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Not Rated
Copyright 1990 Vista Street Entertainment
Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 4 May 2011

The Characters:  

  • Bill - His overdone goody two-shoesness is painful. He wants to save the Earth so badly that he recycles his Playboy magazines, for crying out loud!
  • Krissi - She is a cheerleader, so that means she wears her cheerleading outfit for 90% of the movie.
  • Lepkey - An alcoholic, rhyming-impaired leprechaun who is stuck in an old beer bottle. He can grant wishes. Very little of what he rhymes has the desired effect (magically or musically).
  • Tim - Bill's best friend, a saxophone-playing skateboarder with a big collar. Don't you miss the '80s?
  • Babette - Is she supposed to be French or Russian?
  • Tony - The resident jerk jock who keeps a condom in his sock.
  • Faukett & Nubbs - Two vice detectives. Other names considered for this pair were Rocket & Stubbs, Pockett & Rubbs, and Sockett & Nubbs.
  • Guru Ramakornkobupurbut - A joke, I hope.

Buy It!

The Plot: 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever outgrow my ability to enjoy teen comedy films. More accurately, I worry that I will eventually outgrow my ability to enjoy comedies made for teenage males. I say this because "Better Off Dead" and "Bachelor Party" still make me laugh, and most of my enjoyment while watching "Hot Tub Time Machine" was noticing the homages to earlier teen comedies. Sooner or later (probably when I am in my seventies), I am suddenly going to decide that a nerd accidentally dumping five gallons of yogurt on a blonde wearing a bikini is not funny.

When that happens, I want you to smother me with my pillow and escape to Canada.

Anyway, this is the story of a high school student named Bill. For his age, Bill is civically advanced, but socially he is a lost cause. While other students are making out or debating the merits of Mötley Crüe and Depeche Mode, Bill is collecting aluminum cans and stressing over college tuition. His goal is to get a real job, so he takes over as the varsity basketball team's new towel boy.

Bill's first day as towel boy does not go well. This is because he is a geek and the varsity basketball team is populated by some of the worst things to ever issue forth from a spoiled suburbanite housewife who is halfway through marriage #3. The towel boy position is available because nobody wants to deal with the jocks and their merciless hazing. Immediately after being introduced to the team, Bill is on his hands and knees, mopping up curdled milk saved for the very purpose of inducting a new towel boy. Meanwhile, behind the gym, Krissi is getting felt up by the biggest a-hole on the team (that's Tony). Just as Tony is about to intrude upon Krissi's...virtue, Bill tosses out his bucket of spoiled milk. The sour splash scores a direct hit on the entwined mixture of jock and cheerleader, causing an immediate end to the romantic interlude.

Milk baths might be good for the skin, but milk showers are bad for the heart.

Later on, Tony makes another attempt at humping Krissi while they are studying in her bedroom. The young woman's mother discovers the two young lovers before they actually become lovers. In fact, her reaction guarantees it that Tony and Krissi will not become lovers, ever. Hell hath no fury like a single mother whose daughter was almost humped.

Elsewhere, our protagonist is cleaning up some trash that less responsible people left on the ground when he runs into a problem. One piece of trash, an empty beer bottle, refuses to be cleaned up. Every time that Bill puts it into the dumpster, it jumps right back out again. My first thought here is that an ornery old wino must be hiding in the dumpster and screwing with Bill. My second thought is that Bill is too much of a chump to kick the irritating boozehound's butt for being a pain in the rear. Well, there is no wino. The beer bottle is a magic prison, and inside is a leprechaun. Lepkey annoyed the goblins something awful in a way that involved alcohol, so they imprisoned him in a beer bottle until he successfully grants three wishes that are good deeds. Wishes that go awry or which do not result in a good deed are null and void.

Even though Bill is the perfect person to help Lepkey out by making realistic wishes that qualify as good deeds, Lepkey's abilities as a genie leave much to be desired. His wishes usually work, just not always in ways that are helpful. For example, Bill wishes for a new red Ferarri. What he gets is red and it is a car. However, it is not a Ferrari, it's a Pinto. Which is indicative of what happens when you wish upon a recovering alcholic leprechaun. For Bill, it also means driving around in his new Pinto with a beer bottle on the dash so that he can talk with his miniature magical benefactor. If Bill is not careful, he will end up spending a wish to remove a conviction for an open container from his otherwise spotless record.

The last time that I listened to a genie in a bottle which originally contained an alcoholic beverage, she lied to me.

Desperate to engage in hanky-panky, Tony and Krissi come up with a scheme. Krissi calls Bill and asks him to ask her out on a date (women of all ages engage in this sort of behavior to keep us men completely baffled about how the whole system works). Bill and Krissi go to the drive-in, where Krissi says that she has to go to the bathroom. That allows her to jump into Tony's car. After a while, Bill realizes that his date has been gone an awfully long time. He then begins searching for her by walking through the drive-in, yelling "Krissi!" over and over. The feedback from other patrons is not exactly cordial. Nor is Tony's response polite when, yet again, his coitus is interruptus before it even startus. I think that Tony would like to kill Bill.

Despite being treated like a sucker, Bill gives Krissi a ride home. She is so touched by his genuine concern for her as a person that the two begin dating. The next thing you know they are cleaning up trash together, playing mini golf, and generally acting like a pair of lovestruck teenagers. None of that sits well with Tony. The cast-off jock tries to thump Bill, but Lepkey intervenes. This time the magic spell works according to plan, and Tony starts smacking himself silly with a tennis racquet. The coup de grâce is the unlucky bully involuntarily jamming the racquet up his own butt. Violated and angry, Tony shows up at Krissi's house with the intent of angrily violating her. Bill the cat (one of Lepkey's moderately successful wish grantings) intervenes until Krissi's mom arrives and calls the cops. Now Tony is in jail for attempted rape.

Don't you just miss the downers in teen sex comedies? I still remember the end of "The Last American Virgin." That is loads of laughs.

The first person to actually get into Krissi's shorts is Bill, and it happens due to one of Lepkey's glitched wishes. For want of a smaller wrench, Bill is accidentally shrunk to a tiny size on Krissi's bicycle seat. When she jumps on to ride to school, he barely misses getting flattened, though he does get mashed between her thighs. Seeking refuge, he climbs inside of her panties. That is the wrong choice. If there is anything in the world that will distract a young woman from history class, it's a tiny Bill floundering about in her panties. Poor Krissi is soon shifting back and forth, moaning, and in general trying to avoid an orgasm - but she has one anyway.

Mini Bill in Krissi the cheerleader's panties is THE SCENE from this movie that everybody remembers. The special effects for this are awesome, too. We see heavy cloth representing the panties, a smooth flesh-colored surface as Krissi's skin, and large black hoses standing in for pubic hairs. When Krissi orgasms, somebody starts dumping water onto Bill's head. This is cheap comedy, but it is amusing for all its immaturity. The leprechaun succeeds in returning Bill to normal size, but only after Krissi carries him into the girl's shower. Chaos ensues.

Lepkey finally gets enough wishes right to earn his freedom; so Bill mails the bottle back to Ireland. I am guessing that royally annoyed a diligent Irish postal inspector, who would have opened the envelope to ensure that the obvious import had all of its tariffs paid. Discovering an empty bottle of some vulgar American brand would have definitely caused no small amount of Irish outrage. The thought is amusing. I am going to conduct an experiment in which I mail an empty Budweiser bottle to Ireland with a note that reads "Thanks for all the Glenfiddich. Here is an empty bottle of Bud to go with your potatoes. Love, the U.S."

If we are at war with Ireland in two weeks, it's my fault.

Two vice cops start investigating Bill's newfound wealth (if you can call a Pinto wealth), but they are largely lost in the shuffle that takes place at the end of the movie. Bill and Krissi get married! After the wedding, Tony shows up and kidnaps Krissi. There is no good reason for him to do this besides natural instinct. You see, every jock has a gene that causes them to prevent geeks from mating with cheerleaders.

Dumped on a country road, Bill seems to be up a dry geek creek without a paddle until Genghis Khan suddenly appears and saves the day by loaning Bill a horse. The ardent groom chases down his runaway-with bride. What follows is a fencing match between the two suitors ala "Better Off Dead," except in this movie they use shish kabobs snatched up from an astonished group of campers instead of ski poles. Tony gets a beehive on his head. Bill gets Krissi, and pretty soon we can assume that Krissi will be getting Bill.


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Things I Learned From This Movie: 

  • Aluminum cans are worth 1/100 of a cent apiece.
  • In France the average age of a high school graduate is 30.
  • Miniature golf has never gotten anybody laid.
  • The only thing more effective than a Swiffer for picking up dirt is a lubricated condom.
  • There are times when you do not want to be in a cheerleader's panties.
  • The hardest part of going steady is picking out your Adopt a Highway together.
  • A Pinto requires $10,000 of maintenance work every year.
  • All of the best words for sex are French.
  • Brooke Shields wrote an autobiography (yes, really)!

Stuff To Watch For: 

  • 1 min - Did I fall asleep before the movie started?
  • 2 mins - No, I think that this is the movie. I pinched myself and it hurt.
  • 23 mins - Princess Warrior!
  • 37 mins - No wonder teenagers always have sex on their brains; it's everywhere.
  • 46 mins - I take it that she is not a natural blonde.
  • 62 mins - He sure has a lot of flair.
  • 74 mins - The handcuffs are not blue, nor do they appear new. Maybe they are borrowed.
  • Ending Credits - The teacher's real name is Dick Mondo?

 Audio clips in wav formatSOUNDSStarving actors speak out 

Green Music Note getlucky1.wav Krissi: "I thought you were going to stand me up."
Tony: "Hey, it would take a real dildo-brain to stand up a babe as hot looking as you."
Krissi: "Oh Tony, you know how to say just the right things."
Green Music Note getlucky2.wav Bill: "How'd you end up in a beer bottle, Lepkey?"
Lepkey: "It's me punishment for being a drunk, lad. There's no such thing as a Betty Ford Clinic for leprechauns. I have to grant someone three wishes before the spirits of the goblins will let me out of here."
Green Music Note getlucky3.wav Bill refuses Tony's offer that he can't refuse.
Green Music Note getlucky4.wav Krissi: "Sit down, Bill. We need to talk."
Bill: "I can't sit down. I just got back from the principal's office."
Krissi: "Good, you deserve it."
Bill: "Krissi listen, what happened today in the girls' shower was an accident."
Green Music NoteTheme Song Listen to a clip from the soundtrack.

 Click for a larger imageIMAGESScenes from the movie 


 Watch a sceneVIDEOMPEG video files 

Video Clipgetlucky1.mpg - 8.0m
Tony is about to beat the nerd out of Bill when Lepkey intervenes.

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