

Narrator: She shows them the importance of good foot position.
Joel: Uh, Ms. Martin has a little too much free time on her hands.

(On seeing a poorly-drawn leaning house on the blackboard)
Joel: Miss Martin! Tommy drew a bong!

Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy when Jimmy stands off balance.
Crow: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.

Crow: Mom's dress matches the wallpaper!

Narrator: Jane's father has a way of reminding Jane when she forgets.
Servo: All right, honey, I'm gonna kill this tree if you don't stand straight.
Narrator: A young plant shouldn't be bent like that.
Joel: Then stop doing it!

(Boy's silhouette walks onscreen)
Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock.
Servo: After Slim Fast.

SWAMP DIAMONDS

["Touch" Conners' girlfriend has fallen into the swamp, where an alligator approaches.  It's very obvious the actress was filmed in a swimming pool nowhere near the action.]

Girl [splashing]: Help!
TOM: Just stand up, your in the shallow end!
["Touch" Conners rips off his shirt and dives in the water after her]
CROW: Wait, how's he going to get to the pool where she is?

TOM: Wouldn't it be funny if they just turned out to be swamp cubic zirconias?

i'm just gonna post the whole thing, one of my favorite shorts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=id4CvoKDTR0

Crow: This man is wearing a pushup bra; now he is pleasing!  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

SECRET AGENT SUPER DRAGON

Super Dragon (calling home base): "It's Super Dragon."
JOEL: "Super Dragon who?"

Villain (threateningly): "It would be a shame to have to put you in our tub."
TOM: "For you see, the Mr. Bubble may give you a urinary infection."

[Super Dragon reacts as the girl he was kissing dies in his arms]
JOEL: "I could still hug her, that's not weird, is it?"

The Final Sacrifice

"Know him, he tastes great!!!!!!!!"  :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:

More from The Final Sacrifice:

[Rowsdower wakes up screaming] "I forgot the liquor stores close at seven!"* :teddyr:

Crow: "I can see why Quebec wants to be separate from all this."  :teddyr:

[Troy is hiding and one of the Ziox walks by] Mike: "Sir: you have a hole in your shoe.....oops.."  :teddyr:

* I don't know who said this.

Crow: If it's any consolation, I hates that rabbit too.

Yet even more from The Final Sacrifice.

All 3 of them at one point or another "Seven years later."

EEGAH

[Roxy has nearly crashed into Eegah.  He approaches the car, dragging his club, to "exchange insurance information"]
FORGOT WHO: Oh, I'm driving a stick too!

Roxy [to her dad]: "How about I give you a shave?"
CROW: I know it's weird, but I'm into weird.

[Eegah reaches out to touch Roxy's hair]
JOEL: Oh, no! He's gone to the Torgo school of fondling!

And of course, "Watch out for snakes!" at every opportunity.

And my 8 year old niece watched a whole episode for the 2nd time in her life.  When they showed Eegah's family, she riffed, "So why are they all covered in brown mustard?"  :bouncegiggle:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

One of them says "Seven years after the credits?"  :teddyr: :teddyr:

When Pipper is telling the story of the Xiox, and Servo is saying "Uh huh... No they weren't... No they didn't... No it wasn't..."

From Eegah!, I don't remember who said it, it was damn funny.

"When did this become The Third Man?"

From Laserblast: the ending credits where they really lay into Leonard Maltin for giving it 2 stars.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G66MIfTRT1k

Earth vs. the Spider:

(Eerie music plays as hero and heroine explore the cave)
Servo: I know that theremin is around here somewhere.

Sheriff: Get that DDT in here quick.
Joel: PDQ, ASAP, you SOB.

(Spider attacks a deputy who resembles Josh Weinstein)
Joel: No! Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him.

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS

There really are a wealth of great lines in this one, and lots of them are running jokes: jokes about accusing your parents, about Jimmy winning the essay contest, the duck in the hallway that keeps quacking every time someone opens the door...

[Singing along to the haunting theme song]
TOM: They laughed when I accused my parents, and I killed them/Let's see if they'll be laughing now!

Kitty: I never had a mother myself, at least not one I can remember.
TOM: I was torn from the thigh of Zeus.

[Kitty's looking distraught after being forced to break up with Jimmy]
TOM: If I had parents, I'd accuse them now!

Judge: That sentence is hereby suspended, and you're remanded to the custody of your parents.
JOEL: Thank God I'm white!

Essay contest riffs:

Kitty: Jimmy's so sweet, the kind of guy every girl dreams of!
JOEL: He won an essay contest, you know!

CROW: He's taken to selling his essays on the street.

[Jimmy gets beaten up by mobsters]
TOM: This is a message from the other kids in the essay contest!

JOEL: Mom, dad, I won the 'get the crap kicked out of you' contest!

More THE GIRL IN LOVERS LANE

JOEL: This is a great date, I always wanted to be nuzzled by a hobo.

[Big Stupid and wimpy kid have just been in a fight where Big did most of the work]
TOM (as wimpy kid): How about that guy I groined in the knee?

[Jack Elam is standing nervously in front of a lynch mob]
CROW: I'm trying to look at no one and I'm looking at everyone!

The Deadly Mantis:

(Hero and girl kissing in the car; she suggests it's time to go)
Crow: But I got a mantis in my pantis.

The Beast of Yucca Flats

Crow: Whatever you do, don't look in the camera!

GUNSLINGER

Kane (flirtatiously): What do you do nights?
TOM: Oh, I rut like a crazed weasel, you?

Kane: The good die first.
TOM: But most people are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

[Wormy guy shoots Pony Express courier]
TOM: Hey, that's a change, someone shooting a postal worker!

MITCHELL

[The 'exciting' car chase]

CROW: Hot merging action!
JOEL: Oh goodness, they merged successfully, my heart was in my throat.
TOM: Jeez, these guys couldn't shake a trolley.
JOEL: Next week on "Mitchell": the cloverleaf. 

THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE

Jan in the Pan: Let me die...
CROW: After you've cleaned your room.

[At the beauty contest]
MIKE: Contestant #3 slipped and her head fell off.
TOM: I'll take her, I'll take her!

Jan in the Pan: Can your horror match mine?
TOM (in game show host voice):We'll find out on 'Match That Horror'!

Of course, the funniest scene in the movie needs no riffing.  It's when the assistant with the deformed hand gets his good arm ripped off, then decides to go upstairs to die, repeatedly slamming his bloody stump against the wall and dragging it painfully so the blood smears along the way.  I submit that this is actually the last thing a normal person would want to do after their arm had just been torn out of the socket.  That death scene cracks me up every time.

"Is It Love?" short

[The parents ask the girl to tell them what her new fiance is like]
MIKE: Well, he's good in the sack, and he likes to get high.

[During the closing credits the gang lists other educational hygiene films in the series]
MIKE: "Know Your Ointments"
TOM: "What's That Down There?"
CROW: "When He Wants It Rough"
MIKE: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
TOM:  "Oh No!  Pleasure!"

TEEN-AGE STRANGLER

Dad (angrily): That's your job as a cop!
Cop: And what's your job as a parent?
TOM: Are you as turned on as I am?

[Little Mikey rings the doorbell with a message for the girlfriend]
CROW: Pansygram!
TOM: Mistress Aiyeesha, I'm here for my beating.

"Cheating" short:

CROW (reading credits): "Cheating - A Centron Production.  Though we stole the idea from another company."

BEGINNING OF THE END

[Title comes on screen]
MIKE: Beginning of the end, already?  It just started!

[Deaf/mute raises his arms as a giant grasshopper's about to eat him]
MIKE: He's signing "aaah!"

[Soldier rips a message off the teletype and looks it over]
CROW: Dear Abby. I'm an elderly woman who doesn't enjoy se... whoa, this came to the wrong place!

THE ATOMIC BRAIN

Bea: Miss, pardon me...
MIKE: Could you tell me where my accent's from?

[Victim is shown to her room]
CROW: Excuse me, there's a dog brain in my toilet!

[Suggesting a title for the strangely avant-garde theme music...]
MIKE: Prelude to the Afternoon of a Sexually Aroused Gas Mask.

Also from The Atomic Brain:

Crow (as monster): Boss, was I a mistake like the man said?
Mike: No, you were a little miracle.

The Selling Wizard

Narrator: These glass front merchandising cabinets meet your individual needs...
TOM: What if I need love?

THE DEAD TALK BACK

Krasker: Have you been hearing some wild things recently...
TOM: About Chuck Berry?
Krasker: ...about telepathy...
CROW: I knew you were going to say that!
Krasker: ...the fourth dimension...
TOM: Or Marilyn McCoo?
Krasker: ...or ghosts?
MIKE: No, doesn't ring a bell, we must have the wrong movie.

Detective: Henry, I've known you a long time...
MIKE: You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.

The Final Sacrifice:

[Rowsdower is in great pain]

Troy: :"What's wrong?"
["Let me die first, then I'll tell you."]  :teddyr:

From The Atomic Brain:

*the old woman gets out of her wheelchair*

"Mein Führer I can walk!"  :bouncegiggle:

From Werewolf.....


(Security guard drives away while transforming)
"I hope he remembers to crack a window for himself."
"He's probably sticking his head out the window, jumping around his own car."
"An American werewolf in traffic."
"Those caribou don't stand a chance, now that I'm driving."

(Werewolf drives past the same gas station repeatedly)
Mike: "What? Is he stalking the weakest gas station?"

From The Final Sacrifice:

Tom: "Ahh, me, I don't give a flying dutchman about this production."  :teddyr:

Mike: "I understand everything up to the letter A."  :teddyr:

Tom: "Yay! The movie's closed because of snow!"  :teddyr:

Mike: "Don't worry about me boss: the hair on my back keeps me warm."  :tongueout:

From Prince of Space:

Guy on screen in a very crowded room: "Good morning, gentlemen."
["Welcome to my grandma's living room!"]  :teddyr:

Century 21 Calling:

Mike: They want their gold jacket back.

Singer: In a needle up high, you can look through the eye, and you're seeing it all...
Crow (singing along): At the Annie Sprinkle show.

THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS

TOM: This movie stops at nothing.  And stays there.

[During a silent patch...]
TOM: Now would be a great time for some phrases... 'a woman's purse'... 'flag on the moon'.... 'a man murdered'... I'll check back later.

[Innocent man stumbles around after being shot from a plane]
CROW: I'm sick... I'm dying... and yet, I have a taste for nachos!

MITCHELL

[Martin Balsam gets up off the park bench]
Joel: "Well, time for my stiffaerobics class."  :teddyr:

[Maximum close-up on Harold Stone]
Joel: "I'm almost Anthony Quinn."  :smile:

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

More Mitchell:

[car door slams off screen]
Tom: [looks off to the right] "What was that?"
[car door slams on screen]
Joel: "Oh."

[Bad guy goons check each other out]
Tom: "Nice cap."

 :teddyr:

Mitchell:

(Merlin Olsen looks out the window at Mitchell in his car)
Tom: He's down. I think I'll send him a Pick Me Up Bouquet.

Once Upon a Honeymoon

[Title comes on screen]
TOM: Oh, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex!

NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST

Scientist: Better to stalk it than have it come after us.
TOM: Yeah, that's my dating philosophy.

[Character stumbles walking down a hill]
MIKE: Oh, blood beast scat, careful!

This website's good meds work again! I was in a hell of a rage at work until I read this.  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

from ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE:

during opening credits,
Crow: Tia Carerre?  We might have to pay attention!

Penguin/Medical Examiner: You are looking for one very large, angry individual.
Mike (plaintively): Maybe I am looking for someone like that, but, I don't know if I'll ever find him.

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES...

[During the "strip" show]
MIKE [in a "wink-wink" voice]: You know what I'm looking at?  That exit sign.

[During the "spiral hypnosis" scene]
CROW: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of crap.

MIKE: Western zombie music: a short-lived fad.

Bonus points: at one point the movie shows us a scary looking clown and Mike says, "Good old fashioned nightmare fuel."  I'm not sure if this is the first time anyone ever used the phrase "nightmare fuel" or not, but if it is, it's a classic moment in pop culture.  (Otherwise, it's just a throwaway line).

Also from Incredibly Strange Creatures:

[Shirtless protagonist sleeping restlessly]
Mike: Nipples too small, too dark and upsetting!

[During hypnosis]
Tom: You will be Nicolas Caaaage.

JACK FROST

Father Frost: Any living creature who touches my Scepter of Frost will never awaken again.
CROW: Admittedly, it's a design flaw.

TOM: Apparently, there's no Finnish word for 'subtle.'

[Sleigh ride honeymoon scene]
TOM: Metaphorically, I think the suggestion is that marriage is a dizzying, mad, existential ride to nowhere.
MIKE: Or, niceness is fun.

From MANHUNT IN SPACE:

Cheap looking planet effect on screen
Servo: "Look, it's the MST3K logo!"
Joel (whispers): "We're not supposed to know about that."

Rocky: "I'm sure we're in an area our enemies don't want us to search."
Servo: "Yes, it's a dark, forbidden area, full of secrets and shame."


Servo: "Joel, which ship is theirs, the phallic one or the phallic one?"


Rocky: "Oh, Winky -"
Winky: "Yeah Rocky?"
Crow: "Jettison Bobby."

Rocky: "Safety belts, everyone."
Joel: "Except you, Bobby."
Crow: "Bobby been getting to you?  You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
Servo: "Yeah I've got a headache this big and it's got 'Bobby' written all over it."

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Reminds me of the ominous question in Robocop: "Can you fly, Bobby?"  :buggedout: :wink:

I'm looking for an MST3K episode but I can't remember the movie title. It was directed by Ed Wood and it was NOT the Sinister Urge (Which he wrote, actually).

Either BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (Ed was director) or THE VIOLENT YEARS (Ed was screenwriter).  I don't believe they did any other Ed movies besides those 3.

Yeah, that's it. The Violent Years. Thanks.

DEVIL DOLL

CROW [as scantily clad ventriloquists assistant during "tense" scene]: He's dying out there, I'll go out and flash a cheek.

Vorelli: But you haven't finished your drink.
CROW: Drink the Blood of the Virgin!  Or am I being creepy?

TOM: I tell ya, you only rent ham.

DEVIL FISH

[When the title flashes]
MIKE: Our special tonight is Devil Fish with Satanic string beans and deep-Lucifered potatoes.

[Another incompetent montage]
TOM: Just because you can edit doesn't mean you should.

[The emaciated heroine is running towards the camera in a one-piece bathing suit]
MIKE: Blake Edwards' ".10".

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:

The laughing scene during the end credits is pretty funny too: been a while since I saw Tom bounce up and down like that.  :smile:

"Mr. B-Natural"

JOEL: Mr. B, you're hot!

[Buzz has an awkward social interaction]
JOEL:  That hurt, I'm all messed up inside, if only an androgynous man would come and visit me!

[Singing along at the school dance]
ALL: "We're white, we're white, we're really really white..."

"X Marks the Spot"

Guardian Angel: After that, I never had any problems with Joe around schools. He'd crawl by at a snail's pace.
TOM: Nursing homes, though, whoah!
Guardian Angel: See, Your Honor, Joe had two kids of his own at that school.
CROW: And if his wife ever found out...

"Design for Dreaming"

Crazy singing dreaming consumer lady: I want a Pontiac too!
MIKE: She is a high-maintenance date!

TOM: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central/South America.

from the short WHAT TO DO ON A DATE

Narrator: "This story begins with Jeff - and Kay -"
Joel: "- and a human ear."

Jeff flips through Nick's notebook, sees Kay's phone number and does a stagey double take.
Tom: "My God! Kay's been missing since last February!!"
Jeff: "Hey why don't you ask Kay to come to the scavenger sale?"
Crow (as Nick): "YOU LOOKED IN MY BOOK DIDN'T YOU?!?!?!"


Nick begins to phone Kay.
Crow: "With every dial he comes closer to the most humiliating moment of his life."

Nick is pondering the events calendar.
Narrator: "Perhaps a weenie roast -"
Trio: "NOOOOOO!!!!"

ROBOT MONSTER

[The heavily-accented scientist is performing a post-apocalyptic wedding.]
SCIENTIST: Lord, you know I am not trained for this job...
CROW: Acting?

[Tom seems taken with Alice, the buxom heroine.]

Square jawed hero, to Alice: You're so bossy you ought to be milked before you come home at night!
TOM: Dibs!

RO-MAN: I want to see the girl, Al-ice, again.
[Alice's face appears on the viewscreen]
TOM: OK, now tilt the camera down...

Angel's Revenge:

(Keiko finishes up karate class to young students; they bow as a gong plays)
Mike (singing): La Choy makes Chinese food.

(The women approach a wire fence with wire cutters as military-like music plays in the background)
Mike: Kelly LeBrock's Heroes!

(2 of the women approach an enemy fort)
Tom: "I found the greatest shampoo; it's called Body On Tap!  Well, Herbal Essence is good too but-- oh wait, I'll tell you about it after we kill these guys."

(A little kid comes up to Sticks, the drug pusher)
Crow: "I'd like a drug, please?"

(Various plastic-wrapped articles fall out of Stick's pockets as the youth frisks his unconscious body for money)
Mike: He's a Smarties dealer!

Gamera vs Guiron  :twirl:

PROJECT MOONBASE

Heavyset reporter: I wonder, General---could I arrange to go there---to the space station?
JOEL: There's a little problem of escape velocity.

[Combatants are wrestling in "zero gravity"]
CROW: This is low impact aerobics.
TOM: It's low impact filmmaking, too.

Hero (brandishing gun): And remember, one false move and you get this!
CROW: Cool! Can I keep it?

Gamera vs. Guiron

Scientist: That's hard to say.
Joel: Seems like it's pretty hard to dub too.

Tomoko: Mother!
Servo: I just killed a man!

(Guiron appears)
Crow: I know, I know. Don't laugh. They made me in a hurry.

THE LOST CONTINENT

CROW [as lab assistant]: Hey Jared, there's something wrong with the stock footage simulator!

CROW: Joel, why are we watching this dull rock climbing sequence?
JOEL: Because it's there.

JOEL: This is just for conversation, but if you were going to eat a human body, where would you start?

CROW: I've plummeted to my death and I can't get up!

from MITCHELL:
Mitchell is tossing Linda in the clink for possession of marijuana:
Linda: "He sleeps with me then busts me."
Crow: "First things first!"

Booking Officer: "Are there any other offenses you want to add?"
Linda: "Yeah.  Being hung up on this guy."
Booking Officer: "That's a mistake lady, not an offense."
Servo: "Didn't do me any good...."

Booking Officer: "Did you really sleep with that girl?"
Mitchell: "Yup!"
Joel: "And I kissed her!  *chortles*


Martin Balsam: "I don't pay for your whores, Mitchell!"
Servo:  "Well, could ya?"

Martin glances out the window, sees Linda writing "JERK" on Mitchell's car, turns back to Mitchell.
Crow: "Word on the street is you're a jerk."




And my favorite moment in the whole series, from FINAL SACRIFICE:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I1n9Q3huw8

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:

Favourite riff from Mitchell is still:

"Oh man, I'm so hungry. Only two steaks for dinner, didn't get to finish my orange and all the frozen yogurt places were closed... Big buttery moon up there... Sidewalk kinda looks like ice cream if you squint hard... Stairs look like cake."

SQUIRM:
(The title appears onscreen)
Mike:  Well, I don't know why but.. okay. (they all shake)

(Southern yokel pops her head out of the window)
Tom: "Well, Billy Joe McAllister jumped off the Talahachee Bridge again.."

(Mick and girlfriend look at the empty worm truck)
Mick: "I didn't let them out."
Roger: "Well if you 'n didn't then who did?"
Mike: N'duh durh n'duh n'duh!

(Mick crawls through a window)
Crow: Woah!  Right into a litterbox!

Mick: "There's three teeth missing from the top of the skull."
Mike: That's everyone from the county.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


 :teddyr: :teddyr:

They really brought their A-game to MITCHELL.

"Huh huh. You can't grow steaks."

"Johnny Mathis?  All right! Get my gun!!"

"Reynolds Wrap!  Keeps freshness in, can't keep Mitchell out!"

"As an actor Merlin Olson hadn't found his instrument yet."

"Mitchell: even his name says 'Is that a beer?'"

"There's a police investigation going on here..."
"Oh, there is? I thought there was just a big slob walking around my house."

KING DINOSAUR

[Stock footage of a sloth]
TOM: I symbolically represent the pace of this film.

[Scientist is washing the body of his wounded buddy]
CROW: Hey, you're spending a lot of time on that one nipple, there.

[Stock footage of a lizard]
JOEL: You think he's working for scale?

From Revenge of the Creature:
Mike: "The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!"

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE:

Tom: "Oh, Motorhead! I have their new collection of Cole Porter tunes!"

Crow: [guy hits something with his bat] "I like the 'ting' sound!"

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

FIRST SPACESHIP ON VENUS

CROW (as returning astronaut): " My one piece of advice: do not have the Venusian Pu-Pu Platter."

from THE MOTION PICTURE (THIS ISLAND EARTH):

Mailman approaches lab door.
Mike: "Sort this, deliver that; I'll make 'em all pay!!!"

Joe (looking at catalog):"Here's something my wife would like to have around the house.."
Servo: "A man?"

from the BODY CARE AND GROOMING short:

Slightly frumpy girl approaches.
Narrator: "Excuse me, we're trying to make a point about beauty and you're not helping things."
Joel (as girl): "Yeah? Well, bite me!"
Narrator: "Look at that hair - "
Crow: "I like her hair."
Narrator: "Look at that blouse - "
Crow (breathing heavily): "Oh, I'm looking, I'm looking!"
Narrator: "You're not exactly the type to make a fellow behave like a human being."
Joel: "You know, to make him grope you and paw at you..."

"Improved" version of girl approaches.
Narrator: "Now look at that hair, that chin, that mouth - "
Servo: "Those....nose!"
Crow (as boy): "I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everyone else!"

CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

Fu's daughter: "Bring them to my father!"
Crow: "And bring me to an orthodontist!"  :smile:

[A cigarette smolders on a table top]
Crow: "Gee, this is the most action we've seen so far!"

[Screen goes dark]
Crow: "Oh, I can't watch this! I mean, I can't SEE this!"  :twirl:

GAMERA

Eskimo: This is the legendary stone...
JOEL: You passed that??

Kenny's teacher: The other kids make fun of him. They think he's strange.
CROW: Kids are perceptive that way.

Professor: I'm forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
TOM: More Gamera movies?

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

A HUGE closeup of Sartoris' HUGE nostrils:

"Oh man: that's not a nose ~ that's a duplex!"  :teddyr:

GAMERA VS. BARUGON

[Barugon appears for the first time]
JOEL: Hi, I'm a juicy new character... Enjoy me! I'm what's known as the complication... the antagonist, if you will. Well, for my first number I'd like to crush a warehouse. It's an old favorite, I think you're going to like it.

[Without comment, the heroine sucks the blood from the hero's wound]
JOEL: You are one spooky chick. Mind if I don't call you?

Professor: Expose the diamond to the infrared ray.
General: Will that do any good?
TOM: No, but it will pad out the film.

SQUIRM:
Roger (to Mick): YOU gonna be da worm-face!
Mike: No, you're gonna be the worm face.  Nyah!

SIDEHACKERS:
[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!

HELLCATS:
Servo (as dazed biker): Violets are blue, roses are red.  I shoot heroin into the side of my head!

INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN:
(Gooey astronaut monster sees a flashback to an earlier scene in a barrel of water and angrily splashes at it)
Servo: Shut up!  Stupid water!

CAVE DWELLERS:
[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies]
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

TIME OF THE APES

[Scientist injects a monkey with a sedative]
JOEL: A little horse for a little monkey.
CROW: He'll have himself on his back!

[During driving scene]
CROW: Hey, you kids behave or I'll turn this plot around!

[Ape shakes hand with human in gesture of inter-species solidarity]
JOEL (as ape): Uh, I'd wash that hand if I were you, that's my throwing hand.

GAMERA VS. GAOS

CROW: Hey, can you get the subplot off the road? We’re trying to kill a monster here.

TOM: Whoa, either I'm spinning, or this is some really good blood here.

Military guy: "The substation's gone!"
TOM: We'll have to go to Shlotsky's.

GAMERA VS. GUIRON

Alien: We call this star Terra.
TOM (whispering): It's a planet.
Alien: It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living, exactly like the Earth with the Sun in between...
Kid 1: So you mean to tell us it's like a twin star.
TOM (louder): It's a planet.
Kid 2: I wondered if there was such a star...
TOM (screaming): IT'S A PLANET!

JOEL: Kids brains always taste better when they've been thinking of doughnuts.

[Men in white lab suits pile out of a van and rush about the scene]
CROW: We're from the padding department, where's the plot hole?

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

Mike (as Moike Pipperrr): "Here's the plan. My army of trained rats will lead the charge and my scabies will protect our flank."  :buggedout: :buggedout: :buggedout: :twirl: :tongueout:

MIGHTY JACK

[Female pauses next to a painting]
TOM: This mirror makes me look like a Modigliani.

[During the battle scene]
CROW: They're using every toy in the box!

Man: Up there! The roof!
TOM: Up yours, you goof!

I've sung this while cooking more often than I'd like to admit....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BysG97B5YM

GAMERA VS. ZIGRA

["Kenny" is introduced]
ALL: Kenny! Noooo!

CROW: Fish argument theater will return after this scene from plot convenience playhouse.

Commander: How is your supply of oygen?
Scientist: Enough for about 50 minutes...
CROW: Wait, I found some more oxygen in a drawer, we'll be OK!

Hercules Unchained:

(Two soldiers with curly red hair are fighting a duel)
Joel: I look like Lucy! No, I look like Lucy!

from MAD MONSTER:

Yokel catches sight of Wolfman Pietro
Tom (singing): Come listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed,
Poor mountaineer barely kept his fam'ly fed,
Then one day he was shootin' at some foooood - "
Joel: "When up from the swamp come a big ugly dude."
Tom: "Wolfman, that is, Big Teeth, Dog Face....
Well, next thing you know ol' Jed's really scared,
The kinfolk said, Jed get away from there!
He said, My cabin is the place I oughta be,
So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family."

Professor: "One day I'll startle the world!"
Crow: "By making an even worse movie."

San Francisco International:

(Dispute between hippy and businessman is settled in hippy's favour)
Mike: The answer, my friend, is blow it out your a$$.

Y'know, SF INTL. is the one episode where my favorite part is actually the host segment.
"URKEL!!!!!"   :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

The Final Sacrifice: Zap, Troy and Moike Pipperr at the table, Pipperr is stuffing his pipe.

Crow: "Another helping of filth for yuh?"  :buggedout:

I mean like WTF?  :buggedout: :teddyr: :teddyr:

For some reason, this cracks me up:

Pipper: Names Mike Pipper
Mike: Pipperrr
Pipper: Yer father and I were partners in archaeology
Mike: Pipper partnerrrs
Pipper: We went on many digs together
Mike: Pipper digs

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

I was watching that exact scene last night: amazing how Ron Anderson can sound just like Dr Teeth or me with a serious constipation problem.  :buggedout: :teddyr:

I Know, I was convinced it was the voice actor for Dr. Teeth the first time I watched it!

"Pipper partners" always cracks me up too.  Also:
Troy (at dad's grave): "What happened to you?"
Mike: "I died!"

From Killer Shrews:

Ann: I'd rather be dull and alive, then.
Thorne: I'll take the dull, alive woman every time.
Servo: I guess the other way would be kind of sick, wouldn't it?

Village of the Giants:

(Beaker blows up on Genius, splatters red on his glasses)
Crow: I blinded me with science!

And the whole running gag with Ron Howard and Willow.

THE FINAL SACRIFICE:

Tom: "Bigfoot for Wrangler Relaxed Fit."  :teddyr:

The Dead Talk Back:

(Renee's body is uncovered)
Servo (singing): Don't rot away Renee...

Murderer: My Dad gave me that crossbow.
Tom: His grandmother knitted it for him.
Murderer: Dad and I used to go hunting together.
Mike: He'd hunt me, and then I'd hunt him. It was a good system.

Krasker: If there is an entity or spirit present in the room, it would be possible through a method known as telekenis (sic), or the moving of objects by thought, to move the vibrator contained in the speaker.
(Sarah watches with interest)
Mike (as Sarah): Mmm, vibrator.

(Wooden stool rises off the floor)
Crow: Yeah, big deal. My stools float.

QUEST FOR THE LOST CITY :wink:

Mike (on picture of Randy Vasseur): "Hey: get this caterpillar off my lip."  :teddyr:

MASTER NINJA I

Narrator: John Phillip McAllister: the only Occidental American man ever to become...
CROW: Miss Japan!
Narrator: ...a ninja.

[Claude Akins is walking away from the camera]
JOEL: Say what you want, Claude Akins has a nice rump.
[Claude Akins turns around]
CROW: You guys talkin' about my butt?

[Timothy van Patten kills villain Clu Gallagher with a throwing star]
JOEL: Good thing he studied with that ninja for ten minutes.
TOM: Now this movie is Clu-less!

Servo's vocal for the Catching Trouble theme is funny, and it actually sounds good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfKxTu4PLWI

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

Tom: "Hey, just don't shoot at me for a couple of minutes, OK? Thanks."  :teddyr:

THE FINAL SAGRIFICE:

Mike: [Rowsdower chucks a full crate off the pickup]: "Can you take these to recycling? Thanks."  :teddyr:

Mike [as Rowsdower]: "I'm about to puke, kid. You might wanna clear out."  :buggedout:

The Sword and the Dragon:

(Kalin's envoy is announced, and a huge fat man is carried in on a litter)
Mike (singing): We got a great big envoy...

CASTLE OF FU MANCHU

CROW: Castle of Fu Manchu: where you eat square hamburgers with chopsticks.

[Extreme closeup of dying scientist]
JOEL: I'm learning a lot more about this guy's nasal hairs than I ever wanted to know.

[An actor's face is covered with cheesy stage blood]
CROW: Jelly doughnut got away from you, huh?

You really had to see it to understand. The lighting is the worst I've ever seen in a move! It changes several times in a scene and frequently turns too dark to see what's going on.

More lighting jokes...

TOM: This is the first color movie that needs to be colorized.

[Screen goes dark again during a surgery scene]
JOEL: This scene's so gross, even the lighting guy left.

from DIABOLIK:

Diabolik starts making out w/Eva in the car
Tom: "and this is just a Good Samaritan he met in the tunnel.'
Crow: "She's a GREAT Samaritan!!"


during fight scene -
Mike (as Diabolik): "I hurl my skinnyness at you!"

Servo (as Diabolik): "Ah-ha! They forgot about my pencil-thin arms!"

Crazy horn music plays on soundtrack.
Mike: "Someone's beating up Doc Severenson!"

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:

(Santa has called it a day, as his finger is tired from pushing buttons)
Dropo: My finger's not tired!
Crow: Look out, nose.

[One thug launches a Chuck Norris type kick at Rowsdower]
Crow: "Balanchine!"

THE FINAL SACRIFICE:

[Troy is staring at the rising city]

Crow: "Somebody reboot the kid."

THE FINAL SACRIFICE:

Tom: [Troy is doodling] "We're just watching someone fritter away their afternoon here."

The Final Sacrifice:

(Pipper gets a horse for Rowsdower)
Crow: Had a hard time saddlin' up the missus today.
Mike: I made ya some trail mix outta rat droppings and hair.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

Crow: "Stick with me Troy and I'll guide you in the ways of alcohol, cigarettes and meat."

The Final Sacrifice:

Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

THE FINAL SACRIFICE:

[Mike tells Crow and Tom that Gypsy will be shutting down the power soon]

"Hey, hey, hey: I know what you're thinking and no looting this time, you understand?"  :teddyr:

The Horror of Party Beach:

Drunk: Hey...
Crow: Do farts have lumps?

DIABOLIK:

Diabolik: Isn’t the 6th your birthday? What would you like me to give you?
Mike: Hmm… Something non-penis.

Manos


 :buggedout: :buggedout:

I was NOT going to type that lot out. No sir.  :buggedout: :wink:

The end credits of Space Mutiny. Servo is hilarious, responding to the song lyrics, then singing along using bits of 80s tunes that all fit the music equally well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzYdUOmxnC4

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Later in that scene, when the car pulls up to the lodge & Mike comes out,
Servo (still talking as girl): "Where's Torgo? We came to see Torgo!"


from THE TRUCK FARMER:

Narrator: "In Texas there is a problem - "
Crow: "Texans."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

I hate to admit it but friends of mine produced that.  :buggedout: :buggedout:

Blood Waters of Dr Z / ZAAT:

[The monster trips over something]

Crow: "Oopsie."  :teddyr:

SPACE MUTINY:

Cameron Mitchell's name appears in the credits
Servo: "Yay!! Wait no....."

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

[Rowsdower guns down two cultists]

Mike: *BANG* Gilles, no! *BANG* Not Etienne!  :teddyr:

Codename: Diamondhead

Basically, the whole running gag of the Ian McShane character being Lovejoy.

He'll always be Swearengen to me.   :teddyr:

BLOOD WATERS OF DOCTOR Z

(Mike tries to dislodge Crow from the cross beams)

Crow: "Ah, my friend the squeegee: I love you!"  :teddyr:

From FINAL SACRIFICE:
Troy & Zap are under the floorboards hiding from the cult thugs.
Crow (as Troy): "Oh, this is no big deal, it's how I get through every school day."

Zap: "Are you okay kid?'
Mike: "Well, I don't have any friends, girls don't like me, my teachers absolutely hate....oh, I mean, yeah, I'm fine."


From OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK:
Servo: "Mike, the comic relief lady is making me very tense."

Apollonia & Fingle are arguing.
Fingle: "It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, because you're definitely not my kind of woman!"
She slaps him.
Crow: "Well, now you are, actually."

BLOOD WATERS OF DOCTOR Z

[A fish or something appears to be expelling gas]

Mike: "Please enjoy a fish anus."  :buggedout: :buggedout:

CRASH OF MOONS

[During a suggestive space docking maneuver...]
TOM: You see, when a spaceship loves a space station very much...

[Vena and Bobby are illustrating dual moon orbits]
TOM: So what would happen if one of the moons sat down and shut up?

Rocky Jones: Quick, Winky, cover your face!
[Winky covers nose with a handkerchief]
CROW: No, more of your face!

From Skydivers.

"I think they forgot to have things happen in this movie." 


"A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves."

Trace Bealieu to a questioner at a convention panel with Bill Corbett and Ken Plume, discussing Crow:

"Make your own thing out of crap you find."  :buggedout: :teddyr:

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

(Rowsdower strangles a cultist)

Crow: "Ayyy, I had a bead on a goose, ay.....ayyyyyyyyy...." :tongueout: :wink:

BLOOD WATERS OF DOCTOR Z

[Doctor Z prepares to take off his pants]

Crow: "AAARGGGHHHH! I'd rather see Sammo Hung in a Speedo!"  :buggedout: :teddyr:

Red Zone Cuba has some of my all time MST3K riffs throughout. My friends and I are constantly saying "I'm Cherokee Jack!" and "Water....thirsty.....sick man" all of the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YzbINJMDyQ 

^Oh to be blessed with an instrument like John Carradine's. ^

from FUTUREWAR:

credits - Special Appearance by MEL NOVAK
Mike: "It'd be a lot more special if we knew who he was!"

Servo: "Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!"
Mike: "Eh, more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn."

Hero is wandering through a maze of shipping boxes.
Crow: "He's feeling boxed in!"
Mike: "Yeah? Well I'm card-BORED!"
Servo: "Shut up, you two."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

He played Tony Montoya in An Eye For An Eye.  :teddyr:

THE BEATNIKS

Eddie [singing] "Anything is better.........."
Joel: [singing along] "..........than this crap.............."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

THE MAGIC VOYAGE OF SINBAD

Sinbad: Have you got the Bird of Happiness?
CROW: No, but we've got a pretty friendly chicken.

Sinbad's pal [whispering]: Sacrifice the bishop.
TOM: Santa bites the bishop??

JOEL: You know, that ceiling octopus really helps with the circulation.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

THE FINAL SACRIFICE:

Troy: "How do you know?"
Zap: "I've been around, kid."
Crow: "And I've been a square kid."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

THE BEATNIKS

[Peter Breck is chugging a beer]

Crow: "Ahmmm, maple syrup...good....."  :teddyr:

THE BEATNIKS:

[Peter Breck douses the stage assistant with his beer: the assistant is wired for sound]

ALL: "SSZZZZZZZTTTTZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!"  :teddyr:

from the SNOW THRILLS short:

Narrator (during figure skating): Beauty, grace and rhythm!
Servo: You won't find them here!


Narrator (during ski footage): The correct way to pronounce it is "Shi-ing"!
Joel: Yeah, well you're full of skit.

SANTA CLAUS

[As Japanese children are adding an atonal contribution to Santa's world Christmas carol spectacular]
MIKE: If seasonal holiday depression has a soundtrack, this is it.

[Pitch, shivering in the cold waiting by a chimney]
MIKE: C'mon, Santa, I need some stuff, man, just a taste...

[Lupita's mom crosses herself after the Christmas miracle]
TOM: In the name of Santa, Merlin, and the elves, amen.

I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF:

Tom Servo: Okay, little old lady got mutilated late last night; you kids know anything?

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

PARTS: THE CLONUS HORROR:

Mike Nelson: Now let's put out our flaming crotches and we'll find your nose.

 :buggedout: :teddyr: :teddyr:

CODE NAME: DIAMOND HEAD

TOM: I gotta pick up a can of tampons for my girlfriend.

MIKE: When this originally aired, at this point everyone had turned to "Carter Country."

Anorexic love interest: "You never cease to amaze me. I didn't know you could cook."
CROW: I didn't know you could eat!

Short "A Young Man's Fancy"

CROW: Thank goodness for my electric dress!

MIKE: Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy.

THE VIOLENT YEARS

During the "rape scene":

CROW: 'Penthouse Forum,' the movie.

Newspaper headline reads "YOUNG MAN ROBBED, CRIMINALLY ATTACKED BY FOUR GIRLS"
CROW: Refuses to press charges!
MIKE: Hundreds of men flock to crime scene!

MIKE: This is actually an advertisement for "light days panty liners."

And this one wasn't really clever but it was so silly it made me laugh more than anything:

Mother: We've given Paula everything, everything but real love. A new dress, instead of a caress. A new car...
MIKE: ...instead of a cigar.

THE BEATNIKS: Eddie Crane is singing about "your little heart's desire"

Tom: "I desire you to stop singing!"  :teddyr:

LAST OF THE WILD HORSES

FRANK: Foot fetishists of the Old West!

(Cowboy raises his arm to hail the gathering of angry ranchers)
TOM: Howdy Hitler!

Bad guy: "He dropped something over there. See what it it."
CROW: It's a plot device. Be very careful, it's flimsy.

The Magic Voyage of Sinbad

Narrator: Sinbad has returned!
(and nobody seems to care)

and

That bear has 'Hammer pants' on.

LOL! :twirl:

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

[Troy gets into the back of Rowsdower's truck] Tom: "Huddled in a pile of dirty laundry: it's just like home."   :teddyr:

THE SWORD AND THE DRAGON

[Villager stabs invading Mongol with a pitchfork]
TOM (to the tune of "Green Acres"): The chores!

Invincor: And when you find such a man give him this, my magic sword, to defend our land and people from all manner of enemies...
TOM: ...and get the five bucks he owes me.

[Montage of winter turning into spring]
CROW: OK, we get it, cycle of friggin' life!

MIKE: This movie has the same plot as "A Boy Named Sue."

In a later segment they discuss the sport of "Ski Joring":

JOEL: She whoring?
CROW: Next, on Sally Jesse Raphael...

also from SNOW THRILLS:

JOEL: There's nothing quite as pretty on a sunny day as arterial spray on the white snow.

DANGER! DEATH RAY

MIKE: They've really captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.

MIKE: Abe Lincoln is 'Time Cop'!

[Hero and villain are playing pool]
TOM: Let's put our balls on the table, shall we?

Leech Woman:

Mocking the jungle guide's affected accent.

Crow: "Blast. I appear to be dead. Still, must make the best of it. Simply redouble our efforts and grab a lorry and take a lift up to the derby and everything should be just blobby in a week or so."

And the running Granny joke.

Servo: "Jeeeeed!"

Sky Divers:
(Beth's pants appear poofy in the back)
Servo: Ugh.. she's got a pantload!

(Suzie goes into a drugstore to get acid from the shopowner in exchange for sexual favors)
Servo (singing): Sex for sundries is fun, hey!  Sex for sundries is fun, everybody!  Sex for sundries is fun..

(Various models greet the Aerial Show skydiving team as they board the plane)
Mike: Good luck, you're gonna die. 

MANOS:

the closing credits come up,
Joel: "OK, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch."

SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

CROW: I just don't get the physics of a hovering bat.

[Samson enters movie for the first time, shirtless and wearing his silver mask and cloak]
MIKE, CROW: TOM: [Uncontrollable giggling]
TOM: I feel sort of silly now. Did I overdress?

[Closeup of rotting corpse]
MIKE: She's got combination skin: one part is fetid and one part is rotted.
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Putrescence!

"Chicken of Tomorrow"

Narrator: "The temperature of an egg when laid is over 100 degrees. Every minute it’s left in a hot nest in a hot hen house takes away some of its moisture and freshness."
MIKE: So put your mouth under a chicken.
Narrator: "Gather your eggs often, three or four times a day"
CROW: Make sure to put them all in one basket.

THE BRUTE MAN

CROW: Et tu, Brute Man?

[Crotchety grocery store owner reading newspaper]
CROW: God is dead? Good!

THE FINAL SACRIFICE

[Satoris is threatening Rowsdower]
Mike: [deep voice] "Now give me your lunch money."  :teddyr:

I ACCUSE MY PARENTS [Watching footage of a field being plowed]

Crow: "Harrowing, isn't it?"  :teddyr: :teddyr:

TERROR FROM THE YEAR 5000:

"Sorry folks, I've got an old Johnson...and my outboard motor isn't working either."

THE MOLE PEOPLE

TOM: Don't mind me, I'm going to go whip the mole.

[During a mole-person whipping sequence]
CROW: This is unpleasant.
MIKE: Just imagine it's Adam Sandler.
CROW: Suddenly it's great!

MIKE: This is the Jerry Garcia guitar solo of liturgical dance.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: