It's a fun game where you ask a film question and the next person has to give a stpid answer then he/she gets to ask a question. And so on and so forth...
eg. Q: Why does Robocop where blue and black ?
A: He thought all the other colours made him look too gay.
Then the person who answered asks a question, got it ?
Good.
I'll start.
Why was the Triceratops sick in Jurassic Park ?
He realized he would have made more money doing one of the Land Before Time sequels.
Does Batman wear a cup?
Yes, and it's too tight. That's why he has such a stupid voice in TDK.
Why did Peter Parker feel the need to dance in Spider man 3
He had to pee really bad.
Why did Hannibal Lechter get diarrhea?
Because Dr. Chilton didn't agree with him.
What was the real reason Clint Eastwood was so angry in GRAN TORINO?
His poncho had been ruined by the dry cleaners.
Are Wookees supposed to get fleas?
Only if they don't wear flea collars.
Why did Frankenstein have fins on his car in Deathrace 2000?
Fins get chicks, man.
What is the deal with The Hulk ripping out of everything but the funny purple pants?
Their molecular structure reacts to the after effects of gamma radiation differently from the rest of his clothes.
Can Metalunan Mutants understand the basic concepts of algebra?
Only on Saturdays between 2 and 4 PM when the sun is shining.
What's the deal with Dean Stockwell constantly pressing the side of his palm against the side of his head in DUNWICH HORROR?
He wanted to 'Quantum Leap' off the set after viewing the first batch of 'Rushes'.
Do ninjas have higher insurance premiums than the rest of the population?
Actually, they are lower because they can never be found to receive payment on their claims.
How did Superman react to having to wear tights?
Surprisingly well, it appealed to his more theatrical tendencies.
Are there any official background checks on those seeking to purchase large quantities of piranha fish?
Yes, but they only check the International Mad Science Registry, and the only name in the database is Lex Luthor.
How did BARBARELLA get a PG rating?
Because parents need their non-sexually/socially mature children to guide them innocently through such a film
Is it safe?
Only if you inhale an insane amount of nitrous oxide.
Who framed Roger Rabbit?
Dick Cheney
Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?
Quote from: Javakoala on June 14, 2009, 10:30:26 PM
Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?
Curtis Harrington done it. :wink:
Y iz da knew Quentin Tarantino filum's tittle spelt inkurrectlee? :question:
It's not spelt incorrectly, it's just spelt ina a slightly cooler way
What was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction ?
Quote from: doggett on June 15, 2009, 05:17:33 AM
It's not spelt incorrectly, it's just spelt ina a slightly cooler way
What was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction ?
My underpants, when they were new. :wink:
What was in the case in
Ronin?
Your underpants...when they were used...
Why did Gennaro think a toilet was a good hiding place in Jurassic Park ?
Because historically, only .00000000001% of T-Rex related deaths have occurred in bathrooms.
Why aren't there any boobies in some movies?
Because Russ Meyer needed a break from time to time.
Why did E.T.'s finger glow?
He was an alien, so that wasn't necessarily his finger...
Where did those aliens fly off to at the end of Battries Not Included* ?
Spaghetti Junction.
Did the entrepreneurs of Amity release 'Bite Me Quick' hats to cash in on the hysteria caused by all those shark attacks?
it was actually a scheme cooked up by WaWa for Hoagie Fest.
Why does predator only fight fair when he thinks hes evenly matched?
Because he knows that pregnant women's raging hormones would kick his arse?
In THE THING, when the radio was destroyed, why didn't the base crew use a satellite phone?
Because they were not in the mood for motion sickness dialing in orbit.
Why is no one dirty in Dirty Dancing?
What are you talking about ? Patrick Swayze is filthy !!!
Why was Robocop flying in Robocop 3 ?
Robocop enjoys his coffee and donuts much like most cops. In this case, they provide gas to fly.
Why do Ghoulies hang out in toliets?
It was either that or hang out with Chevy Chase.
What happened to Chevy Chase ?
He changed his name to 'Buick'.
Is it possible to see the fossilized bones of a Slurpasaurus (aka Iguanius Maximus Fakius) in any museums?
Yes, but only in Dutch ones.
Why hasn't Elvira made a third movie ?
Because she's lacking a third boob.
Why did Balboa scream Adrian after the fight in Rocky?
She bet against him and he was really ticked off !
How many spiders are there in the film Spiders.
One?
Ralph Fiennes... Spiders
Miranda Richardson ... Yvonne / Mrs. Cleg
Gabriel Byrne... Bill Cleg
Lynn Redgrave... Mrs. Wilkinson
Why is Michael Myers wearing a mask?
He isn't :wink:
In Back To The Future what makes time travel possible ?
Wormholes combined with the awesome power of rock and roll.
Does Santo keep reindeer?
Only for the venison.
Why did Frankenstein Meet the Wolf Man?
Because Frankenstein needed a toupe for his date with The Bride.
Why don't humans combust spontaneous anymore?
They do! In fact,I combusted sponataneously just last night! :tongueout:
Why is Dr.Phibes abomonible?
Cause he's always grinning at inappropriate times.
Where were you The Night Evelyn Came Out Of The Grave?
I was busy being tied up in a wardrobe masturbating.*
In the Ring why is VHS being used and not DVD ?
*TOO SOON ? :wink:
Because the Japanese don't know about DVD yet. (Shh! don't let them find out!)
Why hasn't anyone ever come up with an idea for a movie where the hero is actually dying and the whole movie is just his deathbed dream?
Because Oscar Wilde wasn't in the filmaking business....
Is Tara Reid actually a badly made robot?
Nope, She is six ducks in a poorly constucted human suit.
Who would win in a fight: A winged hussar or a hungry/angry smilodon
(I'm making you learn with my question)
Chuck Norris :wink:
Why can't Paris Hilton find the right guy to marry?
Because Bluebeard is a fictional character.
Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Whoever Slew Auntie Roo.
Why do fools fall in love?
Ask Tom Cruise.
In Cannonball Run, where exactly did Victor find the doctor?
In the TARDIS
Does bustin make you feel good ?
It makes me feel good like a cigarette should.
Are you ready to rock & roll?
I was born ready to rock & roll.
What caused Regan to levitate over her bed in The Exorcist?
Because Satan loves his bean burritos.
Where do the socks I loose in the dryer go?
To a time before there were socks, bringing them into existence.
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Disembowel myself, and jump rope with my intestines!
Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop, who put the ram in the rama-la-ma-ding-dang?
The p***ycat Dolls
What is Slimer made of ?
Liposuction leftovers.
Why is Traci Lords no longer doing porn?
Because of incurable peritonsillar abscess.
When will Joaquin Phoenix release his rap album?
When the press begins criticizing Obama!
What do you call a French book of etiquette?
'f**k You!"
Why does Tor obey Bela?
Because Bela always gets the chicks.
How many roads must a man walk down?
As many as it takes to break in his new shoes.
Do mad scientist have a trade union that they can join?
Yes, the Triumphant Evil Scientist Labowners Association (T.E.S.L.A.).
How do I love thee?
You don't. Sniff..nobody loves me...sniff.
Is it time to enact plan #4165 Code name: Aardvark ninja?
We did that last week. Didn't you get the memo?
If a train leaves San Diego heading east at 60mph, and a rocket leaves Cape Canaveral heading up at roughly the speed of sound, and an old man shuffles half a buttcheek to the left on a park bench to make room for Mickey Dolenz, how many olives can you fit in a five-gallon gas can if you first fill it halfway with sour cream?
Taking into account the drag coefficient of the tracks, the high humidity levels at Cape Canaveral, and the heat caused by the friction of the old man's pants (they were corduroys), I'd have to say you could fit zero olives in the gas can because I ate them all. Mwahahaha.
Are you talkin' to me?
No, there's somebody else here, so I'm not necessarily talking to you.
Should a gentleman offer a lady a Tiparillo?
Only if she is smokin'.
Who's pig is that?
That's no pig, that's my date.
Why oh why do we have to die?
So we can join the spirits in the sky.
Is it unhealthy to drink hot iced tea?
Pretty much everything is unhealthy these days.
What is the meaning of life?
Quote from: Jack on June 17, 2009, 06:29:53 AM
What is the meaning of life?
Comfortable shoes and clean underpants. :wink:
What is Clint Eastwood's newest film
Invictus about? Not about rugby, surely?
It's a biopic of Invictus Q. Smedley, inventer of the pop-up relish dispenser.
When will the madness end?
When Chuck Norris says it ends.
Why does Linneau Quiqley always appear nude in her movies?
Because she always shows up late to Wardrobe, so they give her the "special" costumes.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A Woodchuck Would Chuck As Much Wood As A Wood Chuck Could, If A Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood.
How did Indiana Jones became a master of the whip?
There was a typo in the original script. In the original concept, he was armed with a can of whipped cream.
Why do they call the noise humpback whales make "singing?"
Because they still have more talent than all the American Idol winners combined.
Why do I like potato chips so much?
Because your throat is wide enough to swallow them whole? :wink:
Why did Madonna adopt another child?
Because it was the only way to get the matching set.
How often does Wednesday come around?
Whenever Uncle Fester buys her a new doll.
Who is Harry Kellerman and Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?
He obviously knows you; that's why!
Why didn't Toni Basil stick with movies instead of inflicting "Oh, Mickey" on the world?
Because she was under orders from Kim Jong-il to wreak maximum demoralization on the American people.
How does Javakoala always know just when I'm about to post so he can post a reply 5 seconds before I do?
He's inside your house! :buggedout:
Whooooo are you? Who who who who?
What? Are you a frickin' owl? Your feet don't fit on no limb!
What do you get if you cross Tom Cruise with Will Ferrell?
Sorry; gay marriage is still illegal in California.
How can you tell that your invisible ink pen has run out of ink?
You stop getting messages back from your pretend friends.
What happens when you put Roseanne Barr in the lead role of the reboot of "Mame"?
They will no doubt get David MAMEt to write the script. :wink:
Why did it take the Queen so long to knight Christopher Lee? (thanks, Fausto)
Because she wanted a morning ceremony, and he only walks the night.
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?
Only if I had a Doctorate in Soft Drinks.
Is Howard the Ducks "Little Quackie" really egg-shaped?
Yes, and it's comes with a little surprise inside.
Why did Obama kill a fly?
Because it advocated for a single payer health care system.
Does this milk smell funny?
No, but you do.
How do you get grass stains out of Trevor's underpants?
First step, try not to think about how they got there in the first place.
Scooby Doo! Where are you?!?
Rover 'ere!
Why does Blacula scream,scream?
'Cuz the Man won't pay attention to a vampire if he only screams one time.
Whatever happened to baby Jane?
She is currently named "Amy Weinhouse".
Who threw those pies?
Considering the clowns on this board...either Circus Circus or Pennywise.
Track of the Moon Beast lizard man vs The creature from Bat people...who wins the drinking contest?
I would say Ann Landers but only after you dig her up.
How do I get a blue harvest?
Use Kool Aid, it will save you time, droid costs and sand people issues.
Who sang that song I'm trying to remember?
Ray Parker Jr.
What's the Iron Giant made of ?
Scrap metal from Spam cans.
Why does Doggett like Elvira so much?
Same two big reasons most of us do.
Anyone else excited that the Green Lantern movie is finally getting made?
I Am Curious...Yellow
Why aren't there more actors like Gary Busey?
Because most actors weren't hit with the ugly stick.
What does Sci-Fi stand for?
Quote from: Javakoala on June 18, 2009, 04:56:45 PM
How do you get grass stains out of Trevor's underpants?
:teddyr:
That's not a stupid question, that is a major life struggle and issue for me. :bouncegiggle:
Anyway, I don't have an answer for you. :question:
QuoteWhat does Sci-Fi stand for?
Its one level lower than Hi-Fi in stereo systems.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The light was green.
How many squirrels can you fit in your pants?
Never tired it with squirrels, but my record with ferrets is three.
What day is it?
Groundhog day...well, it was yesterday...and the day before that...
What's Bill Murray doing these days ?
Ghostbustin'
Should I stay or should I go now?
It's a toughie.
If you go there will be trouble but if you stay it will be double...Your call, mate.
Why is Jeff Goldblum pretty much the same in every film ?
Goldblum clones. Hundreds of 'em. Thousands of 'em.
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
With Malaria.
Is the movie Sin City based on a comic book?
No, it's based on Amsterdam
When will these comic book movies stop ?
When they've made (and remade) a movie based on every single comic book that has ever existed. Then they'll start on the re-boots.
Why is there never enough cheese in Macaroni and Cheese?
Quote from: Jack on June 19, 2009, 01:00:41 PM
When they've made (and remade) a movie based on every single comic book that has ever existed. Then they'll start on the re-boots.
Why is there never enough cheese in Macaroni and Cheese?
I ate most of it.
Why does the banner ad girl on the right show so much cleavage?
Because it's her butt, not her boobs.
Does Richard Simmons eat fair food?
I saw him swallowing a carny just the other day.
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Quote from: AndyC on June 19, 2009, 06:51:20 PM
I saw him swallowing a carny just the other day.
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Throw him in a tank with the rest of the seamen.
How often should you give a sucker an even break?
Just enough to negate the odd breaks.
Why do people pick their nose?
Because most people won't let you pick theirs.
What do I do about "ring around the collar"?
You need to stop wearing your shirts where your pants are supposed to go.
Who can it be knocking at my door?
Opportunity. But it's gone now. Sorry you missed it.
Why do girls just wanna have fun?
Because Cyndi Lauper said so.
Is it true that you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die?
So, you need a live herring? I was using pickled. No wonder it didn't work.
Why did you resign?
Once I started regifting, resigning just came naturally.
Why do so many people own boats that they never use?
Make him splice the mainbrace.
Do hippies dance the tango?
No, they dance the Pepsi
Where is My Cousin Vinny ?
He's hanging out with your Uncle Buck
Does Spiderman's costume ever give him heat rashes?
What costume (http://www.toptenz.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/spiderman-nude.jpg)? (NSFW, lunch, sanity, or anything else. Please DO NOT click the linked image. You have been warned)
Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
Yes, but what it loses in flavour in gains in sex appeal.
Should Ghostbusters III be made ?
Only if Sigourney Weaver shaves her head for the part.
Why can't white men jump?
Because of the loafers we wear
Will David Hasslehoff ever be considered a serious actor?
Quote from: Derf on June 20, 2009, 07:46:53 AM
What costume (http://www.toptenz.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/spiderman-nude.jpg)? (NSFW, lunch, sanity, or anything else. Please DO NOT click the linked image. You have been warned)
I think that just gave me arachnophobia.
Quote from: The DarkSider on June 20, 2009, 11:24:20 AM
Will David Hasslehoff ever be considered a serious actor?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA<snort, cough> Ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...I'm sorry, yes, of course he will. <snicker>
How long can this go on?
It'll go on as long as The Lord Of The Rings Extened Trilogy
What wouldn't you say to Ron Perlman's face ?
You're nothing but a big ol' p***y cat.
Which is better: Peter Griffin or a bowl of refried beans?
No opinion; both give me gas.
If you had a daughter, would you name her Foxy?
Only if she came out and proceeded to dance on the nearest pole. Then I'd assume it was fate.
Why do zombies move so slow?
They're paid by the hour.
What book would you take to a desert island?
A book recommending books to take on a desert island.
Who came up with the term MILF?
Newt...she has a very high opinion of herself...just kidding :wink:
Is George Lucas going to stop milking the Star Wars franchise for all it's worth ?
Right now, his people are investigating ways he can continue to mess with it from beyond the grave.
What's the biggest dog you ever saw?
Paris Hilton
Why doesn't David Cronenberg make freaky sci-fi films anymore ?
Cuz a TV set ate him.
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
Grew up to surly teenager Jane, then dropped out of high school Jane, after that she was married the guy who got her knocked up Jane, Next was, the B@#$%&d left his wife and kid and very little money Jane. then too a long hard look at her life Jane, Went to Night school and got her GED and degree in accounting Jane, Now she's living comfortably with a friend she meet in night school, and everything is looking for the better Jane.
What's that thing behind you?
Its the money I could be saving by switching to Geico.
Who are we celebrating on Father's Day?
There are questions that God does not want answered, and that's all I can say on this matter.
How much is that doggie in the window?
I'm free with every Happy Meal
What's Scientology about ?
Two bits.
Birds fly over the rainbow; why, oh why, can't I?
Take as many prescription drugs as Judy Garland did and you can fly wherever you want.
Has Malcolm McDowell ever starred in a direct-to-video horror movie?
No, but he starred in saucy home videos filmed by his wife.
Are Pamela Andersons breasts for real?
They're real. But you have to believe...
Will Ghostbusters III be the new Indy IV ?
Only if Shia LaBoeuf fills in for Rick Moranis.
What the hell is a Higgs Boson?
Something I had to google before answering your question.
What's in a Big Mac?
Teenager spit.
How many Cocker Spaniels would it take to make one Irish Wolfhound?
Three, two to hold down the female and one to...well...you know...
Where have all the cowboys gone?
They're called cowpeople now.
Where do babies come from?
Babylon
What's the secret of the gold box?
Brasso.
How did Peter Piper grow peppers that were already pickled in order to pick a peck of them?
I suspect he planted brine peppers seed.
Why did Gwyneth Paltrow name her second child Moses instead of a fruit like her first child Apple?
She finished reading Genesis and had moved on to Exodus.
Who invented the french fry?
French Stewart
Is this the end of Rico?
If he brakes the law, then Dredd has to judge him.
How is Adam Sandler still getting work ?
By never underestimating the stupidity of the viewing public.
Do these pants make my butt look big?
No, the pants have nothing to do with it.
How high is a Chinese mountain?
About Ye high.
Why do objects always look closer than they appear?
I was never drunk enough to experience such phenomena.
Why don't people dance The Hustle anymore?
Because they can watch it in Blu Ray instead :wink:
Is it true that when Michael Bay closes a door, the door explodes in a slo-mo styleee...?
Yes and its all caught on a shaky camera.
What made the babies in "Its Alive!" mutated?
They sat too close to the TV.
Who put chocolate in my peanut butter?
That's not chocolate...
Could we beat the imdb in a fight ?
Yes, as long as we'd all had porridge beforehand.
Can eating too many hot curries actually cause spontaneous human combustion?
I'm sure there'd be flames shooting out of somewhere.
How do people grow those giant pumpkins?
Atomic radiation.
How smooth is a baby's bottom and why do I want a shave that'll make my face feel like one?
I dunno-but blowing yer nose will feel like wiping yer a$$!
Why does Fu Manchu lisp?
He's trying to keep that fake mustache from falling off.
Was that Elvis I saw at the corner store?
Doubtful -- he works in the back stockroom and isn't supposed to be fraternizing with customers.
Why is Ken Russell obsessed with sexy nuns?
Isn't everybody?
Who would win in a fistfight beween Ghandi and the Dalai Lama?
The promoter!
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Milky Way bar?
Quote from: Javakoala on June 23, 2009, 10:02:53 PM
The promoter!
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Milky Way bar?
42.
What can change the nature of a man? (Planescape: torment, anyone?)
Long exposure to a real b***hy woman.
Can money buy happiness?
No, so send all of yours to me; I live to be miserable.
To be or not to be?
Well that is the question isn't it.
How old are you?
Old enough to know better, but young enough to enjoy doing it anyway.
How now, brown cow?
Well, personally, I like lots of Kahlua in mine, with just a dash of milk.
Et tu, Brute?
Mi Corazón!
Why is Jon Voight urging Megan Fox to follow his daughter Angelina Jolie's lead by helping charitable causes?
He needs someone else to get the attention on him in case Angelina goes on vacation or something.
What is the meaning of your screen name?
I'm a man of many parts. All second hand.
Why is Soylent green?
Added chlorophyll, plus a glistening drop of retsyn. Gets the taste of people out of your mouth.
Is it pronounced "chowdair" or "chowdah?"
Depends on how much the Senator has been drinking that night.
What is the actual distance to Pon Farr?
You'll find out when you're older... :wink:
How can the same shi* happen to the same guy twice ?
Ask Bill Murray.
Who asked you?
Um, you just did.
Is anybody goin' to San Antone, or Phoenix, Arizona?
Anyplace is all right, as long as I can forget all those Charley Pride records my parents used to play.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
No, I'm going San Francisco and plan on wearing flowers in my hair.
Who died and made you boss?
Bea Arthur.
I know you are, but what am I?
You are Fred in reverse...
Who am I?
I don't know, but you look just like the person who posted just before I did.
What color was it?
It was dark red, so I went to the doctor. A shot fixed it right up.
Won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Ok hold on...ow...damn...foot cramp, foot cramp...have to sit down.
Who is Luke Skywalker's father?
Yo mama.
Why is Henry Aldrich such a mama's boy?
'Cause his mama's such a hottie.
Bill Bailey, won't you please come home?
He will. After finishing his Alfred Russel Wallace film.
Who is making those crop circles?
Artistically inclined locusts
What color is the White House?
[Peter Griffin voice]
Penis.
[/Peter Griffin voice]
Weren't these questions supposed to be movie related?
Yes, but when has a topic not been hijacked?
What happens 100 years after KILLDOZER?
We'll all be dead, so what does it matter?
Why do I giggle when I say "Van Heflin--zeppelin"?
Its a magic phrase. It means "Float like a gas bag" in ancient German.
Where does ultraman go to the bathroom?
Let's just say that the answer explains the warm gulf stream.
What's today's secret word?
bananas!
can a turtle go 50 mph?
It depends on the blender setting.
Why Adam Sandler, why?!!???
Because someone has to be the new Chevy Chase
What can you remember from Die Hard 4 ?
Something blew up, and someone fired a gun, but I have no idea why there were midgets in ninja outfits.
How many times can they remake "It's A Wonderful Life"?
Twice more before Pauly Shore will be old enough to take the Jimmy Stewart role. Then, the Apocalypse.
Have you danced ever with the devil in the pale moonlight?
no!
Why is it that the people on a nudist beach the people you don't want to see naked? :teddyr:
Because anyone I want to see naked is going to charge me for the privilege.
Why the heck did Lady Vengeance stuff her face in that cake?
Well, she'd been dieting for a while and she thought she'd earnt it.
Will Michael Bay ever make a low budget, heart warming, tear jearker ?
Yes, it was a film about a transgender couple in love until one dies, then the studio got a hold of it, added a ton of special effects, explosions, and replaced the couple with robots that turn into vehicles. I believe it was called Transformers or something like that.
How can you tell the nationality of your potato salad?
by the way they kill each other
what is the owl in a fowl mood?
An academic achievement at Hogwarts.
What's up, Doc?
Your blood pressure. Here's a prescription.
Why didn't the submarine in Fantastic Voyage return to normal size?
It would've been too graphic for a PG rated movie to show the submarine exit from the anus in normal size.
Whatever happen to Rosemary's baby?
It's now the head of FOX News.
Why hasn't the Flying Spaghetti Monster touched some people with his noodlely appendage?
They are gluten intolerant.
What ever happened to Rob Lowe?
He opened a chain of home improvement stores so he could build multiple closets to come out of.
Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
Yes, John is too uptight, Don is banging Judy and Doctor Smith swings the other way.
Who invented poutine?
Canadian Trailer Trash.
Why is little Orphan Annie without pupils?
She lost her teacher's license.
Will Sandra Bullock ever be loved by the masses?
Only after she washes each and ever one of them.
Do you want fries with that?
Oui, puta!
What's the best way to dispose of an irradiated alien corpse?
With some onions, garlic and a hint of curry.
What are aliens usually so hostile?
They're tetchy after being woken up from cryogenically induced sleep too early from their liking.
Are droogs fans of the tv series "The Avengers"?
No, they are something you step in on your way inside to watch episodes of "The Avengers" and now have to scrape the bottom of your shoe.
Why do we ask these questions?
It's the only way to get to the next post.
What wouldn't I give to have Scarlett Johansson draped over my body like a moist sheet?
Your ability to enjoy said situation.
What is your quest?
To destroy the Ring of Power
How long are radio stations going to keep playing Michael Jackson songs ?
Quote from: doggett on June 28, 2009, 05:28:25 AM
To destroy the Ring of Power
How long are radio stations going to keep playing Michael Jackson songs ?
Until he comes back from the grave.
Where is Godzilla when we need him?
In the bathroom waiting for some toilet paper.
So how do they squeeze those gators to get the juice to make into Gatorade?
Very, Very Carefully
If you were a robot, but didn't know it, and we did know-would you want us to tell you?
11001100100110101011001010100100101001100111110000011010101010100101011001
Who would win in a fistfight between Andy Warhol and Salvador Dali?
Neither of these artists is very physical; they would probably fight to a draw.
Why don't they making movies about women trapped in Filipino jails anymore?
Due to the notorious 'Great Manilla Metal File Glut' of 1990-91.
Has the famous 1977 strain of 'Saturday Night Fever' been properly isolated under laboratory conditions by scientists?
Almost. As a precaution, scientologists are trying to sap the joy out of life to prevent the spread of the disease.
Does a bear poop in the woods?
Only if there is not an RV near by.
What was that thing with that guy in it?
Quote from: meQal on June 28, 2009, 10:20:45 PM
Only if there is not an RV near by.
What was that thing with that guy in it?
Paris Hilton. :teddyr:
Did the first
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles graphic novel have a panel where one of the turtles threw a guy into a toilet?
No. It had a panel where one of the turtles threw a guy into a Guilinggao jelly machine.
Why is it so hard to capture a decent picture of bigfoot?
Quote from: hellbilly on June 29, 2009, 02:31:11 AM
No. It had a panel where one of the turtles threw a guy into a Guilinggao jelly machine.
:bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:
Quote from: hellbilly on June 29, 2009, 02:31:11 AM
No. It had a panel where one of the turtles threw a guy into a Guilinggao jelly machine.
Why is it so hard to capture a decent picture of bigfoot?
Because he's so ugly, cameras break.
Is Stewie Griffin the love child of Lois and that Arnold kid form "Hey Arnold"?
Dang it! That was supposed to be revealed in the last episode.
Why doesn't Hollywood make movies like Bollywood does?
Quote from: Javakoala on June 29, 2009, 06:29:33 AM
Why doesn't Hollywood make movies like Bollywood does?
They don't have the super-hot-mother-in-law-killer curry, they don't have the babes, they don't have the moves and they don't know how to play cricket. :smile:
Why is it so damn cold today?
Because my area has all the heat. And I do mean ALL. I think I lost 3 pounds just cooking breakfast this morning.
Is it just me, or is it hot in here?
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen...
Will Flashdance ever be remade ?
Pixar is already working on the animated remake, in 3D. It will be rated G though.
Why isn't Crystal Pepsi available anymore?
Oh she is... she's just working at the Happy Happy Fun Time Gardens Massage Parlor under her new name, Candy Mintz.
What actually happens in the censored orgy footage from EYES WIDE SHUT?
TOM CRUISE b*****e!
All things being equal and the circumference of a square being the hypotenuse of a deuce have you ever wondered if the biblical Adam was circumcised?
Sure he was, but they had a heck of a time finding a mohel.
Would you like some toast?
Yes but only the crusts please.
Did you hear the one about he rabbi, priest and atheist?
Oh yeah. All three die on the same day and wind up at the Pearly Gates together. And the atheist says "Aw f**k!"
What do you get when you cross an ocean with a ship?
Oil spill.
Is Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 going to be awesome?
As awesome as Big Top Pee Wee and Earnest Rides Again!
Why is it that the Final Chick is never a chunky chick with glasses and acne?
Because chickens have been selectively bread for thousands of years to weed out the glasses and acne gene. Therefore, when a chicken's eggs begin to hatch, no chick has glasses or acne.
Why won't you believe me?
Because you're dressed as a carrot
Do you feel the need, the need for speed ?
Hyperspace or Impulse power?
The Blob creeps, leaps, glides and slides...but why won't it disco?
Even a shapeless, binge-eating monster from space has some standards of behavior.
Are you hep to the jive, turkey?
Sorry, I speak only Caucasian.
Why is Jabba The Hutt so obese?
It's genetic, all right? Stop picking on him; he can't help it!
Why don't we ever see Jeff Goldblum doing roles like Macbeth?
I dunno about Macbeth, but he's too neurotic to play Hamlet.
Why do fools fall in love?
Because there's not a lot of thinking involved.
Has anyone ever had a bustle in their hedgerow?
That is not a question to ask in polite company! And I hardly know you, so it is none of your business what I have in my hedgerow.
Would you rather have rockin' pneumonia or the boogie woogie flu?
Neither. I want boogie woogie flu 2 : electric flugaloo
What do get when you fall in love ?
A lifetime of wondering why you did.
Why must it end this way?
Because the other board members don't approve of our love, Darksider :wink:
Who watches Wimbledon ?
Aspring tennis ball chasers
Who watches the World Cup?
It depends on what's in that cup.
Who watches the watchmen?
The competition.
Is nothing good enough for you?
I'm sorry. I'm just a perfectionist.
What do women see in Johnny Depp /
An idiot. That's what Depp stands for in German.
Was the 1969 moon landing really set up in a film studio?
Yep. Best work Toho ever did.
If Martians constantly have a mad post to attack Earth, what do Venusians have a mad posh for?
Well, women are from Venus, so I'd say chocolate.
Why was the genie in the bottle of Jim Beam?
If you had to live in a bottle, you would drink too.
Why don't psychic know why i called them in the first place?
That antenna the aliens inplanted in your head is blocking your brain waves.
Where have all the flowers gone?
Sorry, guess I used too much Roundup
Is there really a Poland Spring?
Only in Sint Eustatius.
Why do people sweat?
They're scared of meeting me in a dark alley.
What is the horror of Spider Island exactly?
The latest Disney ride that will be turned into a movie...or vice versa.
Will you marry me?
We been through this before, Darksider...shhhh :wink:
What time is it ?
Time for you and DarkSider to stop posting answers a few seconds before I can compose my incredibly clever response!
What was the breast count in MALIBU EXPRESS?
A vampire with huge knockers.
Can you handle the truth?
I don't know.
Can you handle John Goodman ?
Only after a fifth of whiskey.
How well do we really know the real you?
Quote from: Javakoala on July 01, 2009, 05:29:02 PM
How well do we really know the real you?
If thou knowest my underpants, thou knowest me. :buggedout: :buggedout:
Serious question: there is a lady in my life who is the love of my life. She knows how I feel and my feelings are reciprocated but she prefers to see me as her brother. Why is that? :question:
Because she's your sister?
Well, serious answer, I'll never ever claim to understand women. However you've got two choices: A) (this is the one you should choose) Move on, find someone who sees you as the love of her life, get hitched, or B) (this is the one you should NOT choose) Live on an emotional roller coaster until some day in the indeterminate future when she either makes up her mind or starts going out with some other guy right in front of you.
My question: Why is water wet?
Quote from: Jack on July 02, 2009, 06:37:24 AM
or starts going out with some other guy right in front of you.
I hate that. Especially when they know how you feel ! :bluesad:
It's soul destroying.
Anyway, why is water wet ?
Because it's got water all over it.
Do you like my nuts?
Only if you like my banana...
Why don't people like Men In Black II ?
Quote from: doggett on July 02, 2009, 07:37:17 AM
Only if you like my banana...
Are you trying to cheat on Darksider? For shame! :bouncegiggle:
Anyway, people really
do like MIB II; they're just playing it cool.
What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed Man In Black
Will they remake Catwoman ?
*The love between me and Darksider is secret so shhhh... :teddyr:
Only if they find a drug as popular as cocaine was in the 80's.
Which way is considered North at the North Pole?
Look for talking reindeer and elves who want to be dentists.
Why does Doggett all of a sudden think I have the hots for him?
Relax, it's platonic hots...I love chicks way too much...hmm..Elvira... :teddyr:
How hot are you ?
About 37 degrees celsius.
Is Bigfoot real?
He's as real as Bighand
How many tellys do you own ?
Just the skull of Telly Savalas.
How long would it take a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters to produce the screenplay for a Michael Bay movie?
Would next Tuesday be okay for delivery? The script is done; we're just having some problems teaching the monkeys how to run the photocopier.
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
Ellie Sattler
Who is The Doctor ?
A guy who couldn't cut it as a professor
What would happen if Michael Bay remamde Raptor Island?
Mountain Dew would have another vehicle to promote their soda.
Isn't paying Michael Bay all this attention lowering the property value of this thread?
It's okay: If the value gets too low, Obama will give us a bailout.
Who's on first?
Yes.
Why don't we have comedic teams like the Ritz Brothers and the Three Stooges anymore?
Because the average Will Ferrell character is dumber than all three stooges combined.
How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?
Naw, I prefer Slap Your Mamas.
Why did Tom Cruise buy his daughter Suri a Kangaroo?
He's trained it to jump on the couch, so she won't miss him when he's away from home.
Are you interested in saving money on long distance?
Yes, tell me more...
Would you like to book now ?
I'm not gonna book for a couple hours.
Why doesn't the posessive form of "it", i.e. "its", have an apostrophe?
Because then people might mix it up with the contraction of "it is."
Why is life like a box of chocolates?
Because if people were told it was like a can of spinach, the suicide rate would go up.
Which witch is which?
The one on the left is that one, and the other one is on the right, silly.
If you could direct the world's stupidest movie, whose career would you happily end by making them the star?
Somebody beat me to the punch: Mike Myers. The Love Guru (2008).
Why are people afraid of thunder and lightning?
It's a natural instinct to fear loud things, that's why so many men stay single.
If alcohol is a depressant, where do I get a happyant?
You can have mine, after she's had a few too many to drink.
Where does this sidewalk end?
At a street with no name.
Why did Alexis Arquette change his sex?
If you were a woman, would YOU have slept with him?
Why did Dean Martin never make a fantasy movie?
I think any movie in which someone meets Jerry Lewis and doesn't strangle him qualifies as a fantasy film.
Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist party?
Nyet.
What's in the Colonel's secret recipe?
11 herbs & spices: tumeric, saffron, opium, freeze-dried (pre-chewed) bubble gum, antifreeze, thyme, vulcanized rubber, Donder, Blitzen, Comet and Cupid.
Are you being served?*
*A memorial tribute to Wendy Richard and Molly Sugden, both of whom passed away this year.
Last year I wanted the complete "Are You Being Served" DVD megaset for Christmas. Instead I got pants. So NO, I am not being served :hatred:
Do woodpeckers get headaches?
If you hit them hard enough with something to make them stop all that noise, I am sure their little heads will ache.
So how about that local sports team?
Oh...erm...yeah...they suck/rule !
Does tomorrow ever die ?
No. It's reincarnated as yesterday.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? (I know the REAL answer,if yer interested.)
Quote from: RCMerchant on July 04, 2009, 08:10:34 AM
No. It's reincarnated as yesterday.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? (I know the REAL answer,if yer interested.)
Uh...fap?
So, what is the real answer?
42.
Why must my stomach obey to be flat?
because it is mocking my front tire....
How hard would life be without thumbs?
Hard on an EPIC scale (how would a games console pad work ?)
Why am I only attracted to the weird chicks ?
Because normal chicks are afraid of you :wink:
What is the secret of Eminem's success?
M & M's
Is long hair awesome ?
I find it gets caught in my zipper.
Why can't we have nice things?
Due to the effects of global warnimg.
Does reversing the polarity of the neutron flow actually get you better reception with a traditional television aerial whilst travelling through the vortex?
No, it only works with a sonic aerial.
You can get them from the same place as the screwdrivers. :wink:
How do you fix the Chameleon Circuit ?
You can't because every time you work out a solution, the damned thing changes.
Why can't the Doctor regenerate as a really hot woman due to some space anomaly?
Davros didn't include that aspect of his genetic make-up when he created him in conjunction with the Master. (The BBC is going to sue for that spoiler!)
Why are some tennis players said to perform better on grass. I thought ALL drugs were banned in professional sports?
Which prompts me to wonder what John Mcenroe was on back in the day.
Why has it rained so much this year?
Somebody stepped on a spider.
Who's got the look?
It depends on who has angered my wife at the time.
What is wrong with Japanese television game shows?
Nothing. They make perfect sense. It's the rest of the world that's crazier than a poop fight in a monkey house.
Who farted?
Chet Donnelly.
Why do so many people get raped in Minneapolis?
They've been listening to Prince's music too much
Did Dr. Doolittle really talk to the animals?
Yes.
In fact, he talks, walks and squarks with the animals...
Do you need a haircut ?
No, because you can end up looking like Larry, Moe, or Curly if a stranger cuts your hair.
So how far down the line do turtles have to wait for their chance at a world dominating uprising?
Not too long. But their behind Chuckawallas (a type of lizard) robotic leprechauns...and ME!
What is it with you and her anyway?
You can ask her yourself as soon as she is done with...ooh, ooh, ahhhhh. Okay, babe, answer the man.
What brought you to such a lowly state?
The elevator.
What kind of new spin should they put on the ROSEMARY'S BABY remake?
Rosemary will be the name of the sled.
Why am I so tired?
Because typing can be *puff, gasp* tough *wheeeze* work.
Why?
Because I had nothing better to do with it.
BTW, what is it anyway?
It (pronounced /ɪt/) is a third-person, singular neuter pronoun (subject case) in Modern English.
Once you have the money, the power and the women, then what?
You get your picture in a lot of rap star's houses.
Do the Care Bears really care?
Not since Grumpy Bear was charged with mansalughter.
So how did you get that motortcycle on the high dive?
A lotta hard work and a lotta pancake makeup.
Is it me?
It's not you, it's us. We need our space and you life and ours seem to be growing in different directions. You are a great poster and all, and I am sure someone will find you are just the person they want to post in their forum, but for us, it's just not going to work out. Don't cry. It's going to be alright. One day you will look back on this and know we were all wrong together anyway.....
Why is everything believed to be better with bacon on it?
It's only believed that doesn't make it so.
Why is everyone in my family crying ?
I'm really sorry that I have to be the one to tell you...but you have passed away.
What should I do?
First thing is take a bath, we can smell you from here.
So tell me, how did doggett die?
Heart attack on meeting Elvira in person at a convention. We all saw it coming.
If you sold your soul to the devil, what would you want in return?
Elvira (around 1988/96 Elvira...that's when she's hottest)
That remote you've got, what does it do ?
Nothing since I apparently lost whatever it went to.
Do your ears hang low?
Yes and they dangle to and fro.
Why do rap guys wear diamonds in their teeth?
It's damned hard to steal them without the owner noticing.
Who do kids with 20 lb. backpacks think it's vitally important that their Ipod be no bigger than a credit card?
So they'll have more room for Red Bulls and Mountain Dews for their all-night gaming marathons.
Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight?
Don't talk about your mom like that :teddyr:
Why do Gremlins melt in sunlight?
Because they are made of cheese.
So what is the wonder drug?
He goes by the name of Superdrug !
Do you get embarrassed buying condoms ?
Only when Mom is working at the counter.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
What's the deal with airline peanuts?
They're free but with purchase of a ticket, so there is no big deal.
Why do chicks like the Twilight book series?
Because those books are wayyyy better than Riding The High Wind: An Irreverent Overview of the South African Film Industry's History 1895 ~ 2009 and other points of interest by Trevor T. Underpants Moses. :teddyr: [BTW: that thesis is real]
Why am I leaving the warm embrace of badmovies.org for a week from this Sunday? :buggedout:
Because you prefer the warm embrace of a woman...
Who's the man ?
The guy with the master plan.
Is it true you don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time?
Quote from: The DarkSider on July 07, 2009, 11:48:18 AM
The guy with the master plan.
Is it true you don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time?
It is true...but you might need to undo a few buttons...
What's the definition of irony ?
Vaguely similar to iron.
When is a carrot like a snowmobile?
When Bugs Bunny is skiing in Aspen.
Why does hair grow out of some peoples ears?
It often gets sucked out from the top of their head.
Will Coca Cola ever try to change their recipe again?
Nope, it's always been made from people and it always will be.
Got milk?
No, so you can't suckle me. At least not for free
Is it Hammer time yet?
No, thats on Thursday. Wedensday is pick ax day.
If a bolt comes from the blue, what comes from the mauve?
Assorted Phillips head screws.
Whatever happened to Randolph Scott?
He's riding the range with several Facebook friends.
Who put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp?
Roseanne Barr's huge rump.
Why don't we say what we really mean?
I have no way of knowing what you mean by that question.
How can Troma make movies on such minuscule budgets?
Because their brains are the same size as their budgets.
How many Andy Milligan movies can a person watch in a row before their head explodes?
Quote from: Javakoala on July 11, 2009, 03:14:46 PM
Because their brains are the same size as their budgets.
How many Andy Milligan movies can a person watch in a row before their head explodes?
I'm guessing the number of Andy Milligan movies Raffine has seen, minus one.
What would Walt Disney think if he was alive today?
"Aggghhh! I'm frozen in a block of ice!"
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Because I like to walk around dressed as a statue.
Why didn't Little Bunny Foo Foo get the hint from the Good Fairy and leave those poor field mice alone?
Because, in the words of Mr. T, he was a foo.
Where have all the flowers gone?
*burp* What flowers?
Did Mulder ever learn the truth on "The X-Files"?
Yes, that only geeks watched the show, and they only wanted to see Scully in her underwear.
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Definitely not beneath my window.....
Do you have to be a mailman to qualify as "going postal"?
Only if you want the postal retirement plan.
Do you want me to turn this car around right now?
HELL, NO!!! I'm wanted in that state, so keep driving or I'll shoot.
Why don't actors get paid realistic wages and get paid a bonus if the film does well?
It's real hard to support a $2,000 a day cocaine habit on realistic wages.
Why do so many reviewers NOT mention if a movie has nudity in it?
Because you should watch Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell for the merits of its storytelling and cinematography, not just to see tatas.
Why do some jerks refer to mammary glands as "tatas"?
Because calling them "hooters" would be disrespectful to women.
Is this life real, or am I just dreaming it all?
Some of it's real...but some of it is a nightmarish delusion...
What's a good magician name for me ?
Doggett The Nearly Mysterious
Does this font make my asterisk look big?
No the font is just too small for you.
So what is the deal with the alledged stonemason imagery on US currency?
Ah, that's The Doggett signal !
Stick a torch under the image and it will shine in the nights sky !
It lets me know when you're in trouble and need my help...why is it on money...I just thought it would be cooler that way.
I challange you to Mortal Kombat !
Do you accept ?
Only if its thumb wrestling. :thumbup:
Whats for lunch today?
Naked.
What's lightening made of ?
Not sure, but custard with mustard would be my guess.
There are people on this board who don't like fake boobs. I ask you - how can this be ?!?!
You've never seen Demi Moore in Striptease, have you...?
Will the mini skirt ever comeback ?
Well according to Benny Hill its back! :smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgyIt8nY_bU
Why don't people like my new lawn ornament?
A six-foot stone penis comes very close to contravening the neighbourhood association rules.
Did video really kill the radio star?
No, it was her boyfriend, DVD, that killed the video star.
Why are the skirts so short for female tennis players ?
So you can get a better view up there.
Why are Burger King's commercials so profoundly retarded?
Because they know their customers.
Who would win in a debate over the best dinner salad: Machiavelli or the Marquis de Sade?
I'd pick the Marquis; I believe that's de Sade that would win.
If aliens ate humans, how do you think they would prepare us?
They would prepare us by making us watch all Rob Schneider films. After that, being eaten doesn't seem so bad.
:teddyr:
What becomes of the broken hearted ?
They vow revenge and then make low budget horror films about it.
So anyone found any naked Terminators in their area lately?
They only arrive in Armani in our area.
Did LaToya Jackson kill Michael?
Nope...Latoya IS Michael
Did you clean your room yet?
I'll do it after I finish my homework !
WHY ARE YOU BETRAYING ME :hatred: !?!?! :wink:
Nobody's betraying you. By the way, there's something in your back.
So, how does Joel eat and breathe?
Through his mouth and butt.
Why did Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince made so much money at its midnight showings on Wednesday?
Magic.
Am I doing this right?
You're a man...of course you aren't doing it right. :lookingup:
Where were you the night Chicago died?
I was out buying some paper lace for the living room.
I know I shouldn't ask this, but for whom does the bell toll?
Quasimodo
(By the way, nice pick up on the "Night Chicago Died" reference, AndyC)
Kookie, Kookie, could you lend me your comb?
Never use the things, but I have a razor you can borrow.
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
You don't, Maria continues to be a problem until this day.
Whats your favorite color?
You mean my favourite colour ?
Purple. But my choice changes all the time...
What would happen if Jaws got remade ?
People on this board would complain about it. :teddyr:
What kind of mother would name her child "Weng Weng"?
A mother who named his/her twin brother "Bling Bling".
QuoteYou mean my favourite colour ?
Why do people from England add in a "U"?
I blame the metric system.
Why are Fritos corn chips so damn addictive?
The Keebler elves pee in the mix.
Who broke this?
Quote from: Javakoala on July 16, 2009, 04:42:37 PM
The Keebler elves pee in the mix.
Who broke this?
It was Darksider...he's been walking funny...
What happens when you reverse the polarity flow ?
Jon Pertwee looks down and smiles.
Ever been in a Turkish prison?
No, but apparently they have ots of women in them...well...that's the idea I'm getting from the films I watch...
What's the story morning glory ?
Well, once upon a time, there was a plucky girl welder who really wanted to dance...nah, never make it as a movie.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Just one more time...I'll remember this time, honest.
What does David Cronenburg dream of ?
A magic land of unicorns and rainbows.
If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Can't happen. Al Gore hears everything in the forests of the world.
Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
In my pants currently
Who throws a shoe...honestly?
The same guy that sticks a remote up his...
Are you ready to go ?
Yes, I've been waiting on you to finish your makeup.
Does this taste funny to you?
Dude, you weren't meant to eat that !!
Are you going to take the rubbish out ?
That's no way to talk about your sister!
Will it be my way or the highway?
Hmm...I've heard about "your way" so I'll take the highway. It's more hygenic.
What's your favourite font ?
Fontanel, but don't press too hard.
Did your mother tell you THAT was acceptable behavior?
Did your mother say that tone of voice is acceptable ?
I'm hungry, can you cook me dinner ?
Yes but only if you hunt for the main course yourself down the woods.
Do you think I came up the Clyde on a bike?
Yes but I am lacking the photographic evidence currently.
Did Al Gore really invent the internet?
As surely as Michael Moore is an unbiased documentary filmmaker.
Who left this cake out in the rain?
Julia Child. But she has an excuse. She's dead.
Does your girlfriend know what you did with that goat before you cooked it for her dinner?
Quote from: Javakoala on July 18, 2009, 11:20:25 PM
Julia Child. But she has an excuse. She's dead.
Does your girlfriend know what you did with that goat before you cooked it for her dinner?
Naaaah!
Does everybody hate Microsoft?
only the people that know other operating systems exist
If there were a gay man humping your leg would you let him stay or would you beat him off?
Erm...when you say "beat him off"...??? :bluesad:
What's the time, Mr. Wolf ?
It's Howdy Doody time! It's Howdy Doody time!
When selling sea shells by the sea shore, should she sell sale sea shells or simply sumptuous sea shells?
I'm not sure although you could ask Peter Piper as long as he isn't picking a peck of pickled peppers.
Will Tim Burton ever direct a film that doesn't look ridiculously Gothic?
Only if he discovers how cool the Victorian era really was!
So, is that the hilt of your sword, or are you just glad to see me?
I'm glad to see that that's the hilt of my sword.
Do I need call the Waaaaaambulance?
Only if you got a paper cut.
Why is it that a bad movie seems good?
Typically one of two reasons: alcohol, or boobies.
Is a cancer-infected venomous snake really any scarier than a non-cancer-infected venomous snake?
Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 20, 2009, 11:47:18 AM
Typically one of two reasons: alcohol, or boobies.
Is a cancer-infected venomous snake really any scarier than a non-cancer-infected venomous snake?
If they're smoking Camel non-filters...yes.
Who is the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air?
Quote from: The DarkSider on July 20, 2009, 09:08:01 PM
Quote from: Rev. Powell on July 20, 2009, 11:47:18 AM
Typically one of two reasons: alcohol, or boobies.
Is a cancer-infected venomous snake really any scarier than a non-cancer-infected venomous snake?
If they're smoking Camel non-filters...yes.
Who is the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air?
The throne has sat vacant since 1996 when Will Smith abdicated the title so he could become the Filthy Rich Duke of Blockbuster Video Rentals.
Isn't it about time for Martin Scorcese to do another black comedy?
I think he's waiting to see how Tyler Perry's white comedy turns out first.
Why are so many people following Ashton Kutcher on twitter?
To better plan the hit. He'll never see it comming.
Why did Godzilla cross the road?
To get to the other side of Tokyo.
Do I need to open a can of Whoopa$$ on you?
No, it now comes in convenient resealable packets.
What does V'Ger want with the creator?
To dance.
Why does Cameron Diaz refuse to appear in a remake of The Sound Of Music?
Because she doesn't want to associate with anyone who would cast her in a remake of The Sound of Music.
How many pecks in a bushel?
About 72 – 84.
Why can't MechaGodzilla defeat Godzilla?
Quote from: venomx on July 22, 2009, 03:23:13 PM
About 72 – 84.
Why can't MechaGodzilla defeat Godzilla?
You kidding? Have you seen ths
size of those feet?
How do you Armadillo?
Give it a gun.
Who wants gum?
Please put that back under your shoe and don't offer it to me again.
Who watches the Watchmen?
Hopefully not enough for them to make a sequel.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
No, I'm more of a winters night...
How many arms do you have ?
Depends on when I last juggled chainsaws.
How do you make duck soup?
Impossible, what with the Marx Brothers being dead and all.
How did I get here, and where is that large automobile?
In the river that flows underground. Your beautiful wife is in the front seat.
When confronted by angry cannibals, is it more proper to wear white shoes or brown shoes?
Brown. Even if white, the load you'll drop when you see cannibals will turn them brown anyhow.
Dude, wheres my car?
...Sorry, I borrowed it and here's $200 for the "love-stain" on the back seat. D*ckhead move on my part.
Do all zombies have 500lb+ test intestines like Nazi Zombies do in "Dod Sno"?
(http://blogs.amctv.com/horror-hacker/DeadSnow560.jpg)
Yes.
Who is going to want to smell like Amy Winehouse ?
Might be an improvement for this kid:
(http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/assets_c/2009/02/slumdog1-thumb-400x362.jpg)
Who wants free corn?
(That's the next question, but it actually makes a pretty good caption.)
The children of Gatlin.
Why did Michael Jackson's mom get custody of his kids?
Because she has such a great track record of raising stable, well-adjusted children.
I came in here looking for something. What was it?
Your car keys. Thanks for leaning them to me, here have them back.
Why are you on fire ?
Because I've got a bad desire.
What's that on your head?
I'm not sure, but don't make any sudden movements. I think it might bite.
Why are there crackers all over the couch?
:buggedout: Ermm... sorry, I forgot to clean up after last night.
Will my underpants ever be clean again?
I think the bigger question is, were they ever really clean to begin with?
Where were you on the night of June 5th?
Probably in bed sleeping.
What is the exact origin of the phrase "Don't get your panties in a bunch"?
No idea. But I wouldn't get your knickers in a twist over it.
Did you hear about what Darksider, Circus, Newt, ghouck, the Rev., Sister Grace, AndyC, 3mnkids, Trevor, Jack and javakoala all did last night ?
Yeah,...and they didn't invite me. I thought we were friends.
Are we in the matrix?
Theres a lot of black and green around here so I'm thinking yes.
What is your favorite flavor of Tootsie Roll Pop?
kiwi!
if a chicken hand a half lays an egg in a half in a minute and half, how long does it take to get to Hawaii?
From here, about 3800 miles outside of Honolulu, it would take half a chicken about 3 years to get to Hawaii, taking into account stopping every minute and a half to lay half an egg, with rest stops every hour to explain why it's trying to cross half a road. The whole chicken was hit by a bus, so I can't determine the time frame for its journey.
Doctor Who?
Indeed.
Does this look infected?
Yes, unfortunately we may have to amputate.
How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?
(there's an actual answer to this, and I'll be amazed if the next poster gets the reference)
Quote from: doggett on August 04, 2009, 07:49:27 AM
Did you hear about what Darksider, Circus, Newt, ghouck, the Rev., Sister Grace, AndyC, 3mnkids, Trevor, Jack and javakoala all did last night ?
:bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:
I dunno about those other friends, but I was watching footage of the 1947 Royal Tour to South Africa. Princess Elizabeth and Princess Margaret were quite the babes back in the day. :smile:
I leave them alone if they leave me alone.
What was Jess Franco thinking?
"BARBED WIRE DOLLS will be my CITIZEN KANE."
If there were an eighth face of Dr. Lao, what do you think it would have been?
Felix Unger.
Have ye ever been to sea?
Aye, it be wet and salty. Nuttin' more den dat dough.
Who decided to bump this thread up again?
Me.
But why?
To impress Jodie Foster.
What is the square root of mayonnaise?
2 miles of ketchup
Is the new Milla Jovovich movie The Fourth Kind (2009) about Alien abduction?
Its about us hoping to see her scantly clad again.
What should you don on Halloween to houses that don't give out candy?
Empty your nose at them and fart in their general direction.
Hansel?
Sorry, he's just been cooked by a witch---would you like to speak to Gretel instead?
Why couldn't the queen in ALIEN just apply for citizenship legally?
Because Ripley also works part time at the Immigration Office.
Will there be a sequel to Michael Jackson's documentary This Is It?
The working title is "That Was It"
Why Chernobyl?
Why, why, why why?
Why George Gobel?
Why, why, why why?
Why not?
Which celebrity is in reality the superhero The Maksed Sea Turtle?
Oprah Winfrey
If Vampires never grow old, does that also apply to new born vampire babies?
Not if you're William Smith(Grave Of The Vampire).
Can you really go blind if you do that too much?
I only became nearsighted.
Are we there yet?
Yes, assuming that by "there" you mean strapped into the backseat with nothing to do for hours and hours.
What's the name of the next Pee Wee Herman movie?
Whip It Out, Ruin Your Career
Whats the use of day light savings time...honestly?
It has been scientifically proven to be the most confusing idea ever. The USA government adopted it so people will become distracted from Area 51.
Why don't scientist's figure out a way for the human body to not need to use the bathroom? It just seems like so much time could be saved if nobody ever needed a bathroom break.
Oh, they've tried, and they'll succeed if they can overcome the small problem of test subjects exploding in a spray of liquid s**t.
Who is Harry Kellerman, and why is he saying those things about me?
He is the winter of your discontent. And you used to beat him up in high school....which is why he says all those mean things about you(it's okay, we don't believe any of them) :teddyr:.
How do I cure my cold ?
I've invented a cure for the common cold. It can take up to a week to work, but it's 100 percent effective.
So, how green was my valley, anyway?
Green as peas on a sunny Sunday morning.
Is The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) going to rock your world?
If silver bullets and wooden stakes are introduced then sure.
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Same place all the flowers went.
How many quarts of motor oil will the average bowler hat hold?
Around 2.
What's the best thing to do with old CDs ?
Grind them up and use it for spice.
When did the foreign war of the fried fish take place?
During the great herring depression.
Why was P!nk mean to her husband?
Quote from: claws on May 07, 2010, 10:32:00 AM
Why was P!nk mean to her husband?
She was blue.
What time is it?
Time for Allhallowsday to get a watch!
How did Doggett know I was just wondering what had happened to this thread?
He was reading your diary.
What exactly happened to Bret Michaels?
Quote from: claws on May 07, 2010, 02:38:59 PM
What exactly happened to Bret Michaels?
The pressure of competing with Cyndi Lauper and Susan Osburne on
Celebrity Apprentice was just too much.
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Look up every Maria in the phone book and bump 'em off, Terminator-style.
Why do pigs oink?
It's a language specifically tailored to the discussion of a mud-bound garbage eating lifestyle.
How do birds manage to fly when it's really windy?
Autopilot.
Is Sandra Bullock planning new movies?
no if it involves Jesse James.
Could R.O.T.O.R. be the next Robocop?
Only the Public Relations team knows for sure.
Who's been mucking about with my spam filter?
The Jimmy Dean sausage company.
Why are there no cone shaped planets?
There are lots of cone shaped planets - they just look round because we're seeing them from the bottom.
What happened to all my hopes and dreams?
You got married Jack...sorry.
Why is there always so much laundry to do?
Trevor brings his underwear over to be washed when you're not looking. (though I think you'd notice the smell...)
When dogs lick themselves, do they like the taste?
If they did, they wouldn't want to stop.
Is it getting dark soon?
There is no way out of here. It'll be dark soon. There is no way out of here.
What speech defect does Popeye suffer from?
Pipetitis
Will seafood meals survive oil leak?
Depends on how much fish oil they already contained.
Will there be a new remake of Smokey and the Bandit?
Of course! EVERYTHING gets remade nowadays! :hatred:
Why does 'bananas' mean crazy? What does a fruit have to do with mental condition?
Bananas hate Peanut butter jelly time.
is there light?
No, the ladies drank all of it. Have a REAL beer, wussy!
Do you hear what I hear?
It wasn't me.
Do Full-body scanning machines reveal too much?
They don't reveal anywhere near enough!
What is the meaning of this question?
42
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Because I have a huge nose the little birdies love to perch on
Does Snake Pliskin ever smile?
If you felt Escape From L.A. was going to suck that bad, would YOU smile? :tongueout:
If there's a boulder on your shoulder, do you feel kinda older? And do you trip the merry-go-round?
No, and no :)
Why is Obama very concerned about Greece's economic crisis?
He needs the olive oil and feta to power his new flight-capable body armor, Obamatron 5065.
Why does seafood alfredo make me randy?
They don't; your name is Joe.
Why does pig sh*t stink so bad?
Cuz it's pig s**t
Why was Bush in Office?
Cuz he wouldn't stay in the yard where he was planted.
Is you is or is you ain't?
That ain't none of your business!
Why aren't were-elephants more popular than were-wolves?
Twilight would be a lot more entertaining.
How much is that doggy in the window?
You don't want that doggy. He's blind and rabid! (By the way, I almost asked that same exact question!)
What is Rita Hayworth's secret identity?
Keith Richards
What manner of creature is Q*Bert?
m&m-zoid
Why does Kate Perry want a small wedding?
Because her husband has a small penis.
Why does the local IHOP smell like ass?
Quote from: Joe the Destroyer on May 11, 2010, 01:14:48 AM
Because her husband has a small penis.
Why does the local IHOP smell like ass?
It stands for Introducing Hogs' Overripe Posteriors.
If Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres could conceive a child together, what would it look like?
Probably that hideous troll under the bridge.
Why don't sphagetti and cheese whiz go together?
Because incest is illegal.
Why do oak trees remind me of pine trees?
You should be pining for the fjords, not trees!
How do the cat in the cradle, the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon keep you from being an involved, caring parent?
They don't because I don't have kids :)
Why did Anti-gay rights activist George Rekers resign after a trip with a male escort?
He wanted to pull out. ...um, of the business! Whew.. nice save!
If dolphins could talk, what would they say?
They'd unintentionally reveal their plans for killing all humans at 2012 and becoming the true rulers of the world, again.
Why do people call aliens Little green men, when they are obviously grey?
Because if they don't call them little green men, Corey the Cabbageman will get them.
How come the early bird special is always worms?
Because the early worm special is always birds
How come Milla Jovovich doesn't want to get breast implants?
Because they might leak, making her Milla the Spilla.
Why did Popeye and Bluto fight over such an ugly, skinny b*tch like Olive Oyl?
Because Olive made damn fine Margaritas.
Why is soccer popular in Europe?
Because you can spend the entire game waiting in line for beer and waiting in line for the bathroom, and you don't really miss anything.
Why do some dogs bark all the time?
Because they think "SHUT UP!!!" means "BARK MORE!!!".
How do porcupines have sex?
Very, very carefully.
Where did my good pants go?
Check eBay. *whistles*
Where does beef stew come from?
You honestly don't wanna know :(
What does it mean to 'walk a thin line'?
Ask the high wire balancing act at the circus.
If you offered a penguin a drink with ice in it, would he be offended?
No, he would just say "That's very, very ice of you!"
Why does it seem like I always have to use the toilet?
Beware of the old Ex-Lax Practical Joke.
Why aren't trains more prominent as a mean of travel these days?
The older generation of trains is too busy train-ing younger trains who are train-ees to do the work for them!*
Would it be rude to ask my teacher to fax my homework to me?
*Sorry for these horrible jokes!
Fax? Who the hell faxes now days? It's time to get with the 21st century buddy, it's called e-mail.
How many times will I have to hear "Enter Sandman" in my life time?
Just stop listening to The Fringemunks.
Why did Palin tell Obama 'Do your job, secure our border' ?
Because the condom broke.
Why don't hookers fit in blenders?
Because hookers and blenders don't "mix". (or chop, puree, etc.)
Does the customer get a refund if a hooker has her period during sex?
Only if he keeps the receipt.
Was anyone else disappointed when the year 2000 rolled around and we still didn't have any Death Races?
I was.
So I invented Death Table Tennis* ! :teddyr:
What was your last nightmare ?
*I can't drive.
I won't say. Let's just say it featured a Knight and a mare. :buggedout: "Shudder!"
Why do they play Christmas movies in July?
Because Hannukah has cornered the June market.
Why do some people still refuse to call me "Lord of all that can be seen"?
Your mother was a chameleon.
Why do they call him Mister Tibbs?
-Jimmybob
'Cause long ago, he used to be Tyler Tribble Tibberjockey, the famous High Priest of The Church of Sandwich.
How does one scratch himself/herself in two places at once?
With use of their two hands, scratching different areas.
Or, if they split themself vertically in two halves. If they're still alive they can be in two different places and scratch themself.
Why do people envision kangaroos as boxers?
Because koala bears just won't work
Do you have the time?
It's your bedtime young man!
Why do I feel like I'm the only 18 year old that barely remembers anything from my childhood?
Because I killed off all the other 18-year olds. You are the only cool one!
If salt kills slugs and Alka-Seltzer kills ducks, what works on pesky raccoons?
hollowpoints
why does my watch band keep breaking?
Because it was made in Taiwan.
Has Polanski paid his dues?
Yes sir, the check is in the mail!*
Why would I rather be a hammer than a nail?
*What movie is this from? :smile:
Big Trouble In Little China, and it's better to be a hammer so you can hit people on the head, instead of be a nail and vice versa.
If someone says "liar, liar, pants on fire" should you look down at your pants just in case?
Not if you've been needing a vasectomy anyway.
What is the leading cause of chewing tobacco related deaths, aside from biological problems?
Quote from: Sleepyskull on May 19, 2010, 04:40:01 PM
Not if you've been needing a vasectomy anyway.
What is the leading cause of chewing tobacco related deaths, aside from biological problems?
Blowback from spitting out an open truck window.
What the heck is
that?
Sorry, my fly was open again.
What is your problem?
Despite recent advances in science there are still far too few varieties of cheese.
Who killed Cock Robin?
F*ck Wing with his tiny bow and arrow
Mary Contrary, how does your garden grow?
Peachy keen, Mr.Dean!
Am I insane or did I truly see a snake riding a tiny moped?
You're insane. Join the crowd. :smile:
If Batman and Robin really ARE gay, how can they concentrate on crimefighting when they're wearing such tight outfits?
Quote from: retrorussell on May 20, 2010, 06:49:47 AM
You're insane. Join the crowd. :smile:
If Batman and Robin really ARE gay, how can they concentrate on crimefighting when they're wearing such tight outfits?
The tiny eye slits on their masks act as side blinders
Explain this picture for me
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/wtf_pics-pickle-boys.jpg)
An idea Vlassic toyed with before settling on a stork for their commercials.
Ever been to sea, billy?
No, but I heard he likes Gladiator movies.
Why is Lindsay Lohan facing jail time?
QuoteNo, but I heard he likes Gladiator movies.
Why is Lindsay Lohan facing jail time?
For pretending to act
Why are there so many handicapped parking places in the world?
Beekumpf dere are lotf uv hamdeekapt peepul in de wurld.
Why are pubic lice called "crabs"? How do they resemble the similarly-named crustaceans?
Because they listen to Larry King.
When did the giant chicken cross the road?
Because Bert I. Gordon couldn't shoot the scene without him.
What did Ed Wood wear when he couldn't get hold of cashmere?
A frown.
Why did the Human Centipede cross the road?
To find other body parts for the sequel, "The Human Millipede".
If your pet could talk all of a sudden, what would its first words to you be?
"You know, my butt really is delicious! Wanna try it?"
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
Only the kinky ones.
Is this a dagger I see before me?
No. That's my candy cane.
Will Paula Abdul return for the 'Idol' finale?
She doesn't even know she left so its probable
What will Oprah do with all her spare time?
I personally don't give a s**t. :teddyr:
How green was my valley?
You get an F for accuracy. It was a dried canal, but not a valley.
When Queen sang "We will, we will, rock you" were they talking about granite or sandstone?
neither, it was LIMESTONE!
what would a dinosaur say?
Dinosaur - "Hey, whats that giant thing in the sky coming right for us?"
If Hugh Hefner's mattress could talk, what would it say?
"Weinerschnitzel"
What exactly is the Abraham–Lorentz–Dirac force?
A law firm.
If Pac-Man eats up to 16 ghosts, 2 fruits, 240 dots AND 4 power pellets each maze, how does he get rid of it? Is there a pac-toilet we don't know about?
Pac Man is a TARDIS in disguise.
Who put the dip in the dip-da-dip-da-dip?
These guys!
(http://mike.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/2112.jpg)
Why is Jack Palance so weird looking?
Quote from: retrorussell on May 22, 2010, 04:15:59 PM
Why is Jack Palance so weird looking?
After plummeting off of a precipice,
PALANCE had every bone in his body, including all three ear bones, broken, and then was hideously scarred in the subsequent explosive and fiery automobile accident, aka car crash.
You believe me don't you?
Actually, he got his face pummelled in the boxing ring, then in WWII he barely ejected from a burning B-24 during a training flight and underwent massive reconstructive surgery.
Or so says Wikipedia..
What is the cause of 'morning wood'?
Waking up in a forest.
Who punched you in the face?
Me. There was a bug on my nose.
Why does a sharpei's tail curl up so everyone can see its butthole? Icky!
It's a status symbol amongst sharpei's. Smaller butthole = harder to make your b***h = more respect in the yard. It's a form of intimidation, like the dog is saying, "Thinking of making me your b***h? Think again."
My question:
If Jesus could turn water into wine, what could he turn wine into?
p*ss
Why don't Mario and Princess Toadstool/Peach have any kids?
Something's wrong with his plumbing.
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Freddy Mercury's corpse.. if you're into that sort of thing.
Is Supertrain available on DVD?
ask Google, we don't know every movie you can think of
Whay did I fall asleep these two last nights while watching Amazon Women on the Moon?
'Cuz it's not really that good.. Kentucky Fried Movie is better.
Why does Frogger turn purple when he mounts a lady frog?
He's a chameleon in excited disguise.
Why can't aliens really be little green men?
Because they are evolved from dolphins, which is why they are GRAY
Why do little children have to believe in Santa?
They're secretly afraid that he might 'sleigh' them.
Do you want fries with that?
No, that was not a typo. I want fires with that.
If an angel gets wings when a bell wings, what happens when they lose their wings?
They grow horns and trade in their harps for pitchforks.
Shouldn't cufflinks on a 3-piece suit make it a 4-piece suit?
Two cufflinks would make it a five-piece suit.
Why is Frank Beard the only member of ZZ Top who doesn't have a beard?
It's a joke name, like the bald stooge named Curly.
Since everyone knows about Calgon, what is the REAL ancient Chinese secret?
Lucy Liu used to be a guy.
What is "natural male enhancement" anyway?
Watching porn
What does the "C" in AndyC's name stand for?
Canadian. Duh.
Who started the whole naming colors after objects thing (avocado green, peach, orange, etc.)?
Wasn't it that 'Man From Del Monte'.
How many grains of sand are required on a beach to create the optimum conditions for comfortable donkey rides?
Just one grain of sand. Then you're off to never-neverland.
If Ghostbusters was remade today with a whole new cast, who should play Venkman?
Oh, somebody young, good-looking and physically fit. Take your pick; they're interchangeable.
How do they get the eleven herbs and spices into the Caramilk bar?
Coercion and blackmail.
What didn't the "Hear No Evil" monkey hear?
I tried to tell him my life story, but he just kept putting his hands over his ears and saying "I'm not hearing this!"
Who would win a DRACULA v. FRANKENSTEIN rematch?
The teenage girls, because Dracula will be a sparkly wuss.
Why was the finale of "Lost" so friggin' stupid?
Because it was written by tv show writers.
In the medical profession, what is the difference between an M.D. and a D.O.?
the M and the O
Why doesn't falafel come in different colours?
-Jimmybob
Because the companies that would supply the dyes are engaged in a massive but secret war with each other over.
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego, anyway?
San Diego, CA
Has anyone ever seen an express lane with a sign in excess of "15 items or less"?
Yes, indeed. Walmart. Theirs reads, "You must weight 400 pounds or less."
Where DID the Wendigo?
I dunno. Alaska.
where the hell has Javakoala been?
He's been hiding in his underground lair whilst plotting the eventual destruction of the Hamburger Helper Factory.
Why do small dogs hate me so much?
Its the Pup-Peroni you got in your pocket that you won't give up.
Does anyone know why the Asian folks in Kung-Fu movies have such long ass facial hair?
It's the curse of Fu Manchu.
Why aren't there more movies about killer parakeets?
Because parakeets will sue in a heartbeat if they feel like their character has been maligned.
What made dinosaur?
Nothing; they never existed. Paleontologists made them up so they can rake in the royalties every time a movie features dinosaurs.
Why do spiders keep coming out of the drain in my bathtub?
To eat the flies buzzing around your toilet.
How much spray cheese would it take to fill an average adult colon?
You can keep spraying that stuff up there forever, it's really quite amazing.
Why is mozzarella stringy when you melt it?
So you can reenact the "spaghetti scene" from Lady & The Tramp with your loved one, with cheese instead of spaghetti.
If Dig Dug and Pac-Man had a fight, who would win?
The pay-per-view broadcaster that carried the fight.
If x=2(y+13z) and z=x-2, then why?
I don't listen to hip-hop.
Why do fools fall in lava?
To get the Precious.
How many raccoons can fit in the average Smart car?
About 300, if they're clown raccoons trying to fit into a clown Smart car.
Why do so many people say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less"?
Because the stupid are everywhere...
Where's my other sock ?
We didn't want to tell you, but it died and went to sock heaven.
Whodunit?
The butler named Didit.
Anyone still own a Betamax?
Yes, oh yes, but you can't have it.
What's the best way to cook a budgie?
In my smugglers
[not sure if its an Aussie thing, but still:
(http://resources2.news.com.au/images/2009/12/03/1225806/772686-tony-abbott.jpg)
That picture is our oppostion leader in politics incidentally. Scary stuff...
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_hGt7QyzKreU/S4DYDT4bHFI/AAAAAAAAH4o/TG2nctEgFk0/s400/budgie-smugglers.jpg)]
How would you remake Citizen Kane?
I would make Rosebud a hover board like in Back to the Future, and Kane would kill a lot more people.
What is the best shampoo to use if you're bald?
Whatever all-natural, exotic and really expensive shampoo my wife happens to have on hand - huge gobs of it.
Why does a baked potato take so long to cook?
Potatoes are interesting creatures that can survive in all kinds of temperatures. Should one be thrown into a microwave or get boiled or deep fried, the potatoe will persist (for about forty minutes) until the heat becomes too unbearable.
That orange is looking at me funny, should I kill it?
Quote from: diamondwaspvenom on June 01, 2010, 03:32:05 PM
Potatoes are interesting creatures that can survive in all kinds of temperatures. Should one be thrown into a microwave or get boiled or deep fried, the potatoe will persist (for about forty minutes) until the heat becomes too unbearable.
That orange is looking at me funny, should I kill it?
No, look what happened in Ireland.
What do you think Saturn tastes like?
(Woohoo! Post number 8000!)
Depends which Saturn you're talking about: the car? Too metallic. The planet? Too cold. The Sega Saturn console? Not bad, but needs salt.
Sailor Saturn? Um.. I wouldn't know, perv! Too young for me!
(http://nightdreams.nhjm.net/sailormoon/saturn12.jpg)
How is it that Mario can jump so high? Or Luigi for that matter?
Don't you know? There's zero gravity in the mushroom kingdom.
Me fail english?
is this sailor Mercury? she so cute :thumbup:
Quote from: diamondwaspvenom on June 03, 2010, 08:34:20 AM
Don't you know? There's zero gravity in the mushroom kingdom.
Me fail english?
You dun. But there always chance at Ebonics!
When you first had a sno-cone, were you disappointed that it came in a paper cone and not an ice cream cone?
I was only disappointed that I got the yellow sno-cone.
Why won't Alyson Hanigan return my calls?
I'll roll over and ask her.
What kind of batteries do you put in a vibraphone?
Quote from: AndyC on June 06, 2010, 08:12:43 AM
I'll roll over and ask her.
What kind of batteries do you put in a vibraphone?
C Sharp.
Does this milk smell funny to you?
Are you sure that is milk? Milk doesn't usually come from bulls.
How could Beethoven compose great symphonies if he was deaf?
He didn't! He was writing a novel, but his handwriting was so bad it looked like musical notes and a friend saw it and thought: "Huh! These are some good symphonies!"
The rest is history.
Why didn't the Beatles ever team up with Jerry Lee Lewis to make a musical?
Because "Sergeant Pepper's Great Balls Of Fire" didn't sound all that great.
How do you spell relief?
M-I-C-H-A-E-L-B-A-Y-R-E-T-I-R-E-S
If mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy, what do stallions, bucks and full-grown sheep eat?
Each other, since all the oats and ivy are gone.
Alms for an ex-leper?
Sorry, but no. I only give alms to the pre-poor.
Why does showering feel best in the early morning?
It helps wash out the booze smell from last night.
Why are Zingers (the mini-cakes) called Zingers?
Pingers didn't have the right zing to it.
What is the best way to cook chipmunk tail muscle?
No one knows. Before you can collect enough to cook, you starve to death. It's kinda like that Tootsie Pop conundrum.
Why do people jump to conclusions?
Quote from: Derf on June 07, 2010, 12:52:08 AM
No one knows. Before you can collect enough to cook, you starve to death. It's kinda like that Tootsie Pop conundrum.
Why do people jump to conclusions?
Why are you directing that question at me? You're always trying to discredit me somehow. I must really threaten you.
Why do directors keep casting Nicolas Cage in movies?
If they don't, they wake up with severed animal heads. It's a Coppola thing.
What the heck is retsyn, and why do I care if I get a glistening drop of it?
It's a mix of copper gluconate and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, and it makes a refreshing "ding" sound when it's in your mouth.
Why is poop called "stool"? Isn't that something you sit on in a kitchen?
I hope not!
Would Shatner and Seagal be a good pairing for a father-son movie?
Only if it's at a ham farm.
Who is the wind beneath my wings?
I'm not sure, but I'm more interested in finding out who broke wind beneath your wings.
What were Dementias 1-12?
Francis Ford Coppola's multiple personality disorder.
Why didn't they call the sequel to Saturday the 14th Sunday the 15th, instead of Saturday the 14th Strikes Back?
Time for you to hear the truth: There never was a movie called Saturday the 14th to begin with! In fact you went insane 10 years ago and dreamed the whole thing up.
If tulips are named after the human mouth, what flowers are named after the human foot?
'dog'wood
If a pregnant mother gets her nipples pierced, will the baby have too much difficulty nursing and starve?
Only if she's too stupid to mix up formula. In which case the baby is also likely stupid, so maybe starvation is a good alternative.
When did Tom Cruise finally lose all touch with reality?
When he started making All The Wrong Moves.
Would it be a curse or a blessing for a guy to have two penises?
Two is the limit. After one in the mouth and one up the butt, it starts to get uncomfortable.
Is oatmeal really the right thing to do?
Yeah, if you're over 70. Otherwise, chicken fried steak is the way to go.
What the hell does Iko Iko mean?
It means "It's better to sweat like a dog than to have diarrhea".
What would you do with a box filled with sand and rocks?
I would use the rocks to break windows and pour the sand down my pants.
How do you let her down easy?
With a block and tackle.
Doctor who?
He's on first.
What the heck is wrong with Steve Buscemi's face?
His mouth area makes him look like a mutated rat.
Why do braces make some girls look hot?
Because now we stare at her boobs when she smiles
(http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/rsxfolife/Wtf.png)
With black magic.
What is this I don't even....
It's nothing. The rhinos stomped it into a green mess.
What would you do if you ran the zoo?
I would include more zombies, mutants and redneck dinosaurs. Plus, any employee who does a crappy job gets fed to the vicious sewer salmon.
What's this weird thing growing on my face?
A mischeivous grin.. what did you do?!
If poop were a sentient being, what would its favorite food be?
Having given birth to a sentient poo or two, I can authoritatively say they like flies. And Starbucks.
Why are rubber chickens funny?
Because their limbs are so ridiculouly flexible that they flail about effortlessly when you shake one. Kind of why I laugh at Olive Oyl.
Okay.. if PEE were a sentient being, what would be its favorite food?
Hot dogs. Pee has issues.
How many crusts must a pie leave out before you can call it a flan?
42, according to Hans Blaagenzflaatz's book Candidates for the Ultimate Question.
Blaagenzflaatz? What kind of a stupid, made-up name is Blaagenzflaatz?
I don't know, but it sounds like he needs a colonic.
Does it enhance the taste of food if you yell "BAM!" when you season it?
No, it makes people think you nuked it.
Does anything cost exactly one penny anymore?
Yes....YO MAMA!
Question? What question?
To be or not to be - that is the question.
Will this heat wave ever end?
Whether 'tis nobler in the sun to suffer
Or enter a dwelling with air conditioning
Or to take a fan and wave it briskly at oneself
And, by fanning, to cool. To cool,
Perchance to sweat less; Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished.
So the answer is, um, not anytime soon.
Did Little Bunny Foo Foo act alone, or was there a squirrel on the grassy knoll?
He wasn't the only one antagonizing field mice; they're at the bottom of the food chain. They were lucky he only bopped 'em on the head.
Why do we pronounce "bologna" as "baloney"? Didn't baloney mean nonsense?
Quote from: retrorussell on June 16, 2010, 05:23:24 AM
Why do we pronounce "bologna" as "baloney"? Didn't baloney mean nonsense?
Being italian, i pronounce it "bologna". (as in "piranha", if u r wondering) :teddyr:
*answering retrorussel's question*:
Silence! We do not question such things! The Great Slimy One will not be pleased with your rebellion against the norm.
I am locked in a room with a ruler, an orange and a spider with rabies. What do I do?
What you should do any time you're locked in a room - masturbate. Just stay away from the spider.
Why does Hollywood keep trying to make a hero out of Shia LaBoeuf?
To make him feel better about his goofy name.
Is the Nightmare On Elm Street remake any good?
'Tis a decent film, but a stoned parrot can make a better movie.
Should I bow down to the psychic pteranodons?
That depends. If you're British, their powers might not work on you.
What is the most polite way to fart loudly when in mixed company?
Loudly shout "FIRE IN THE HOLD!", lift your leg, and let 'er rip. It will make you the life of the party - trust me.
Will BP CEO Tony Hayward ever get his life back?
Only after doing a series of gay oil porn videos. But by then, he won't really want it any more.
Why hasn't anyone marketed a device that will let automobiles shoot a marker (paint or some such) onto the cars of drivers who do something monumentally stupid or overly aggressive (like veer across three lanes of highway to exit or cut me someone off) to mark them so that other drivers know to watch out for them?
There are devices that will do that, but they require you to follow the guy home and wait until he goes to bed.
Why does soup get that skin on top?
Because Hannibal Lecter prefers that over croutons.
What do gerbils think when they see a balloon?
"Is that what I look like if I get put in a microwave?"
Can I Haz Cheezburger?
No. Weez only haz cheeze sammiches.
What kind of crap are you people selling?!
Complete and utter worthless crap---but because I like your face, I'm going to give you 25% off our already low, low price.
Shouldn't we all be hailing the new flesh by now?
Yeah, but all this "internet" thing came along, and it got cancelled.
(singing) When you wake up in the moring what's the first thing that you see?
A big white ceiling staring down at me. (end of song line)
What do you do when you're so sick you have to vomit and expel diarrhea at the same time, to keep it from going everywhere?
If you're like many people I know, your head is already up your a$$, so there isn't any real difference between the pukes and the runs. :tongueout:
Is it true that Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy are mysteriously linked by a series of bizarre coincidences?
That's what the CIA wants you to believe, man. They want you thinking about that, so you don't notice the coincidences linking Jimmy Carter and William Howard Taft. That's some real serious s**t, man.
Ever seen a horse fly?
Sure. My cow launcher ran out of cows, so I had to use horses instead.
Who was that on the phone?
No, who's on first. If he's on the phone, then he's off the team.
Can flaming monkeys really fly out of my backside?
Don't know. You wouldn't happen to be the Goatse guy, would you?
What is the secret to financial independence?
Matching all the Lotto numbers.
If Freddy Vs. Jason were a musical, would you go see it?
Only if it included the Toxic Avenger, the Hobgoblins, PLUS redneck dinosaurs.
May I ask why are you eyeing the cat?
Because I'm hungry.
May I ask you a question?
No.
Is this your card?
It is now.
Excuse me?
Let me repeat myself: I deepfried the hamster.
Do you know the underpants man?
He lives a couple of blocks down from Drury Lane, over by the Hershey Highway.
What do you do with a drunken tailor?
Put him in the remnants bin 'til he's sober, earlye in the morning.
What made Henry Hudson's crew mutiny and set their captain adrift?
lot's of rocks but no scotch.
Have you had your chill pill today?
I tried, but it was overly chill and stuck to my tongue.
What wine goes best with haggis and beans?
Genfiddich 18.
Where are the snows of yesteryear?
What a flaky question!
What's in the restored scene of METROPOLIS?
Clark tell Lois he's Superman
Why is this thread popular?
It's extremely easy to sew with.
Ever seen a salad dressing?
Yes. I had a restraining order put on me after.
Do amoebas have souls?
Amoebas are one-souled protozoans.
What are you wearing?
My wife's patience.
What is that liquid stuff in the middle of golf balls?
Its the bi-product involved with making baby golfballs
Is anyone sitting here?
No.. just mind the whoopie cushion.
Why did it take both Jack and Jill to fetch a single pail of water?
Because Jack is one weak little S.O.B. And Jill is using a whip on him to get him to do his chores.
Want a screw?
Depends on the size of the slot.
Why did the chicken cross Al Capone?
Because it didn't find the road.
Why is Hollywood determined to destroy everything I love?
You accidently ran over Hollywood's cat and now Hollywood's gonna make you pay....
Where's my mobile?
Hanging over your crib.
What would Bela Lugosi think of Twilight?
He would be so enraged by what it has done to the vampire image that he would send Lobo to destroy Stephanie Meyer and all the cast and crew.
Did you really think this was all about the girl?
Well, I kissed a girl (and I liked it), but she just wanted to have fun. However, she couldn't tell me what she wants, what she really, really wants. If she knew what she wants, I'd be giving it to her. We talked, and you should hear how she talks about you; you should hear what she's saying! But I'm a wanderer (they call me The Wanderer), so I gotta be rambling on. By the time I get to Phoenix, she'll be waking. Then, it's Surf City, U.S.A., where there's two girls for every boy!
How does one become a rocket scientist?
Kind of a moot point, since you don't have to be one for so many things.
Doctor who?
The guy on first is apparently a doctor now!
Did you forget to wipe?
Of course not. I used your nice, new white shirt. Here, you can have it back now.
How stupid can you be?
I don't understand the question.
Why does a baby buggy need rubber bumpers anyway?
So it will survive intact when a car hits it.
What was Journey's best song?
It was that one, with the short guy singing about some girl. It went, "La LA lalala" or something like that.
Why didn't Gilligan ever put the moves on Mary Ann? She was sooo into him.
Because he was into Skipper. The petname "Little Buddy" was a dead giveaway to their forbidden love.
Which is better: Columns or Tetris?
Columns, because without them the roof would have fallen in on me long ago.
Why won't the traffic allow everything about show business to be appealing?
Because the traffic has seen Kevin Costner "act."
How now, brown cow?
He brown because he's been rolling in his own pies again.
How's your family been?
My family's fine ~ my mom sends regards to all here. Just btw: that wasn't actually a stupid question, it was rather nice in fact. :smile:
Why did FIFA decide to hold the Soccer World Cup in what is winter here? :question:
In hopes that the players will show off some sassy legwarmers.
Was Freud a genius or just an old pervert?
A pervert, but a genius of perversion.
Do we really want the buffalo gals to come out tonight?
No, because the male buffaloes will think that we stole them from them and will attack us.
Why is Smurfette such a slut?
Because she's the only woman in the village. I mean, what do you expect?
Will there be triumph for my magic steel?
Sadly, no.. Triumph is currently booked at a small-town county fair.
Do you have embarrassing itches?
I'm proud of all my itches.
What do you get when you cross a marmoset with a hippopotamus?
The proverbial 500-pound gorilla that sits wherever it wants to.
Why does the moon follow me when I walk at night?
Quote from: Derf on July 05, 2010, 10:35:47 PM
Why does the moon follow me when I walk at night?
Because your real name is Larry Talbot, not what I know it is. :smile:
What on earth am I going to do after the Soccer World Cup is over? :question:
You'll play with your underpants. Probably.
What has been the holy Diver doing in the midnight sea?
Playing with his cockles and mussels.
Ever stick your finger in a light socket?
Oh, that question is too kinky for me to answer it.
Where is the Land of Immortals?
Washington, D.C. Oh, wait Immortals. Sorry; missed the "t." That would be Valhalla. Or maybe Des Moines.
If a dog could speak cat language, would a cat still ignore it?
Naturally. Cats are smug, arrogant little bastards.
Why didn't Post Cereals make more flavors of "Pebbles" besides Cocoa and Fruity?
Because after the guy who invented them proposed Corny Pebbles, they figured out he was thinking them up in the John and fired him.
How much margarine do you think the average barn cat could eat?
One pat for each pat on the head.
If Bernie Mac and Tammy Faye Baker had a child, what would it look like?
They did; you know her as Sandra Bernhard. And no, I'm not posting a picture. That woman is hideous.
Who would win a fight between Guitar Hero and the Industrial Revolution?
The industrial revolution.. as cool as Guitar Hero is, it's just a game.
...
OR IS IT!!!! (seeing notes speeding toward me over frets appearing from out of the sky)
What was Ms. Pac-Man's name BEFORE she married Pac-Man?
There is no Ms. Pacman. Only Pacman in drag.
What is exactly the magic of the wizard's dream?
It's a marketing slogan dreamt up by the United Sorcerer's Council.
Does what happens in Vegas really stay in Vegas?
Depends on how embarrassing the act was.. if it's particularly noteworthy, then EVERYONE in and outside of Vegas can find out about it, thanks to the press/media.
Can someone put a moratorium on the phrase "Sounds like THAT'S right up your alley"? Yuck!
Sure! I'll do it! Moratoriums are right up my alley um, narrow passages between buildings!
Is it ever considered polite to pass gas in an elevator?
If the person next to you stinks worse than your farts, you're definitely doing them a favor.
Do you say tah/may/to or do you say tah/mah/to?
Stephane Mattheau was an hero in New York in 1994.
Why does the moon look like cheese?
Because I said so.
How long will it take for you to notice that I'm just taking power metal songs and phrase them as a question?
till tomorrow
How come in oc babes and the slasher of zombietown there are no zombies?
There are. It's us, the audience.
Do you think Ken Russell took drugs?
Naw, he didn't need drugs to make cool movies. All he had was a little help from a purple alien leprechaun.
Why isn't christianity called Jesusism?
At the time people wanted to avoid confusion between Jesus Christ and Jesus Abelson, then a popular Jerusalem haberdasher.
They've made lots of lesbian vampire movies, but why hasn't anyone ever made a lesbian Frankenstein movie?
They tried, using parts from Slumber Party Massacre to make the ladies necessary, but they couldn't find any brains to put into the corpses.
Where do the wild things go?
Off in the wild blue yonder and the wild wild west.
Why aren't there more fish in your pool?
Because im really ugly?
Do you believe in magic?
Yes, it's in a young girl's heart - so I've heard.
Don't you know about the bird?
I was given it once or twice. It's not really that cool.
Is Sally Struthers still really, really fat?
Sure but she stays thin in reruns.
Does Ice spin off of asteroids?
No, but The Jeffersons spun off of All in the Family.
Can Progressive really save me money on car insurance?
No, but they can make flying saucer rentals cheap, cheap, cheap!
Exactly "why don't we do it in the road"
Because you'd get trampled by chickens crossing the road.
How you like me now?
Just fine. Pass me another.
Why is it Crisps in Britian and Chips here?
Because the French will sue if they're called French Fries.
Is your best friend really your one-boy cuddly toy, your up, your down, your pride and your joy?
Nope. I'm not really into boy-toys. It's just me and my shaaaaaaaadow, strolling down the aaavenue.
Who knows what evils lurk in the hearts of men?
Women.
Why do fools fall in love?
There's one born every minute.
Why did the cat come back?
He heard the can opener.
Where the hell do they get the "Dr." in Dr. Pepper from? And what does pepper have to do with a soda?
Dr. Larry Eairhart, thats where the taste comes in. The pepper is to make you sneeze.
If Manos hands are fate, what are his other body parts?
His feet are luck, his legs are charity, his arms are tyranny, his eyes are dreamy, his mouth is vulgarity, his nose is speed (because it runs, get it? Get it? huh?), his hair is recession, and his man part is, well, unfortunate.
Why is Winnie called "the Pooh"?
He's a coprophile.. his name got an "h" added to the end so kids wouldn't get suspicious.
What does SEGA stand for?
Satan Enjoys Grandma's Apples
Why do squids ride motorcycles?
As a means of escape from the rock lobster.
If pigs fly, how do we catch them to get ham, bacon and sausage?
One word...SKEET!
where is the worm in a wormhole?
At the end of the Duniverse. (Oh sorry, that was bad wasn't it? :lookingup: :bouncegiggle:)
If Wendy's isn't fast food, what is it?
Colon cleanser.
If a paper boy flings newspapers and a monkey flings poo, what does a Highland Fling?
Sheep.
Are Klingons really sticky?
Only after certain occasions
Why can't I have more bourbon?
Because the last time I let you have it it went all over my front. :drink:
Genki desu ka?
Bless you!
How do they get the caramilk inside the Caramilk bar?
With tawdry promises of carnal (caramel?) pleasure.
What is the best time to pop a blister?
When people are trying to eat.
If the world were flat, where would the edges be located?
Just beyond the rim of the turtle shell.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Quote from: Newt on August 26, 2010, 06:24:08 AM
Just beyond the rim of the turtle shell.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Yes, but those dreams do not compute and they are usually bahhhhhhhd dreams. :wink:
When am I going to go on leave? 1 October 2010 seems so far away.....
Well, October 1st is here. Now's your time to shine.
Am I too young to fall in love?
A fool only knows.
What's eating Gilbert Grape?
A giant talking pastrami sandwhich!
Whats the terminal velocity of a badger?
Depends how hard you kick it.
What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?
Walk to the freezer and get one. It's not that hard.
You and what army?
THE ARMY OF DARKNESS!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Did I scare you? :tongueout:
No.. now, Michael Bolton's voice.. that's what REALLY scares me. THE HORROR!!!
Why the hell is Crispin Glover so damn weird?
It's because he's always high on pop rocks. Those things will kill 'ya.
Who holds the keys to the seven gates?
The Key Master-- Rick Moranis.
Do sheep get turned on when you shear them?
Only if you look like Gene Wilder. (Sorry Allhallowsday)
What is the cut off age for a cougar?
The day she finds a sugar daddy.
Why'd it have to be snakes?
Liquid was busy.
Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!
I think he's dead.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Take a left at Albuquerque.
Is it starve a cold and feed a fever, or feed a cold and starve a fever?
Feed a cold. A fever won't let you keep food down.
Are you a bowler, and if so, how big are your balls?
No, but they are the size of church bells.
Spearmint or fruit?
The fruit insulted me. I'll spear the fruit.
Do flies make good pets?
Only if properly house trained and taken for a walk three times a day.
Why is there no snow in Phoenix?
'Cause it never snows in southern Arizona. Seems I've often heard that kind of talk before.
Which kills quicker- chocolate to dogs or Alka-Seltzer to ducks?
Feeding a horse to an old lady*.
HAve you ever seen a dream walking?
*KARMA to whomever gets this first. :teddyr:
Well, I did.
Do you know why she swallowed the fly?
To feed the frog she swallowed earlier.
Has the phrase "Where's the beef?" been used in porn?
The actresses constantly used that phrase when I did amateur porn in the 90s.
What religious figure would make the best pro wrestler?
Friar Tuck
What's water really taste like?
Thats depends on what fish it passed through first.
Whats the biggest problem monsters have when eating people?
Bones get stuck in their teeth.
Why hasn't Super Mario Bros.: The Musical been made?
Bob Hoskins has a sore thoat.
Why is technicolour 'glorious' ?
Watch porn in black and white and get back to me on that.
What is Doggett's problem?
E's bloody British! :buggedout:
Why is the sky blue but the air isn't?
Well, if Blue Sunshine makes you insane, breathing blue air would really be a bad idea.
Since bringing back nostalgic things is all the rage these days, will they bring back New Coke?
only after they bring back my brain!
Am I goin' mad?
No, you're goin back to Cali. Why did the pervert cross the road?
to listen to Erasure.
Can it be true?
Yes, Santa Claus is not real.
Are Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal back together again?
Yes, but since Heath Ledger died it just doesn't have the same spark..
Why don't they put maple syrup on waffle cones?
Same reason why the don't put waffle syrup on maple cones.
What is the point of Facebook?
To look up your ex-girlfriends and hope they got fat or had ugly kids.
Why are chicken and waffles such a nice combo?
Because a chicken looks like a waffle after being run over (while crossing the road) by an 18-wheeler with new tires.
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a spiral-cut ham?
382!
How cute should Derf's avatar be?
Just cute enough so that it doesn't distract us from his posts.
This has probably been asked before, but---lagomorphs: menace, or underutilized resource?
neither, only used and abused underpants from South Africa.
Why did Robocop have a retarded cousin?
so we could have the greatest bmovie of all time-RoboRetard. Do these pants make my butt look big?
No, but it gives you a tiny cameltoe.
Why is Justin Bieber aiming for older crowd now?
He wants to see cougar boobs.
Why does most healthy food taste like cardboard?
All the ingredients were influenced by healthy pancakes left behind by mysterious aliens.
Why do you suppose no one has fell in and out of a dimensional porthole in front of a camera?
Quote from: xJaseSFx on January 23, 2011, 01:40:30 PM
Why do you suppose no one has fell in and out of a dimensional porthole in front of a camera?
Because it's hard to fall sideways into a ship.
Arrrr Billy! Have ye ever been to sea?
No maty! But I's knows who lives in de pineapple under the sea!
What does it take to be the best?
Fur, claws, maybe horns.... Oh wait. That's what it takes to be a beast.
Is it really right? Is it really, really feelin' right?
Stop talking to me that way, I'm not your mother.
Was Dr. Seuss on something when he wrote his books?
A chair, I think.
Did you ever see a rose with a booger in its nose, down by the bay?
No, but I did see Mama Cass with a mumu in her a$$, singing on a stage.
Who would win in a fight: The Incredible Hulk or Tinkerbelle?
Tinkerbell. She's small enough to fly up his butt and cause all kinds of intestinal damage with her magic. Poor sap will be too sick to fight.
Are there any farts that smell good?
Well, after the fight, Hulk's farts would probably smell like fairy flowers for a while. :tongueout:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A hippo!
What happens if you spend too much time on the internet?
i think you are the poster child for that one already
What is this kalidoscopic thing?
Trevor's underpants?
What is Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign about?
She was a big fan of musical chairs.
How does too much sex make you blind?
Quote from: claws on January 24, 2011, 12:49:38 AM
Trevor's underpants?
:teddyr: :teddyr:
The pieces of them don't add up to a pretty picture at all. :buggedout: :buggedout:
Quote from: retrorussell on January 24, 2011, 03:13:54 AM
How does too much sex make you blind?
Oh you don't want to find out. It's very embarrassing explaining it to the emergency room staff.
Why is snow white?
I don't know, ask the dwarfs.
Did Jack Tripper ever have a threesome with his roommates?
Only when Larry and Mr Roper stayed over.
How many toads must a man wolf down, before you would call him an ambulance?
One. That is, if the ambulance can get by the toad block.
Will The Twilight Saga: Eclipse win any Oscars?
I don't know about that, but Oscar the Grouch will probably get a lot of copies of Twilight: Eclipse.
How did that tune go?
Tah tah taaaah doobie doot doot
Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico?
Yes, but it's the beginning of Suave.
Who kicked your ass today again?
Myself though getting my foot there is challenging in my old age.
What is that green crap growing in the fridge?
That's mold growing on the brown crap you were saving to put in a paper bag and light on fire on your mother-in-law's front porch.
Who was that woman I saw you with last night?
That was my sister. There was.. um.. something in her eye..
Why do dogs smell each other's butts?
To check for landmines.
Why did you kill Kenny?
It's the bastard in me.
Can you imagine us together?
Sorry, Rev, I just wanna be friends.
What did the nun say to the rabbi?
Does it count as praying if my legs are in the air and I'm screaming, "Oh God"?
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
I don't do no favors for no Klondike Bars.
Has Camel Joe gotten emphysema yet?
No, but he does have a sore camel toe. Who the hell was in my room last night?
NPD as usual.
Why did Oprah never mention her long-lost half-sister before?
Do not question the Oprah. No one questions the Oprah and lives to tell the tale.
Why do they let idiots drive (usually in front of me)?
Because I get paid $50 everytime an idiot gets their license. :teddyr:
Why do you hear voices?
Are you kidding? Have you seen the size of my ears?
How low can you go?
I've laughed at old ladies falling, thats pretty low.
Why do people lick ice cream?
Otherwise their false teeth would get stuck in it: I have them, trust me, I know. :buggedout:
When can I give DS and everyone else on this board a hug?
When you clean your underwear.
Why is Toby Meguire making this face on my signature?
The person next to him farted.
Where's my beer?
In the refrigerator, and it'll stay there until you get off your lazy backside and get it yourself.
What do you do with a drunken tailor, early in the morning?
make him sew his own underwear.
Can Bane kill Chuck Norris?
Only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
When theres no squishy feeling when they walk
Why do people pay for bottled water?
Because they're too lazy to fill a bottle with water.
Why can't gum be a penny a ball anymore?
Because gum factories are lacking balls.
Why doesn't Heidi Klum use 'Potty Words' around her Kids?
Because she can't; they were taken away after that Guitar Hero: World Tour commercial.
Where in the world is Bob Saget?
Next to Jimmy Hoffa.
How big was Pee Wee's adventure?
About 2.5 oz according to the Theater manager.
Kate Hudson thinks she's having a girl. What do you think?
I think she's having a cow.
Is my chocolate in your peanut butter, or is your peanut butter in my chocolate?
My foot is in your ass for making a Family Guy joke.
What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?
Probably go to the store and buy one.
Do you like green eggs and ham?
only in a boat, sitting next to a goat, with a gun in my hand, killing Sam I am!
Is it true- Is it going to happen- is the chocolate people going to invade earth?
Hey! I resent that racist remark!
(http://pol.moveon.org/images/candidates/obama.jpg)
Where the hell IS Waldo?
In Hawaii
why doesn't my vacuum work?
Because you are trying to vaccum up Trevors Underpants. Why do people stil eat lima beans?
Because Soul Food rules! (Sorry if that wasn't a stupid answer. I love Lima Beans :teddyr:)
Why did Charlie Sheen check in to rehab?
...Because Vegas temporarily banned prostitution.
Do the Blind Dead masturbate to braille?
Only the deaf know.
Sandvich?
Only vis mayonnaise und a pickel und sum musterd.
Do you care about MSG?
Yes, I love the Microsoft Sucks Greatly club!
If a chicken and a half lays an egg in a half in a minute in a half, how long does it take it to get to Mexico?
Depends on if i do not get pulled over for speeding. Is it possible to play Motorhead too loud?
only if Jack tells you to turn it up.
Can a Chihuahua kill someone?
Sure. Them suckers can chew your ankles off!
When Snow White said "Someday my Prince will come", did she mean Prince Roger Nelson?
No, just Prince.
(http://www.bolgernow.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/prince-purple-cu.jpg)
Where is the coldest place on earth?
In Phoenix, Arizona, during the summer.
Who framed The Kool-Aid Man?
The fine picture-framers at Hobby Lobby. 1/2 price today through Wednesday!
Can I have a cookie?
If you washed behind your ears this morning like a good boy.
Why is the Lone Ranger's horse called Silver?
Quote from: retrorussell on January 30, 2011, 09:34:13 PM
If you washed behind your ears this morning like a good boy.
Why is the Lone Ranger's horse called Silver?
Because Silver would never be able to live up to the Lone Ranger's old horse, Gold.
Why is it so cold in here even though the heater's on?
Because SOME people were born in a barn!
Why is it called French kissing, and not some other nationality?
The same reason why French Fries are called French Fries: Product Value.
Is Doggett Cheating with Elvira with Belatrix LeStrange? :buggedout: :buggedout:
No, he's cheating on Ann Wilson with Bebe Le Strange.
Why do men have nipples?
To prepare for old age when men get fat and grow moobs.
Do pretty girls fart and poo?
No, only the ugly ones do.
Are Prince William and Kate Middleton North America bound?
Actually they're bound to North America; S&M is getting weirder these days...
What did the pig say to the horse after the farmer quit his job?
Its Party Time! How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
One limp twig.
New Kids On The Block member Jonathan Knight came out of the closet. Was it a walk-through closet?
Yes. It leads to Narnia.
What does "pig in a poke" mean?
Bacon for breakfast.
How now, brown cow?
Pretty bad. The cow lives in Egypt.
Where's Waldo?
On the bus. David Lee Roth told him to sit down.
If you had a hammer, a bell and a song, how would YOU use them?
I would MacGyver up a Saw-like torture device.
If there are three apples in one basket, and I eat one, how many apples are left?
Enough to grow fangs and retaliate by talking huge chomps out of 'ya.
Papers? Does everyone have papers?
Because no one wants to wipe their butt on DVDs.
Why's Johnny Rotten ?
Your answer is inside Johnny's mouth.
Why did Tom Hanks join Facebook?
To post pictures of his "Big" "Bachelor Party" he had in "Philadelphia".
Can dogs look up?
Yes. They do it all the time while humping your leg.
Why is Andrew Garfield in the "Spider-Man: REBOOT" but not Toby McGuire?
Because Toby got the BOOT.
Mariah Carey is having twins. How was that possible?
Well, when a man and woman love each other very much (or at least get very drunk together), they go into a dark bedroom (or an alley) and pray to the north star, which sends a stork 9 months later to leave a baby in a cabbage patch. The stork then e-mails the man and woman that the baby is there, at which point the woman gets all gooey and the man panics and runs for the hills, unless he is trapped by the woman and is forced to live with her forever.
Anyone for tennis?
No. You don't want to see ME in shorts!
Batman: "WHERE IS HE?!"
Playing a game of Poker with Clayface and half of Motley Crue.
...How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was out of its mind from a 2-week meth binge?
Seven.
Do I frighten you?
No.. Rosanne singing the national anthem has blocked out all other potential for fear for me.
If Ronald McDonald and The Burger King had a child, what would it look like?
(http://witneyman.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/cesar-romero-joker.gif?w=320&h=240)
Who wears short shorts?
Angus Young.
Were Frodo and Sam really lovers?
Only in the extended movies.
Why are bad movies still being made?
So badmovies.org won't die.
Who took my Nutella?
I have it. I don't think you're going to want it back after what I did with it.
Where the hell did Tim Curry's career go?!
Down the storm drain where Pennywise hides.
Why are pubic hairs curly?
would you have it straight?
Is it hammer time?
Only after a couple of screwdrivers.
Metro 911 - where is your emergency?
In the bedroom-- my wife.. um.. won't let me pull out! I'M STUCK!!!
If Cream of Sum Yung Gai was a real dish, who was the "gai" that made it?
isn't obvious, it's from an AARDVARK!
can I kill my English teacher yet?
NO!!! English teachers are gifts from God. You should cherish every moment you spend with him/her. Unless he/she is one of the really bad teachers. Then, well, let's just say that I didn't see anything.
What is the difference between a pile of chicken manure and [insert the name of your least favorite political pundit here]?
one's dumber than chicken s**t.
Is it Carnival season yet?
No... it's duck season.
Can Godzilla and Gamera together beat Goku and Vegeta?
At chess? Sure.
What's this super bowl they keep talking about?
The God of porcelain that keeps your drunk vomit from going everywhere. It's a lifesaver!
Green Bay or Pittsburgh?
Pittsburgh. Steel beats cheese.
Why does Root Beer taste so good?
Had to edit head went somewhere else for a second.
cuz Barq's has bite!
Can someone through me a King Cake?
I would, but then I wouldn't have any.
Why must I, ruler of all I survey (i.e., one small bedroom, and then only when my wife isn't here :tongueout:), be ill?
Because you mocked Run DMC.
Why did the guy with a brand new key avoid the girl with a brand new pair of roller skates?
Because the PMSing b*tch has wheels and he needs a place to lock himself in.
What is your name, quest, and the average speed of an unladen swallow?
My name is Sir Derfalot. My quest is to seek nachos. The average speed of an unladen swallow is classified information, only available on a "need to know" basis, and you, my friend, do not "need to know."
When did it become fashionable to be fashionable?
Let me ask Miss Etiquette for you.
'Glee' announced summer concert dates. How do you feel about that?
I feel like forcing a bowel movement, thanks.
Why do witches burn?
Because they weigh the same as a duck! Err... No. That's Wrong. Screw it.
If 42 means life, 69 means sex and 666 means evil, what numbers mean death, abstinence, and good?
0, 11 & 777 cause 0 is the end of the countdown, 11's straight-laced and 777 is a step above.
Why do trolls riddle?
To keep themselves distinct from the Goblins in Nilbog
Who wants to be a millionaire?
Me, me and me!
How can you tell the difference between regular s**t and holy s**t?
Holy sh!t rises to the top of the water (aka floaters)
What do chocolate eggs have to do with Easter?
The easter bunny gives birth to them when he's feeling sick..
Why do people say "pass" the salt when you're just supposed to hand it to them?
Because "Hand me the salt" takes more time to say. And people that don't get up and get it themselves are lazy to begin with.
Have you PAID the pied piper?
No, moneybags retrorussell did. :wink:
Has it ever snowed in South America?
Only once when Pablo left the freezer open.
Should Miley Cyrus continue smoking salvia?
No I think she (and Justin Bieber) should smoke mustard gas.
u liek mudkipz?
Nein! Herr Pikachu ist mein favorit! ...HILFE! ICH BIN BLIND DE!!!
What's shaking?
I'm freezing. Shut up. :tongueout:
Can we ever get along?
only if someone glues us together! :tongueout:
Is it time?
No. It's PEANUT BUTTER JELLLY TIME!!
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f199/heckyeah81/banana_dancing.gif) (http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f199/heckyeah81/banana_dancing.gif) (http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f199/heckyeah81/banana_dancing.gif) (http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f199/heckyeah81/banana_dancing.gif) (http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f199/heckyeah81/banana_dancing.gif) (http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f199/heckyeah81/banana_dancing.gif)
I can haz cheezburger?
No, sorry we're all outta burgers!
Bagels?
Sorry, this is a kennel. You want "beagles".
Where the hell did you get this jelly donut, Pyle?!
I'm sorry sarge...don't make scrub the latrine again!
Whats in your wallet?
A bunch of dead presidents.
Is Brandy a fine girl, would she make a good wife, and can her eyes steal a sailor from the sea?
Only if her eyes can wield a harpoon
Whats up with whats going down?
It has something to do with the spinning wheel turning round. You should also ride a painted pony while it spins.
What's magic, and why shouldn't you believe it's not so?
Magic n.' "A fictional mystical force", Magic v.' "When Criss Angel hurts himself".
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_FXmTwKZmSts/TPDrV7I901I/AAAAAAAAC9E/DchCVNNBlCE/s1600/monty-python-spanish-inquisition.jpg)
Did you expect that?
Of course. Who wouldn't.
Jennifer Hudson lost 80 pounds. In British currency?
Yes, but she got it back and used it to buy chocolate.
Why is there air?
Because your lungs need something to keep them occupied.
Who peed in your cereal?
The Trix Rabbit. I'll send the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee to sting him to death.
I can tell by the way you use your walk that you're a woman's man. Do you have time to talk?
Quote from: retrorussell on February 10, 2011, 07:02:23 PM
The Trix Rabbit. I'll send the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee to sting him to death.
I can tell by the way you use your walk that you're a woman's man. Do you have time to talk?
Russell, That's Doggett in a wig...
(http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/25/l_09d5fd8a596d4aadbd805b0e731cd034.jpg)
If all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, what does that make him if it's all play and no work?
It makes Jack a dull girl.
How many steps are there in the Statue of Liberty?
The quarterback probably averages 4 or 5 steps backwards before faking a throwing motion, then handing off to the RB/TE/WR in motion, or maybe running with it himself.
What makes the Grand Canyon so grand?
Hugh Grant
Do energy-efficient bulbs make people crazy?
Yes, people screwing less often will make you crazy.
What is soul?
The price you pay me to get ANYTHING in the world you want!
Is there something you'd like to sell your soul for?
A witty answer to that question
Why did they choose George Washington for the one dollar bill?
Because Gandhi was unavailable.
What is π times ∞?
*Pi times infinity
Half of what it used to be.
What is Paris Hilton doing these days?
Staying at the Hilton hotel in Paris.
Does Santa ever get drunk on the job?
He did until he got busted for SUI (Selighing Under the Influence)
Why are all teen dramas the same?
cuz they're all played by emo kids.
Gothic or lace?
Rabies.
Should they kick Kim Kardashian off stage at every Concert she attends?
No just make her go topless to boost sales.
Why isn't Heath Ledger in the new Batman movie?
Because the corpse with the Joker makeup would start to reek and make the other actors and actresses too sick to work.
Do you need a timeout?
No, i need more thyme.
Berries or Cream?
Cream.. Boston or whipped.
Why are sub sandwiches sometimes called Hero sandwiches?
At night they foil crime in the digestive system.
Is a picture really worth a thousand words?
only if you blabber long enough.
what's the speed limit in space?
65 light years per hour. So watch your ludicrous speed!
What does "Adidas" stand for?
A D Is Dead As S!
Have you checked the children?
Yep, and they still haven't hit the expiration date for a couple more days...
Did you ever consider that maybe Waldo and Carmen Sandiego really don't WANT to be found?
Quote from: JayJayM12 on February 15, 2011, 10:54:20 AM
Yep, and they still haven't hit the expiration date for a couple more days...
Did you ever consider that maybe Waldo and Carmen Sandiego really don't WANT to be found?
Yes.
Is there rest for the wicked ones?
Yes. At the wicked hotel.
Will you tell me a bedtime story about a teenage girl that grows three heads, grows the wings of a bat while singing Row Row Your Boat?
Sure. Once upon a time there was a teenaged girl who grew three heads and the wings of a bat while she sang Row Row Row Your Boat. Then Scorpio from Dirty Harry shot her for stealing his song.
Where's Poppa?
in the bathroom, giving a dump.
Flavor of the day?
Stomach acid.
Has anyone seen my nose goblins?
Yes, they are behind the ass trolls.
Johnny Depp doesn't want his kids in showbiz. Why?
Because they'll end up in silly pirate movies.
Why did they start calling vibrators "personal massagers"?
Before they started calling them "Lightsabers", but after they started calling them "The Battery Operated Boyfriend"!
If $10 can buy you a meal at McDonalds, what can $20 buy you?
Two meals!.....Or, a better fast food place than McDonald's.
Which is funnier, bananas or cheese?
Bananas, because they're slightly phallic.
What's your ancient Chinese secret?
My family was in league with Ching-Chong-Ding-Dong.
Who comes into my house of pain?
A masochist, and he's very disappointed.
Who do you think you are?
Mister Bigstuff
Do you have that money you owe me?
Here's a shiny new Lincoln.
(http://images.chron.com/blogs/keepthefaith/penny.jpg)
Don't spend it all in one place.
Do you love to singa about the moona and the Junea and the Springa?
no, only the Badmovies.orga :tongueout:
Do you know the Doughman, the one who makes doughnuts for all of us on here?
No, but I know the muffin man. He lives on Drury Lane. He's nucking futs.
How many dust bunnies does it take to make one chocolate Easter bunny?
About as many licks as it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop!
So....Just what IS up, doc?
Carrots.
Justin Bieber is against loveless sex and abortion. How will his Beliebers react to that?
It doesn't matter. They're all virgins.
HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!?!
Too many cherrys jubilee in the elevator?
What really killed the beast, Mr. Denham?
Fear of the Unknown.
Why can't you get a bologna sub sandwich at Subway?
Because Oscar Mayer had his way with their b-o-l-o-g-n-a. (spooged in it)
How often does Santa get some tail from Mrs. Claus?
only when Mrs. Claus isn't doing it with Rudolf and the Darksider isn't shooting their house up with an AK-47.
I can tell you're a sea man. tell me, just how many times has The Lochness Monster attacked you?
Once with pitchforks, twice with deadly napalm and about seventy-two times with crappy radio-friendly music.
What's the REAL tragedy in Oedipus The King?
That Jerry Lewis never got the chance to show what he could do with the role.
Was Martin really a vampire?
No. That was just Duke Mitchell's PR people trying to make people believe that Dean Martin sucked.
How could you?!?!?!?!?
Hey! She was hot! I don't CARE if it was your mother!
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Well, I broke a mirror yesterday, so no.
Is that a bird or a plane?
Sally Field
Does female sexuality need to be fixed?
No, just female animals.
Is Andy Capp Al's brother?
No, a clone made of Smoo.
What did Bruce the shark think when he ate Robert Shaw?
Needs salt. (spits salt water on him) Much better!
Who can it be now?
Perhaps it's a Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem.
Which way to America?
Just follow the trail of BK leftovers.
Is trendy East Berlin losing its edge?
no, they just need to switch to Gillette.
If I pushed a clone of someone off a cliff, is it murder?
Perhaps double murder, if the original can feel what the clone feels.
Has anyone made a porn version of Gilligan's Island?
Yes. It's called Jurassic Park: The Lost World.
Should breast-feeding supplies be listed as medical expenses?
no, gov't supplied formula caused a severe case of Smallpox.
is THIS a hard question?
No, you're just happy to see me.
Are Batman and Robin really lovers?
I believe this will answer the question:
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/77/Batbed.png)
Is Superman really in love with Wonder Woman?
That would be quite a STRETCH....oh wait...that's Mr. Fantastic?
Why Lisa, why?
Because he didn't get the promotion. BUT, he did not hit her. He did not. That's bulls*%t, he did not. Oh, hi Mark.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime I am near?
They like s****ing on you. :tongueout:
Do Twizzlers really make your mouth happy?
no, they get me dizzy.
Can this be a boring question?
Yawn...what were you asking?
Where the hell have you been?
digging a hole to dump the dead bodies- i mean, out.......
what would YOU do for a kick in the groin?
Kick you back and [BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] your body with a [BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]!
Why is Anne Hathaway the new Cat Woman?
Cause Lindsay Lohan is too much of an insurance risk.
How much is that doggie in the window?
About 2 kilograms.
Have you ever wanted to hide under a blanket, and stay there forever?
Yes everytime I see Roseanne Barr or Rosie O' Donnell.
Where do the UFOs disappear to when they zip away?
Area 51.
With nostalgia all the rage these days, why don't they bring back the McDLT?
Fear of Cannibalisim?
How did PETA feel about the burning of the man eating tree monsters in THE NAVY VS. THE NIGHT MONSTERS?
they were sad because the socks got burnt.
Do you want it?
If "it"'s what I think "it" is, then yes... but not from you.
Can a movie simultaneously be the best ever made, and the worst?
Yes-it's called PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE.
Why is the sky blue-and the air isnt?
Because the Na'vi got first dips on blue lungs.
What does C3PO stand for?
"Can Three People have an Orgy?" Little Anakin had a dirty mind.
Does doing that make you happy?
No. I'm only happy when I'm killing.
Who framed Roger Rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.. he's jealous because of Jessica.
Did you remember to wash behind your ears?
No, but I did remember to shampoo my nose hair.
Alanis Morissette named her first born Ever Imre. What's a proper name for her next kid?
Son of a b**ch.
If tin whistles are made of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?
Bullfrogs.
Where, oh where has my little dog gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?
I have him. If you ever want to see him again send $5,000 to P.O. Box 3874. If you tell the police I'll send you your Dog's limbs to you in the mail one by one.
How is a raven like a writing desk?
You're better off asking a crow.
Do ghosts fart?
Yes, out of their BOOty...
Who let the dogs out?
I did. I'm holding THOSE dogs hostage too!
WHY ARE YOU TEARING ME APART, LISA?!?!
Because I'm an alien, and while you're at school, I'm gonna shed my human skin and breathe dryer lint!
Why does my dead hamster jack off to Hamtaro?
Because you won't give him any real lovin'.
Why do vampires and werewolves always seem to live in the same village?
They both like to feed on the village people. (Y-M-C-A, it's fun to stay at the, Y-M-C-A..)
Can you do the Donkey Kong?
*Crushes Russell with a barrel* Why yes I can!
Does Justin Bieber have a penis?
No, but my penis has a Justin Bieber. I'm having it removed next Tuesday. Just an outpatient thing.
Does my butt look big in these pants?
We had that very same question before, so my answer shall be the same once again :smile:
No, but it makes your camel toe tiny.
Will jogging hurt an obese person's joints?
Not as much as a morbidly obese person jogging shirtless will hurt everyone else's eyes.
May I go to the movies this afternoon? Please?
only after you eat your vegetables.
I found something. what should i do with it?
Kick it. If it doesn't react or smell tasty it's dead or not worth your time.
Are you a Pepper too?
Nope, but I hope to be a Pepper Three.
What did Miggs say to you?
Miggs is my pet chinchilla. He can't talk.
Can I use your bathroom?
Down the hall and to your right. Don't mind the mess.
Can Dennis come with us?
As long as Mr. Wilson isn't coming.
Did you look both ways before crossing the street?
yes, plus looking up and down and diagonal.
just how was someone able to get 21 mil on Robot Unicorn Attack?
I strongly suspect it was by playing it for a looooooong time.
How creepy is Clint Howard?
He's so creepy he studies Satanism with his computer.
Where did you sleep last night?
Under my bed.
Tannis, anyone?
no, Tennis please.
What....about....the....bus...?
It's leaving right now. Go chase it! Good boy! Yesyouisagoodboy!
Are there still Druids wandering around these days?
Nope, they've all converted to pastafarianism.
We're the bait?
I ate it.
Why the Hell didn't INCEPTION win the Best Motion Picture Award?
Same could be said about Toy Story 3 :bluesad:
What's next for the Tea Party?
Biscuits and gravey.
Should have the King's Speech won all of the Oscars?
No, they didn't prepare an acceptance speech.
Goodnight.. You want the couch or the floor?
I'll take the couch. It goes with my curtains. Besides, the floor would be hard to move.
Which is better: peanut butter and boogers or ranch dressing and snot balls?
I personally mix them all together and they taste just fine
Where is my pen?
I have it. If you want it back send $5.00 to PO Box..... What am I doing?
QUESTION STATED IN PICTURE
(http://i.imgur.com/nddMR.jpg)
^ It should be out of my digestive system in 24 hours.
Where do we go from here?
we go to the restaurant at the end of the universe, I heard their shakes are the best.
should everyone come down to New Orleans for Carnival Season?
No because everyone came down with the flu.
Are Tattoos OK With Psoriasis?
As long as the tattoo says "Gimme some skin!.. Cuz mine sucks".
Why do some people flush before they finished peeing?
To avoid overfilling the bowl
Where were you when I need you most?
Dealing with MY problems! I don't care about you and YOUR problems!
Excuse me sir, do you have any Gray Poupon?
No, but I have grey poop.
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be doing?
Probably living in an East Texas nursing home, battling supernatural creatures alongside Elvis.
Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?
These guys...
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/81/US_Army_CID_raid.jpg)
Why does Easter always seem to fall on a different day?
The Easter bunny is a drunken bum who decided Easter is whenever he feels like doing it. Tell your kids that the Easter bunny is an a***ole.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BOOMER?!
Well, since Carson Palmer doesn't seem happy in Cincinnati they might be open to Boomer coming back.
Is that Santa kissing my dad?
No, your dad's kissing Santa Claus.
Which tastes better, breast milk or ice cream cake?
Depends on the owner of said breast.
Why does Ann Coulter have an adam's apple?
Because it's a man baby!
Where does the world begin?
At north by northwest avenue.
Why does my porcupine delight in eating jewelry?
Must be the Vitamin Bs
Britney Spears raved about Jason Trawick's 'ripped abs'. Would she rave about yours?
Only if she was into "rippled" abs (ripples of flab).
Double quarter pounder with cheese or Big 'N Tasty?
no, a triple quarter pounder from Wendy's.
`el no hable Espanol?
Nope. I'm not an en-hable-er.
Why can't we all just get along, little dogie?
'Cause IIIIIIIIIIII hates that rabbit!
Fiddle Faddle or Crunch 'N Munch?
I prefer Crunch N Munch, cause I tend to pull a hamstring trying to attempt the Fiddle Faddle (but, I try to occasionally throw it in for my wife's sake).
Why do people feel the need to talk about the weather when they're amongst strangers in a public place?
Because talking about the weather when you're by yourself is kind of depressing.
Why Crow? WHY??
Because I'm tired of you saying How Now Brown Cow! :hatred: :wink:
Where's my Queso?!
Right here. You can't have it back.
What the hell are you?
Just your friendly neighborhood furry!
Will you answer this question?
If you supply me with food.
Why do you get so few mozzarella sticks for such an expensive price?
cuz I ate 64,000 orders of them!
Where's Waldo and Carmen San Diego?
In Atlantis playing poker with Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart.*
What is your number one visited website?
*Meant as a joke only, and no offense to anyone was intended.
It used to be this one before your highly offensive comment about Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart! :tongueout:
Can I borrow 5 bucks please?
only if you give me 5.50 plus a T-bone Steak- Well done, please.
Is there another hoedown on the way?
I took down your sister, does that count? (Just a joke)
What do you know?! Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?!
Of course I have. I am a bad movie lover, after all.
Do animals feel guilty when their farts really stink?
Only the females. The males start strutting. Unless they're snakes.
Do snakes fart?
Yes!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msUGvc6Cia0
(http://angrywhitedude.com/wp-content/uploads2/2010/05/are-you-wizard.jpg)
no, I'm a:
(http://i.neoseeker.com/mgv/436139-Triforce%20of%20Wisdom/139/15/lizard_display.jpg)
are YOU the one who killed Kenny?
Nope, my parents were married when I was born...
Donde esta la biblioteca?
en la escuela
Donde esta mis pantalone?
ENGLISH MOTHER f**kER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
What happened to the little kid from Two and A Half Men after Charlie Sheen ended the show?
He is now working for pennies a day in a sweatshop in China.
How many girlfriends does Hugh Hefner have?
My guess, none.
Can a nerve stimulator stop my back pain?
It depends on the cause. If you are experiencing simple muscle fatigue or vertebral displacement, then yes, a nerve stimulator may help with the pain. If you have been stepped on by a giant monster on a rampage, then not so much. If your pain is caused by your wife who simply will not get off your back, then, again, a nerve stimulator will be of no use.
Why is it never lupus?
Because House says it's not Lupus and House is always right.
Where the hell is Solid Snake?
In Liquid Ocelots stomach.
I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come out?
A window. Watch ANDY WARHOL'S BAD for an example.
I wonder.. who's crying now?
Jesus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_wept).
Is childhood obesity such a big problem as people make it out to be?
Not as big as the problem with owners giving their cats cigarettes.
Why don't you people worship Donald Duck like you should?
Because it isn't duck season yet.
Why is there the jerk who always curse for no reason?
Because the gypsy does it with reason.
Why do blessings wear disguises?
Because they're hideously ugly! :buggedout: :buggedout:
Who can answer this?
Frank Tashlin can!
Why are the camels coming to your house?
Not sure. Neither my brother nor I smoke.
Where exactly IS Surf City?
Next to Wipeout Beach.
Here's my question: :question: :question:?
My answer: :bouncegiggle: :buggedout: :hot: :cheers:
Do trees get back up after they've fallen down?
Yes. Then they flood Isengard in revenge.
What manner of fiend are you?
If you'll loan me $5, I'll be your bestest fiend in the whole world.
May I have this dance?
Yes, but it's a disco, so I don't know if you'd want it. :wink: :tongueout:
If today is Pi day, is there ever going to be a Pie day?
Wednesday. That's "hump" day. You can have your "pie" that day.
Why was Yosemite Sam such a d*ck?
His pants are WAAAAAY too tight! It makes him grumpy.
Do I need to construct additional pylons?
You should construct a MEGApylon so that he can fight Sharktopus!
Who do I think I am?
I think you're the reincarnated Dalai Alpaca (sorry, the Dalai Lama is still alive). Do I win a prize?
Where can a guy get a good sandwich in this town?
Downtown in an old, decrepit occult shop. Beware though, every sandwich you buy comes with a terrible curse.
NOOOO! What did they do to you?!
Well, I went into this occult shop and ordered a sandwich. When I came out, I looked like this.
Which way did he go? Which way did he go?
Into my arms, George. Where I will hug you and squeeze you and never let you go.
Do bakers feel unlucky due to a baker's dozen being 13?
Only if they are superstitious :wink:
Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?
The turnip sticking out of your left nostril says yes to me.
Are there some questions that just don't have an answer?
I would say that YOUR question has no answer, but then that would BE an answer, so I think I may have just blown my own mind...
Anyone know a cure for a blown mind?
watch Manos.
When can I get into jail?
As soon as you shoot everybody in sight.
Will they ever make New Pepsi?
I think they'll call it Neo Pepsi!
Why is carnival season over? :bluesad:
In my head, it's ALWAYS carnival season, so it's NEVER over...
Why did I feel the need, in my answer above, to basically say the same thing twice?
Because you fail and ask questions repeatedly.
Who framed Roger Rabbit?
The LAPD of course.
Am I the next American Idol?
Only the metal gods know.
What REALLY killed the dinosaurs?
Time Travel.
How many dimensions are there REALLY?
5.. courtesy of Marilyn McCoo.
Do blind people feel embarrassed when they say, "I see.."
no, they see green, blue, and red line movements then.
What really sunk the Titanic?
The talking animals on board.
Are you trying to seduce me?
In a slutry voice Why yes i am, big boy.. I just grossed myself out :tongueout: :lookingup:
Why aren't you under the podium?
One of Bill Clinton's interns got there first.
If a vegan became a zombie, would he be conflicted about his situation?
No. He would just eat... GRRRAAAAAIIINNNZZZ! HAHA! Umm.... Yeah... I'll go hit myself for making that joke.
Can I let Dave do that?
Of course! Him and Sam are SOUL MEN!
Do women d**che much anymore?
Nah. But they still nag as always. :teddyr: :tongueout:
Are you TRYING to p**s off the volcano god?
NO, I'm just trying to burn the dead bodies!
Excuse me sir, do you have any Gray Pupon?
Someone did this already.. I answered it before and I'll answer it the same way.
No, but I have grey poop.
Has anyone seen Andre Ware lately?
I probably would say it was me if I knew who that was :buggeout:
If you started at the bottom of a mine and worked your way to the top, wouldn't you still be on the ground?
(Andre Ware: Former Quarterback in National Football League, and a terrible one at that)
Not only would you still be on the ground, you'd need a shower in the worst way.
What's the best way to start a fire in your fireplace?
Getting someone else to do it!
Which is better, being an introvert or an extrovert?
Neither; being a pervert is much more fun.
Did you just fart?
Of course. If you don't believe me, just look at the trail of dead people.
Is someone calling me?
yeah, it's me- Where's the-(DWV cuts me off)
Can you come out?
As soon as its dark, yes.
Why is the answer blowing in the wind?
Because the answer is a wind sock.
Mars or Snickers?
Butterfingers.
Will Duke Nukem Forever come out.... Ever?
When the sun ceases to shine, the moon turns blood red and I become the president, THEN it shall be released.
Did you feed the mogwai after midnight?
Yes, to my German Shepherd. He was feeling peckish.
Who would win in a fight: a giant radioactive koi or a plate of Spam?
Spam spam spam the winner is Spam spam spam nothing but spam spam spam..
Wanna play Mad Libs?
NEINE!!!
Why do pretzels hate dolphins? :bluesad:
Because I like pretzels, and I'm a Bills fan.
Did Papa Smurf get it on with Smurfette?
Let's just say the phrase, "Who's your daddy?" was used repeatedly and inappropriately.
Why do superheroes feel the need to wear their underwear outside their tights?
Superhero skit marks are great against bullets.
What kind of person marries someone they don't know?
A smart person.
What the...WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!
Andrew...but he's well armed so, shussssh...
Why did Godzilla cross the ocean?
To battle King Kong on the other side.
Where do UFOs disappear to?
Townsville. The Powerpuff Girls always take care of dem UFOs for us afterwards.
Which is better: Sex or pizza?
Depends on the toppings.
Why do they call the beetle Spanish fly?
Because Spanish Inquisition was already taken. You didn't expect that, did you?!?!?
Why does no one expect the Spanish Inquisition?
Because Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Graham Chapman are instigating it.
My genitalia is growing hair. Is that normal?
Genital hair marks the coming of age, an oft-used theme in Bad Teen Movies. Wanna star in a Bad Teen Movie?
Why doesn't Rhett Butler give a damn?
Because the situation doesn't involve talking warthogs.
Are you a nightchild?
No, I'm a shortly-after-dusk-but-before-it's-actually-night child.
Where did I put my damn keys?!?
In Godzillas nostril.
I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?
......
Um....
......
Oh, a ROAST! He he he.. (whew) Piping hot with just a drizzle of garlic butter. (nice save!)
Which is better: Seinfeld (the series) or Steinfeld's (the pickle)?
Steinfeld's- They make my girlfriends happy and full- Not like that (Pervs :tongueout:)
when's lunch?
About 10-15 minutes after you give me $20 to go down the street and pick it up.
If you found a magic lamp, what would be your first wish?
To be Sober.
Would you like some more...PANcakes?
No thanks, my trashcan is full.
Do you like movies about gladiators?
Only if Steve Reeves is throwing thrones.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Yep, you just gotta take a left turn at Albuquerque.
Did you ever see that movie? The one that starred that guy? And it also had that one chick in it? I think the plot involved that thing? But then this thing happened during that one scene? Do you know what I'm talking about?
A - Hell no. :bouncegiggle: :twirl: :bouncegiggle:
Q - What goes around the world but stays in a corner?
a tv
Quote from: Rev. Powell on March 28, 2011, 08:53:17 PM
Quote from: El Toro Loco on March 28, 2011, 05:07:56 PM
a tv
Did El Toro Loco just decree the game should end?
no, he was in a rush and forgot his question :lookingup:
what was my question?
You asked if waffles could do the macarena.
Well, can they do the macarena?
no, they can only be with the Macadamia
Is the answer 42?
Yes. Its the number of diodes down my left side.
How many heads can a Woody Woodpecker peck if a Woody Woodpecker can peck heads?
42. It really is the answer.
If roses are red and violets are blue, what color are slugs?
A - Multi Colored.
Q - Which planet is Gigan from?
The planet of prehistoric women cyborgs. The BIG ones.
How do you tell the sex of a Kaiju?
A. Blow between it's legs.
Q. Where is Rutger Hauer?
Following C. Thomas Howell.
What do you dunk your cookies in?
In the spoiled milk!
Is it a Tumah?
A. IT'S NOT A TUMAH!
Q. What color is Gamera's eyes?
Bright blue neon with a purple outline.
What exactly is a "taint-licker"?
It's a little mole that's been known to lick taints.
Who dares disturb me?
Miley Cyrus. I know she disturbs me.
You call that art?
I call that Bob!
Do dogs chase cats?
A. No, they cook lunch for them.
Q. What is the Big Bang Theory?
The universe starting forming after a big bang!
Yeesh that sounds kinda dirty don't it?
Yeah.. I'm telling my mom you think that way about her!
What is an eminence front?
the combination of Evanescense with Eminem on stage.
I believe the password is swordfish, do you?
Not mine! My password is 'password'. It's so easy that no one will ever think of it, so I'm completely safe. My ATM pin is 4321. See, it's backwards, so NO ONE will ever get it...
Why would a tree just fall in the woods if no one is around anyway?
Muscle cramp.
What about me? What about my feelings?
I give up, what about your feelings.
What about my glass of water?
You can take your glass of water and shove it up your @$$! :teddyr: :tongueout:
Will the tomatoes attack?
Not with the Carrot Police around.
You defiled a Christmas tree?
Hey, the angel ornament was hot!
If I, he, she, and we're a pepper, would you like to be a pepper too?
If it were just you and he, maybe, but she's a jerk and I want no part of anything she's involved in.
Could it be Mack the Knife?
No but you can have Mac from "Mac & Me".
Are you drunk?
How dehere you egcuze me.. I only had a lid.. (hic) a lid (hic) about 10 shots.
Have you kissed your cousin lately?
No, I'm too busy making out with myself. I turn me on.
If I was going to eat vanilla pudding while it's raining outside after we just sang Minnie the Moocher together, what would you do?
I would b!tch slap you for being silly. Now pass me the pudding.
What is the worst movie ever made?
Manos. Various feasible arguments can be made for others though (Creeping Terror, Blood Feast, Plan 9, etc).
Ooh.. that smell. Can't you smell that smell?
I could have, before my nose was blown off in a freak leafblowing accident. Thanks for reminding me.
What the heck happened in NAKED LUNCH?
Well, there was this guy, see? And he did these drugs, ya know? And then his typewriter was a bug. And he killed his wife to become a writer. Oh, and he was gay. Does that clear things up for you?
Wherefore art thou, Coolio?
In 'Gangstas Paradise'. He and many others spend most their lives living there. But an Amish Paradise is cooler.
Velveeta or Cheese Whiz?
Jeez Weez Cheese Whiz.
What's in Cheese Whiz anyways?
Tiger splooge.
If a smug, pompous, ill-tempered wallaby with a British accent got in a fight with a destructive, eccentric, street-smart cockroach who speaks in sound effects rather than actual words, who would win?
Judd Apatow.
Why is it that these forums bleep out the word p***y, but if you look to the right in the popular articles section you can see a link to Faster, Pnssycat! Kill! Kill!?
Because the movie was too awesome for them.
Which kind of milk do you have: the regular, or the exploding dream kind?
Rat's milk.
Why does the sky taste like shrimp scampi after someone just vomited on it while reading The Dodo & the Frog comics?
Because logic doesn't exist!
what is this logic?
It's a song by Supertramp.
If you peed 100 times, is it a centipeed?
No, something is seriously wrong with your bladder.
Can a dog look up?
Only if you hold a cup of water over its head!
Why do we blink?
Because if we didn't blink, our eyes would dry out and eventually develop x-ray vision, and then we'd go blind from always staring through women's clothing.
If a man can dig a hole in a day and a half, why didn't he just rent a backhoe and finish up before lunch?
Digging and sweating makes him feel all manly, a hoe just reminds him of some peasant cosplayers at a Ren Fair.
Why does sleeping for longer periods of time (9 hours) make you feel worse than sleeping less (6 hours)?
I've always found the opposite myself especially after a long week without enough sleep. An extra long weekend sleep is golden.
Who'd win a fight between Mechagodzilla and RoboCop?
no one, Mechagodzilla had a mechanical malfunction with his left wrist. Robocop fell over and knocked down humpty dumpty's transvestite brother, Lars D. Goodnight.. He's currently on trial for the death of LG HD's TV.
Where's my PANTS?!?!?!
Turn your head downwards very slowly.
Why do I feel the urge to punch an infant with a spiky boxing glove every time I have to listen to my brother watching Icarly, Phineas and Ferb, Adventure Time or Kids Next Door?
because you love him.
How's the weather up there?
It's raining cats, dogs, and chickens.
How is the weather down there?
(Retro turns and looks at his butt; farts)
Slightly cloudy.
They say that Coke adds life. Is this true?
no, It's dope.
why can't I finish this senten?
Because you have nothing more to say.
Why does Bale growl when he is Batman?
Because his tights are chafing.
Will they ever come out with Slugs: The Musical?
No, they're too busy filming Slugs: The Porno.
Where's Jaws 19?
In the future. Borrow a Delorean and head for the nearest theater.
When will the stars fall from the sky?
A. 2012.
Q. Who would win in a pie eating contest, 70's King Kong or 50's Godzilla?
2000's Kirsty Alley.
When can I retire?
When your car needs new tires.
When will Geico stop doing pointless commercials?
When Venice sinks.
Why are there more windmills in Holland than in Texas?
There used to be more in Texas, but they kept getting distracted, staring at those spinny things and nothing was getting done. So, they took them all out. (I actually was living there at the time that it happened. Prop 92)
Do you like fish sticks?
I prefer drum sticks.
How should I treat my wife's lice?
The same way that you would have them treat you. So sayeth the Lord.
How do you plan on spending your summer vacation?
Wait for it to be over.
Why does my dead hamster jack off to Hamtaro?
.....Because I'm Batman.
Where is the ring?!
I have a copy on video, but if you watch it you'll die.
Why does Darth Vader constantly breath loudly?
Because, it's hard to breath under that big helmet. Just ask Dark Helmet!
What does Sloppy Joe know?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKvhVssO348
How to make a mess.
Warp 5, sir?
Actually, Sulu, just blow the engines. NOT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!
Why don't we do it in the road?
There was a legion of spiders meeting.
homer called, he said he want's his pants back. What do you know about this?
I know that "wants" doesn't need an apostrophe. :twirl:
Who's that peeking in my window?
That doggie, with the waggly tail. Now it's HIS turn to stare at YOU and wonder how much YOU'RE worth!
What happened to Mayor McCheese? And the pirate guy?
They got together and moved to Fondu-lock.
If Iron man is made of Iron, what is his woman made of?
Inflatable vinyl. He's lonely.
If laughter is the best medicine, why can't it cure diarrhea?
Because it makes you gag.
What is the language of cheese?
If I tell you, then I must kill you.
Why did the GM Futurliner (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GM_Futurliner) sell for $4,000,000.00?
Because nobody wanted to pay $4,000,000.01.
Why isn't there a safe weight-loss pill?
cuz if there was, then there won;t be any lawsuits against that company.
Where's Johny?
He's at your door as we speak
(http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001295149/The_shining_heres_johnny_xlarge.jpeg)
Are the Japaneses creating chick robots for sex?
They were, but the robots were too sophisticated and turned down the little nerds and went after the cool jocks.
How do you make a funky cold medina?
Better without that creepy guy who played the Ferngully lizard.
Can I speak to the drug dealer of the house?
COPS! EVERYBODY RUN!!
Wait....are you a cop?
I'm Detective John Kimble, I AM A COP YOU IDIOT!!
Are those Cookies? WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD EAT MY COOKIES?!
you did, remember?
What ever happened to the Kool-aid Man?
He ran into too many walls and shattered.
But what about Bob?
He still posts here from time to time...
Can I get a what what?
No but you can have my whowh-...
I'm going to shut up now...
Do you know what you get when you have chaos?
Umm more chaos...
Whatsa matta with you?
Thor stole my sandwich. :bluesad:
Can you see it in their eyes?
yeah, I see evidence of pickles and tomatoes that they stole DWV's sammich.
Is the pen REALLY mightier than the sword?
Maybe a 007 explosive pen.
Will we reach 100 pages?
Gird yourself for the final encounter. Think not of the pages.
What did my father see in you?!
His fist in my face after seeing me in yer mama. :twirl:
Why is "turd" such a fun word to say?
Poop-related things are funny. Until you step in it, that is.
How much will you mow my lawn for?
One hundred MILLION dollarz.
(http://usedbooksblog.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/dr-evil.JPG)
So what'll it be: soup or salad?
A super salad!
(http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/images/news/2007/10/largest_salad.jpg)
Why ya gotta treat me bad, baby? Ain't I good to you?
You shot me in both of my knees and lit me on fire, p**s off!
What does the scouter say about his power level?
it's running at 24% battery power left.
Why doesn't anyone like him?
Because he puked in the punch bowl at the prom. :hatred:
Easy come. Easy go. Will you let me go?
NO! I'LL DRAG YOU TO MY GRAVE!!
Where is the ring?
the ring is from the speaker, indicating that someone is at the door.
Why did they kill Lenny?
Because they're bastards.
Why don't you get your own tree-fiddy?!
because there all out at Wal-Mart, Target, Sams, etc.....
Can I answer my own question?
Sure! You can answer the one you just- Uhhh.... Ooops!
Good god! What are you on?!
The Air. The show is about to begin :smile:
Why did little Tommy Jarvis in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter try to look like Jason?
Because Jason is hot and Tommy wanted to score some chicks.
Whose dog pooped in my lawn?
Who said anything about a dog?
Who the HELL do you think you are?!
I am the rare transvestite succubus!
What the Hell?
It's a sheep, a rhino, a platypus and Richard Simmons dancing the Lambada. I thought it was obvious.
Why must the wheels on the bus go only 'round and 'round?
Because square wheels aren't very popular.
Do you suck dicks, private?!
no, but the office slut does, that's why she's always getting more money than we are.
Some call him the Stig. What do YOU call him?
Rufus T. Firefly
So, whatever happened to Rayman's arms and legs?
Ratchet took a leg, Sly Cooper took the arms, and Dexter took the other leg.
What ever happened to the music?
*Sniff* It's been ruined, man. It's DEAD, man! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to HELL! *Sobs*
Isn't that cheery?
No, it's a Cherry.
Can Someone explain why Hipsters are becoming mainstream?
Non-Conformism - Because everyone is doing it!
(http://blog.binnyva.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/hitler_paper.jpg)
Have you seen, Kyle? He's this tall.
Nobody gives a rat's ass about your imaginary friend. Now clean the gutters!
Okay, who threw the Crocodile Hunter?
I did, he was gettin frisky with the kangaroos.
Who called the Cops?
Cartman. He wants permission to make people RESPECT HIS AUTHORITAH!
Want some candy, little girl?
Chris Hansen " Just take a seat"
Can I kick it?
sure, but why would you kick a barge?
Why would you kick a barge?
Because it's smelly...
What haunts you?
My reflection of my face! :buggedout:
How much is the dinosaur there in the window?.
(http://static.thehollywoodgossip.com/images/gallery/jeff-goldblum-pic.jpg)
Well, uh, you, uh, see th- that, uh dinosaur, uh retails, for uh... $249,403,245 uh, and do you know what happens if you can't afford it? CHECKMATE!
Dear god! What are you doing to the furniture?!
I'm cleaning it for the party.
Where's the checkbook?
In my leaderhosen.
How do you play the 'Kenny' drinking game?
You call yourself "Kenny" and drink till you die of alcohol poisoning or cirrhosis. Then your friends say, "Oh my god, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!".
Now that Shaq retired, will he return to rap?
A. Hell No. He's making a new video game. SHAQFU 2.
Q. Will Hollywood ever remake the Robo Cop trilogy someday?
Yes only RoboCop will become another soulless CGI creation.
What's the matter with you?
A. I'm mad because I'll never have enough 'space titanium' to create my own MechaGodzilla!
Q. Will Tom Green ever make any more movies?
I never heard of Will Tom Green, is he new? :wink:
Who let the roaches in?!
They came in when the dogs went out.
Where can a guy get masculine toe socks?
In the Lingerie section of the mall.
Can you squish them?
No, but you can put them in a can and send them to some pompous-ass rich family. Then, watch the blood fly!
Is there danger afoot?
I already toed :lookingup: you: Danger resides in the kneecaps.
Are the stars out tonight?
Yes, and they're on Bourbon Street in the French Quarter.
Will Left ever be Right?
Only unless down ever gets up.
Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?!
It's just the way I roll man.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
because you use abr instead.
Why must he be in Hell?
Because he couldn't spell Helsinki.
Does being crazy really help you work here?
Yeah, You get to be in a room all by yourself, plus you get free meals!
What is it with the dog eating the cat?
I think it's a weasel, they don't like cats either.
When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn...
When the flowers return.
Say.. has anyone seen my sweet Gypsy Rose?
Yes. She said to tell you that the restraining order is still in effect.
Who would win in a fight: Willy Wonka or George Bernard Shaw?
Neither. They would resolve their differences and then sit around a campfire, roast marshmellows and reminisce about their college years.
Derp?
no, It's Derf.
I have a snowball fit for a king, what do you have?
I have a king fit for a snowball. Let's get together and cooperate!
The battles commences! Who will fight for the glory of our great land?
I'll fight for the glory of my land. Meaning I'll mow it in a week.
Want some cheese?
yes, I'll have some fresh Mozzarella, Colby-Jack, and Plan 9 from Outer Space, Please.
Are you an Anarchist?
(http://www.statesofmind.ca/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/joker-burning-money.jpg)
What makes you say that?
Who took cookies from the cookie jar? Was it YOU?
No, It was That Guy to the left of me.
Where's Bane when you need him?
He's with Inky. It's Inky and the Bane; it's Inky and the Bane. One is the Batman, the other's a stain. :twirl: (I know it's nonsense. Deal with it)
What's the deal with women?
Under the table. Ask Monica Lewisnki.
I donno bane, why does Robin hang out in the hood?
because he thinks Batman won't notice the faulty wiring.
Can you take this burrito to the mall?
No, your damn burrito needs to learn to take care of its own damn self.
Will you wind?
I'm kinda clumsy. I'll probably break wind.
Who would win in a fight: Gloria Gaynor (singing "I Will Survive") or Freddy Mercury (singing "We Are the Champions")?
Europe singing "The Final Countdown".
Aaaaannd where exactly do you think you're going?
To take a crap! Did you want to follow me?
What does Jimmy Crack Corn mean? Is that his full name or something?
It's a brand of Cocaine that's in the form of Corn.
Do you fear IT?
Aaaaaaah! Suffice to say, 'tis one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot say!
Are Android phones and tablets really robots?
Are YOU a robot?! :buggedout:
well, are you a robot?
No, but your mom is a robot!
Where can I buy a robot in this town?
I hear Best Buy has the Cheapest new line of robots and gadgets, but I know Gadgetron is better.
WTF is that sweet smell?!
Dead Clouds
(http://urlybits.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Happy-Fluffy-Clouds.jpg)
Does sunshine on your shoulder make you happy?
No, it burns my skin off.
Will You Ever get out of the bathroom?
Yeah well it takes time you know. One thing's for sure, you DON'T want to go in there after me.
Why does Saturn have a ring around it?
because it is engaged to Uranus.
why did they kill the tomatoes?
It was a hit job by the mushrooms.
When can I go home?
After you give the mutant a sponge bath.
Isn't his absence slightly odd?
well, he leaving his pants on the chair is.
Rubber or Plastic?
Pleather.
Why is "squeegee" such a fun word to say? SQUEEEEEEEEEEGEEEEEEEE!
They named it just for you to have fun just to say it.
When will the ravens come back?
When you figure out how they're like writing desks.
Did Dante's girlfriend suck 36 d**ks in a ROW?
No, it was only 35. One guy moved in line so he could get sucked twice!
Why is the root of all evil named cookie?
because cake was a LIE!!!!
Would you like some punch?
Okay, but you better knock me out or I'll return the favor. :tongueout:
Does Chinese really make you hungry again a little while after eating it?
It's not the Chinese food. It's that blasted tapeworm's fault!
Vhat iz all ze shouting about?!
Doctor Frankenstien iz going to join me for a roll in ze hay.
D- Did you hear a Cat just now?
yes, he just tied a rope around his penis and jumped from a tree. :buggedout:
Do you want to grow up to be just like me?
Yes, provided that you make a few changes...
If you lead a horse to water, is it truly impossible to MAKE him drink?
Just dump the water and bring out the whiskey. Oh yeah, he'll drink.
Is it a bird, a plane, or Superman?
All of the above its Birdmanplane
Why is their a green monster at my door?
Because it hates bad grammar and you used "their" instead of "there" and It's a wee bit p**sed. (http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/8250/trollface.gif)
U mad, bro? U mad?
I'm INSAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNEEEE!!!!!!!
I'm trapped in a room with a bowl of chili, a p**sed off badger and a pair of helium balloons. What do I do?
Invent a combustible lemon to scare off the badger!!!!
Will you invent the wheel?
Only if you invent sliced bread first.
Is Denton, USA the best town in America?
no, it's someplace in Montana, where there's 0% crime!!!
Is ice cream the champion of breakfast for children?
nope, donuts.
what happened to leonard parts 1-5?
Leonard Part 6 was so bad Bill Cosby went on a quest to destroy all knowledge of the "Leonard" series, yet his quest failed because Leonard Part 6 was too horrible to forget.
Why is the rum gone?!
I've been drinking it and destroying it.
can I write an invisible question?
I'll try for you.
Can you read this?
Unfortunately, yes.
You dare give Cave Johnson Lemons! Do you know who I am?
Yes, and it gives me chills.
Where did you dig up that old fossil?
Hey, don't talk about my mom that way!
Have you even mistaken ESP for ESPN?
Yeah, and one of them always gets lousy reception.
What a ya buying?
(http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q289/LouMooRessie/RE4/Merchant.jpg)
Gum please.
Can I get a muzzle for my sister's damn chihuahua to stop him from biting my groin?! :hatred:
You don't need a muzzle. All you need is a shotgun to shut the little bastard up.
What the....WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS OUTRAGE?!!
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.
Oh dear god! What the hell is that thing?!
How dare you talk about my little pal that way?!...
If Soylent Green is people, what's Soylent Brown?
The leftovers that have been left in the refrigerator for two and a half weeks.
What exactly did Gary Busey tell you?
That the spit he put in my soup was "for flavoring".
Don't you want me, baby? Don't you want me, oh?
If you lost 30 pounds, younger, and was a girl then YES, I would! :tongueout:
The hell- Are you looking up my skirt again?!
No, just taking a picture up your skirt. That's all.
What's the best way to a man's heart?
My avatar will provide the answer.
Why do people ask stupid questions?
Because animals can't talk.
As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Why would anybody be that stupid?
he wasn't, they all wanted him to themselves. he's this guy:
(http://badgals-radio.com/wp-content/uploads/HLIC/238b6d8733e9bbd49eabe8b07753adbf.jpg)
Did you drink the last [insert soda type here] again?
No, I used it for a lab experiment, and it's evolving wonderfully.
Is Gorgonzola a better name for a cheese, or a monster?
It's a fine name for a monstrous cheese.
Where did my little bunny go?
It went down the Rabbit hole into Wonderland.
Do you feel lucky, Punk?
No, you lit up the Sparklers instead of me!
(http://netdna.goodthingsweddingfavors.com/images/P/sparklers-for-wedding-01.jpg)
well, just how hard can it be; I mean, what can possibly go wrong?
Yes.
Can you really call african albinos "black"?
You call 'em "Caramel"... Wait... I think I'm thinking of the wrong race.
Why is this forum on "Bad Movies" and not on "Off Topic Discussion"?
cuz Doggett wanted it to be here.
Where is my sparkling cider?
On page 100.
If I have have a stupid question can I get a stupid answer here?
Well duh........I don't know maybe... yeah....
Is that Geraldo?
Yep, and thats a chair coming his way!
Is that a mustache?
(http://www.southsidetattoo.net/tattoos_by_nick_stout/thumbnails/600x450/Finger_mustache_tattoo.jpg)
No, but I can see how you were fooled.
Are rubber chickens still funny?
Only when used properly with the correct protection.
What's the most annoying cell phone ring tone?
Quote from: SPazzo on July 07, 2011, 01:08:21 AM
Only when used properly with the correct protection.
What's the most annoying cell phone ring tone?
That's a trick question. They are ALL equally annoying.
How did this thread get to 100 pages?
It made Andrew an offer he couldn't refuse.
When the going gets tough, and the tough get going, what do the whimps do?
They eat pie.
Will darkness show us the way?
Only if you you don't have a fear of the dark.
Are you the wicked child?
No he's the Wicker Man. NOT THE BEES! AAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!
Will you answer ONE question for me?
The answer lies within.
What did you do to Izzy?
I beat her to take the 12th place on the Blacklist board in NFS MW. :tongueout:
Can you top this: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl:?
:twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl: :twirl:
He shot me in the ass! WHO DOES THAT?!
sniper perverts.
will you take me to the prom?
I'll take you to Prom Night. You gotta buy the popcorn and soda though.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
just take a plane to to yer destination
is it clear as mud?
No, more like a soup sandwich.
did you get the bill for the duck?
yep, and you owe me $60.46.
Do you have it?
Yes, but my HMO won't cover the surgery.
Why do fools fall in love, insted of levitating into it?
Because fools haven't yet mastered the art of levitation.
Why would you start with a Monster Zero?
Because he's Binary.
why can't we have good things?
'Cause this is BADmovies.org, b***h!
Why do you have to say it like that? :bluesad: :bluesad:
Because here at Aperture Science, we don't hold hands for science- we start from the ground up scratch.
Did you invent the combustible lemons yet?
No but the frag limes are done.
Aren't you glad Chell is gone?
Gone, but not forg...wait, who?
When did the cat learn to bark?
Sorry, that's a Chihuahua.
Oh, What fresh Hell is it now?
It's new lemon-lime Hell, in the lavender bottle!
What fools these Immortals be?
They just like to decappitate eachother for no reason?
How did they know there can be only one?
Because when they saw me, they got scared of me. :teddyr: :teddyr:
(http://www.brendanloy.com/blog/images/herriman-cars.jpg)
Just how many dead bodies can you fit in the back of this?
Depends on how well your wood chipper handles blood and bones.
Do you know what your problem is?
yes, we can't win when fools can be kings.
Are you the Brave Little Toaster?
No I'm his son, toaster oven. Cross-breeding is a b***h.
What the hell are you talking about?
The Kings Speech.
Why did the cheese log float down the river?
They were running away from the kids.
Did Robocop ever find that squeak?
Yeah. mouse living in his thigh holster.
Can you think of a number from one to thirty?
Quote from: Flangepart on July 20, 2011, 08:41:48 AM
Yeah. mouse living in his thigh holster.
Can you think of a number from one to thirty?
No.
Should I try that new Filipino restaurant tonight?
If you bring me back some thing, then yes!
What can fit into my mind?
Unlimited potential!
Where's that thingamabob?
Let me answer that question with a question.
Did you mean Bob?
Ah yes. Brains Over Brawns.
H- How could you?!
Because I wanted a classic British Sports car, something that I can have, I don't buy everything for you!
Where is it?!
Under your bed just frustratingly out of your reach.
Are you old enough for that?
Nah, I'm young!
Can you decipher this?
Only if I recieve twenty trillion dollars in return.
Should one drink from the goblet of gore?
No, they should drink from the Goblet of Ore
Who is this?
Tai Sun's!
Can we take your order?
There was never any questions as to whether or not you'd take my orders-NOW GO MY ARMY OF MINDLESS DRONES!!
Can you stand the suspense?
It's breaking my mind, Man!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who farted in the bus?
First speaker, stink maker.
Now where did Roger go?
To the moon, Alice!
When did we last see Paris?
two weeks ago before John Travolta blew it up.
Where's the fireworks?
In Australia, up some drunk guy's ass. Try explaining that to the doctors.
You... What have you done?!
I cleaned up the house-
Don't you love it darling?
Oh, behave!
What's love got to do with it?
Oh Jase... That's the power of love! *Dances*
What ethnicity is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?
The ethnicity of Layeth The smackdownth.
Are you that kind of person?
Yes I'm a sexy beast.
Did the dingo eat your baby?
no, the baby ate the dingo.
Are the Extraterrestrials killin' pedestrians and rapin lesbians?
Yes, but they're killing with an herring, and rapin with a shrubbery.
what's in the Gondola, and does Captain know about it?
I'm afraid it's the captain himself in the gondola. He's gone and gotten himself drunk and passed out on a Farris wheel.
(http://www.bartcop.com/blazing-white-women.jpg)
Where da white woman at?
Upper Saddle River New Jersy.
Would you let your sister marry a Klingon?
Only he didn't hang around Uranus.
Would you live on Coronation Street?
Nope, I live on Drury Lane.
Is Bigger really better with cars?
Hell no. With greasy heart attack hamburgers, THAT'S something I tell you what.
What happened to your pride?
I still have it, it's in my basement.
Are you the DEVIL?!
No, I'm Lucifur. Also, stop calling Satan the devil, it p**ses him off. Don't mix us up either we're two different people.
What happened to your lambs?
Mary ate them all up, she was fed up with their droppings on her bed.
Can Godzilla do it?
Whether he thinks he can or he thinks he can't-he's right.
If the cage bird sings-what does the college-educated pterodactyl do?
Sing only Iron Maiden's songs.
Can I quit the system, it's bugging my style?
No. Now go make me a sandwich, slave. Make it snappy!
What did you see in that turnip?
Baldrick's thingy, Milord.
When did the goat learn to stare back at the men?
After they started waxing their chrome bumpers.
Are you sorry for Ms. Jackson?
I am for real. I never meant to make her daughter cry. I apologize a trillion times.
While a bit late sure, I'm thinking of adding "you go girl" to my regular conversational speech. Think I can pull it off?
With a spatula and a wire brush, I'd say yes.
Why can't you stop bringing killer rabbits to the cave?
Because they're cute and fluffy until well they go for the jugular.
Why can't my cotton candy be blue?
Because it's on Prosac.
What did the Troll do when it found an Atheist?
Quote from: Flangepart on January 18, 2012, 09:32:05 AM
Because it's on Prosac.
What did the Troll do when it found an Atheist?
Said grace, giving thanks for small snacks.
What part of your body do you wish were bigger?
Everything EXCEPT for my John Thomas, so that I'll FINALLY be in proportion...
Where were you when you learned that Tupac had died?
Quote from: JayJayM12 on January 18, 2012, 03:23:35 PM
Everything EXCEPT for my John Thomas, so that I'll FINALLY be in proportion...
Where were you when you learned that Tupac had died?
In front of my tv, doing the Snoopy dance.
But dare a pair with paranoia scare?
No, I would be on a boat with a goat going slow.
Can it really be him?
Depends on the definition of reality. If the force of gravity changes every hour, then the answer is yes.
If Godzilla and King Kong had a love child, who would be it's first grade teacher?
Hitler.
Why do penguins hate cheesewiz?
It's as addictive as catnip.
Why can't cavemen live above ground?
Quote from: Flangepart on January 19, 2012, 09:41:04 AM
It's as addictive as catnip.
Why can't cavemen live above ground?
Can't get up that first / last rent, plus deposit.
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51PYJXHASKL._SL500_AA300_.jpg)
Quote from: alandhopewell on January 19, 2012, 02:16:49 PM
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51PYJXHASKL._SL500_AA300_.jpg)
She was kidnapped by a crazy man named Brady, his lovely lady, and their 6 kids (3 with hair of gold, like their mother). She is now forced to work, against her will, in their house, doing their every bidding. I'm sorry, but you'll never see her again...
Why is it required by law to talk about the weather when riding the elevator with a stranger?
Because that's the LAW!!!!!
Guess who's back?
Susie Q and her little doggett too. :wink:
Why doesn't it snow in August?
Well, you see friend, it's too cold for it snow to in August!
Why do I find myself watching B-movies more than good movies?
It's because you're not a rational person, just like the rest of use! :teddyr:
Is it really that serious?
Quote from: El Toro Loco on January 21, 2012, 11:11:07 PM
Is it really that serious?
It never is.
If Jimmy cracked corn, and the person singing about it doesn't care, why did he bother to make a song about it in the first place?
So others wouldn't have to care either.
I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the sixties?
No, I paid for it with my mom's credit card.
Can eating raw brains really prolong your afterlife?
Sure! Ask any Zombie from RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD!
If I keep crossing my eyes-will they get stuck that way?
Yes.. until you wipe off the "X" you drew on them.
When you tell someone "you could go for some Chinese", do you mean the food or the people of Chinese origin?
Neither. We're talking about dachshunds.
Why is Albert morbidly obese?
Because he's fat, he's fat, you know it!
(http://mylifeaccordingtomeandmeonly.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/fat.jpg?w=300&h=225)
Does a stitch in time save nine.. or can it save ten?
It saves 8, 9 sounded more extreme.
Can I take this taco with me?
Yes, but you cannot take it into the theater (unless you bought it there).
Why do good movies make bad video games?
Quote from: Pacman000 on March 23, 2012, 10:15:27 AM
Yes, but you cannot take it into the theater (unless you bought it there).
Why do good movies make bad video games?
Because the reverse is true, as witness STREET FIGHTER and MORTAL KOMBAT.
Is it true blondes have more fun?
Is it Marilyn Monroe or Dorris Day?
That's both the question and the answer. :teddyr:
Neither. It's Grace Kelly.
Where do Mogwai come from?
John Carpenter's reject bin.
Why can't I see the light?
Because you forgot to take off the full-head leather ball mask again. Next time I scream "Banana!" you better listen, buster.
Where did I leave my good intentions?
Quote from: Javakoala on July 11, 2013, 04:17:51 PM
Because you forgot to take off the full-head leather ball mask again. Next time I scream "Banana!" you better listen, buster.
Where did I leave my good intentions?
In the pavement of the road leading to Hell.
George Lucas.... WHY?
Quote from: Zapranoth on July 11, 2013, 11:37:17 PM
Quote from: Javakoala on July 11, 2013, 04:17:51 PM
Because you forgot to take off the full-head leather ball mask again. Next time I scream "Banana!" you better listen, buster.
Where did I leave my good intentions?
In the pavement of the road leading to Hell.
George Lucas.... WHY?
Money. I don't care about Indiana Jones, Star Wars or anything like that. I need all the money I need to erase the Star Wars Holiday Special from existence.
Who took a dump in the hall?
The Dump Truck, of course!!!
Why are my boogers black when I have breathed no dirt today?
Quote from: indianasmith on July 12, 2013, 12:21:53 AM
The Dump Truck, of course!!!
Why are my boogers black when I have breathed no dirt today?
Africanus Boogeritus happens when so many bad movies are viewed that the brain develops a tar like substance known only by psychic storm-lords in the jaskroscx-dimension as... cell-sap. They believe it's the formation of bad memories trying to exit the frontal lobe.
Why do people like the smell of their own farts so much more than other's?
It's all in the delivery.
Just what IS Stephen Hawking?
The mighty Stephen Hawking is a f**king Quake god!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=aXLIzk_7KCE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DaXLIzk_7KCE
How is a raven like a writing desk?
Because it's made of wood...but don't quoth me on that.
When did you last do-wakka-do?
07/07/1977
Why did Hammer drop the MC?
Someone had put WD-40 on it.
How long has Trevor worn one set of undies?
Long enough that the skid mark filed for retirement.
Where is my flying car?
Quote from: Javakoala on March 20, 2014, 09:40:57 AM
Long enough that the skid mark filed for retirement.
Where is my flying car?
I got your flying car right here....
Flying car developer says he's $80 million closer to making sci-fi dream a reality. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY85eExk7Zo#)
Who wants to buy this diamond ring?
Quote from: alandhopewell on March 20, 2014, 12:28:53 PM
Who wants to buy this diamond ring?
This guy does!
Little John's Best Ever Local Commercial Louisville Kentucky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiJGiB-qows#noexternalembed)
Why would you disable embedding on a cheesy pawn shop commercial?
Because Stone Cold said so!
Who wouldn't like breast?
The chicken it was taken from.
If a-b+cx42=x, then y?
Y ask Y? Try Bud Dry!
Bud Dry Commercial From 1990 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9x-uklVGAI4#)
Are friends electric?
When you know how to plug them in.
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
Quote from: Flangepart on March 24, 2014, 08:21:56 AM
When you know how to plug them in.
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To find out a way to get to Mianus, instead of Uranus. :wink:
Quote from: Trevor on March 24, 2014, 08:39:05 AM
Quote from: Flangepart on March 24, 2014, 08:21:56 AM
When you know how to plug them in.
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To find out a way to get to Mianus, instead of Uranus. :wink:
Umm, Trev, old boy, you forgot to ask a question.
Quote from: Javakoala on March 24, 2014, 07:47:07 PM
Quote from: Trevor on March 24, 2014, 08:39:05 AM
Quote from: Flangepart on March 24, 2014, 08:21:56 AM
When you know how to plug them in.
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To find out a way to get to Mianus, instead of Uranus. :wink:
Umm, Trev, old boy, you forgot to ask a question.
To be or not to be, that is the question but I dunno the answer :wink:
2-B is down the hall to your left.
Wanna finish my fence for me?
You're under arrest for fencing, mister!
If a frog jumps onto a lilypad, how does cheese get inside those fried cheese sticks?
By pretending it's a worm entering an apple.
Does Mary Poppins wear an Air Traffic transponder?
Yes, indeed, but considering what landed on my head the other day, she should be wearing Depends.
Do you have 3 bags full?
I have tree fiddy full.
Have you seen enough hentai to know where this is going?
It's going inside every one of her orifices.
Did you order the pizza?
I hope so. I've been standing naked at the door waiting for the delivery person.
If rock beats scissors and paper beats rock, what beats bacon?
Bacon on a double cheeseburger with a fried egg.
Why does my team suck?
The leaf blower bit the big one.
If Capt. Kirk fought T.J.Hooker, who would win?
Captain Kirk. He was great at beating up Hookers.
Haven't we been here before?
You told me to circle the block just a minute ago, so yes.
Can you feel the hype train coming?
Yeah, but it'll be awhile.. it's behind the Crazy Train and the Gravy Train.
Can she bake a cherry pie, Billy Boy?
I'll Warrant she can.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjyZKfdwlng (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjyZKfdwlng#)
How many lumps would you like?
Depends. Is your jackhammer still working?
What kept you so long?
Viagra.
What can my dog do to keep her farts from stinking so badly?
Stop feeding her pork & beans
Do black people have dandruff?
If they stand too close to white folks, they might get to share in it.
GEICO Hump Day Camel Commercial - Happier than a Camel on Wednesday (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWBhP0EQ1lA#ws)
Why did it take me 2 hours to find my ciggerettes?
The word for the thing I light on fire in my face,
Too many f**king S,s.
Like Tobacco
s**t! I did that right.
s**t. :smile:
RC, you okey?
I certainly hope he is.
In all seriousness.
And now, if it's okay, can we get back to the goofy questions?
Not until you finish all your green beans, you silly person.
How do you do that voodoo that you do?
With hoodoo that ain't poodoo.
Why did the the road cross the chicken?
To get to the side of bacon.
Badges? Do we need any stinkin' badges?
Ya know the cliché where a cop gets shot in the heart but it turns out the bullet hit his badge? It's just for that rare occasion.
Where can I get a brain transplant?
When we find the perfect doner...Oh, Trevor, Trevor dear...
Just what IS a Quatters mass?
About the same as two dimes and a nickel.
Is it time to make the donuts yet?
It's ALWAYS dounut time!
When did the wind get in the willows, and how did the willows feel about that?
Last Thursday and pretty darn good.
So, you expect me to talk?
No, Mr. Midget, I expect you to die.
Can I get you a drink?
Yes. Lime in a coconut, please. Shaken, not stirred.
Will bell-bottomed pants ever come back in style, and what can we do to prevent it?
Maybe, and threaten to take chain saws to the fashion industry.
It's Monday - where, oh where are my brain cells?
Quote from: Flangepart on May 05, 2014, 08:27:05 AM
Maybe, and threaten to take chain saws to the fashion industry.
It's Monday - where, oh where are my brain cells?
Stuck in Friday traffic.
Have you been around? Have you done your share of comin' down?
No, I don't get pain enough Rubles, and my share involves two fried chickens, a box of dougnuts and a bottle of Jack Danials.
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's butt.
Have you been to the seaside?
Yes, and Germans just WON'T clean up all the landmines!
Why can't we have rocketpacks and flying cars?
Well, we can't have the flying cars because their arms would get "tired".
If instant karma is going to get me, what can I do about it?
Drop your drawers, grab your ankles and smile.
How big is the trouble in little China?
Little China breaks easily. As does big China.
What does Jr. Pac-Man look like these days?
Fat as a German sausage-holic.
Where have all the man-eating flowers gone?
They tried to eat the manliest of men: Chuck Norris. He round-house kicked them to Alpha Centauri.
How far back in the woods does the honky cat need to go to resume his redneck ways?
At the end of the gravel road, when the banjo's start to play.
What happens when you mix Viagra with the Blob?
The 50-foot woman gets a new toy.
The river's down, the creek is dry, so why do you wear your pants so high?
Cause that way I know, what ever may come, I know it's unlikely, I'll wet me bum.
I you were a muppet, which one would you be?
Sorry, man, ain't nobody sticking their hand that far up my keester.
Are you going to Scarborough Faire?
Nope. Going like a storm cloud, to rain of their parade.
War- what's it good for?
Lowrider, Spill The Wine, Why Can't We Be Friends, Cisco Kid, etc.
Why are supervisors so damn lame?
Because to become a supervisor, you have to demonstrate the ability to shove your head up your backside.
What is the meaning of all this kerfuffle?
It proves you know Yiddish.
Why can't the Sy-Fy channel get good movies?
Because they can't even spell Sci-Fi right.
Why hasn't anyone killed Friedberg yet?
Because the check to the hit man bounced.
Anybody got change for a twenty?
Yeah, I can change it into a really good dinner at Stake and shake.
We know Trevor has scary undies- but what about Umaril's T-shirts?
Back when he had feathers, they weren't so bad; there was a layer of protection. Since he was unfeathered, though, peeeyuuuu! Those pit stains could stop a charging chaurus and have been known to make skeevers faint.
Why no, I don't play too many video games. Why do you ask?
Because the constant twitching of your thumbs disturbs me.
Think Godzilla attacks cities because he's sexually frustrated?
Yes, because he's only sexually attracted to hummingbirds.
Who would win in a fight between Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.?
Whoever wins the real loser is whoever was watching.
Are you not entertained?!
Oh, I R...just not wif my Spellingg.
Why won't Godzilla and Gamera kiss and make up?
(http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120412083914/dragonball/images/c/c4/Godzilla_atomic_breath.jpg)
You've obviously never smelled Godzilla's atomic breath.
What is the Doctor's real name?
Pepper... Dr. Ima Pepper.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Quote from: Rev. Powell on May 27, 2014, 04:58:45 PM
Pepper... Dr. Ima Pepper.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
Yes, but only if they're electric Scotsmen, Jimmy.
Are you hungry for some action?
Not really. But I could go for some onion rings.
Why would angels want to dance on the head of a pin, much less gather there in numbers?
Actually, it's a pinHEAD...his name is Zippy, and he averages about 342 angels per hour. They dance in shifts.
When someone is 'hornswoggled', what is the amount of horn compared to the swoggeling?
The average ratio of horn to swoggle is 4:9, though your results may vary. There was an interesting case once of a man whose horn swoggled so easily that he was named village idiot despite having an IQ of 155. He was brilliant, but he just couldn't quite understand why everyone around him did such mean, selfish things. That, and he loved to roll in dung.
What does a guy have to do to get a sandwich around here?
Beat the Hamburgler over the head with a trunchion, and get his swag.
Specifically, why is Godzilla sexually frustrated?
Because he's too busy giving Godzilla face palms
Why can't Starbucks sell "small," "medium," and "large" drinks?
Because pretentious snobs have high vocabularies.
Exactly which star does Buck live on, anyhoo?
Third star to the right, straight on till morning, next door to Neverland. And believe me, those kids will not keep off his lawn.
How exactly can one fit four and twenty blackbirds into a pie in such a way that they are still able to sing when the pie is opened?
They never mentioned they were Robot Blackbirds, did they? Idiots!
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Watch over him or her so he or she doesn't fall overboard.
Where's the beef?
In the bun, if ya get what I'm sayin'. Ba-da-boom!
And if you do get what I'm saying, please explain it to me.
Do you hear what I hear?
Yes, and the constant bleating is gettin' on my last nerve! Stupid sheep...
When will the last unicorn find a virgin?
It won't, because it fell in love with a passing narwhal and moved into Davy Jones's locker.
Why can't all animals have names that are as fun to say as "narwhal"?
Only humans think Narwhal is fun to say. Animals don't have opposable tongues.
Can a Cannes Can-Can dancer do the Can-Can on her can in Cannes with James Caan?
Indeed she can, even while eating a can of peas under a canopy.
Would you rather eat a vegan hot dog (made of vegetable lips, tongues and anal sphincters) or a tub of popcorn slathered in veal juice?
The popcorn. You don't know where those vegetable sphincters have been!
If Godzilla where a painter, which style would his painting be classified under?
Probably the Jackson Pollock splatter painting school. In human BLOOD!!!
Who said you could have that cookie?
I DID! Don't like it, talk to my ROBOT MONSTER!
When did the cats develop a taste for beer?
Right after they ate the firehouse chili.
What sicko put the creme in the crematorium?
Same guy put the Sanka in the sarcophagus.
When is coffee grounds for divorce?
When she secretly switches your fresh-brewed coffee for Folger's crystals---decaffeinated.
Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Because Stephen Lynch wanted it that way.
Why did the marmoset get his toenails stuck the blender?
Because the lady doing his pedicure was trying to save a few minutes because the marmoset kept hitting on her because he wanted to get marmo-laid.
Has there ever been a stupider joke than the one I just made?
Yes, but it escaped my mind like the wind, and I'm glad I can't remember it, either.
Could I be more confused?
Only if you try to figure out stuff
Who is on First?
No, he is on the injured reserve list. Tonight we have John "Buzzkill" Smith on first, who is quoted as saying, "Now let's see them tell that blasted joke."
"Buzzkill" is a cool nickname. What's yours?
Durfbury. Nothin' personal, it's just business.
Can you BELIEVE the nerve of that guy?
I can't stop believing because I fear the tiny wrath of Steve Perry.
How many licks does it take to get to the Tòotsie Roll center of a solid steel I-beam?
Quote from: Derf on June 22, 2014, 07:25:35 AM
I can't stop believing because I fear the tiny wrath of Steve Perry.
How many licks does it take to get to the Tòotsie Roll center of a solid steel I-beam?
Three. Assuming your tongue secretes acid in place of saliva.
What am I doing with my life?
Obvious answer: Wasting it here. Not so obvious: Using chickens as part of your plan to take over the world.
When King Kong hit the pavement, about how many New Yorkers did he squish?
14 1/2. A former Olympic swimmer who had lost his arms and legs was among the victims. His name was Bob.
What price can you place on Freedom?
It's 50% off this week at crazy Tom Paine's House of Liberty - one coupon per customer, some restrictions apply. Freedom not available in all jurisdictions, check local regulations.
Do you like movies about gladiators?
Only if they star Peter Graves.
How long did it actually take Michael to row the boat ashore?
3 hours, 22 minutes, 14.237 seconds, a Sea of Galilee record that stood for 123 years.
I got a hankerin'. Does anyone have a cure?
I have a Kleenex, will that help?
Just what was Mr. Cleever a Ward of?
Of Burt Ward, TV's Robin. It all started when Ward Cleaver was drunk and had an illicit tryst with Liza Minelli. Or maybe it was a peacock. Nobody remembers. And yes, alcohol was involved.
What animal(s) was(were) involved in YOUR birth?
Godzilla...My folks were married in 54. I was born in 56...coincidence?
The Jabberwock vs. Saquach...who would win?
In a fight, probably the Jabberwock, since Sasquatches are not known for carrying vorpal blades. At hide and seek, the Sasquatch would win hands down.
What would happen if two kissing fish wearing braces decided to make out?
They would have lots of babies?
am I out of shape if a turtle can outrun me?
No, it means you're in shape. Bad shape.
Does godzilla ever have to take a dump?
He did around '98.
Can I have a castle on a cloud?